michael jackson thriller stephanieklein
An Amazing Loss

I was in my kitchen when I heard the news. I’d turned off the TV earlier, and the only music we heard was from the bite-sized voices in the living room: my children. Phil was out, picking up dinner.  My father was chasing his grandchildren. The phone rang. It was Phil, delivering the news. 

There’s no question that Micheal Jackson was talented, an icon, a dynamic performer who changed the scope of music. Despite his controversial life, he’s loved throughout the world, and this is an amazing loss. People remember where they were when JFK died, Princess Diana, and now we’ll remember Michael Jackson in the same way.

He’s flavored all our lives in one way or another. Two days ago, I was at the gym, working out to ABC on myPod. Music colors our lives and enriches our memories. As a tribute, this repost, of how he’s colored mine (aside from the fact that I, at one point, wore a rhinestone-pricked white glove):

“I just pilfered through his computer.”
“Uh oh.”
“I went searching for something I wouldn’t like. I found photos of his past.”
“That’s what we always search for first.”
“Half-naked pictures of women he’s slept with.  Of course it made me feel like shit.”
“At least they’re pictures from his past, not the present.”
“Very true. I can’t imagine. Still, what’s wrong with me that I’d go looking for something that would upset me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you; every woman does that.”  No they don’t.  Do they? 

In 1983, I was in second grade, at Lori Kalka’s house for a sleepover party. I remember staying up later than I ever had before.  We all had brought our own sleeping bags and were folded into her carpeted basement, with bags of chips and cans of cheese between us.  We were staying awake to watch Michael Jackson’s Thriller video on MTV.

Lori’s older sister Robin was there. Robin was adopted, Lori said, but I later learned that really Lori was adopted.  Lori had silky blond hair that looked as if it belonged on a doll.  Kimberly Fillion, another girl in our class, had blond hair too, but that night when we were trying to give one another electric shocks by rubbing our feet, covered in socks, against the carpet, we all swore it looked green under the basement lights. Lori had a projector television; it was the first I’d ever seen like it. I think she also had two poodles, the big kind that needed proper grooming and seemed stuck up.  Kimberly had a Yorkshire terrier named Juju who she cradled like a baby and encouraged up her tee shirt, insisting the dog wanted milk from her “boobies.”  This is what I remember of Michael Jackson’s video. I don’t remember it being scary, only that I wanted it to be. I was terrified that night but not from the video. I was afraid I’d wet the bed, as I was still apt to do, and would continue to do for many years. I don’t know how my parents allowed me to sleep at other kid’s homes. Didn’t they ever fear a phone call in the middle of the night?

I find it fascinating the way we like to scare ourselves.  We sit in the dark and encourage group tales of ghosts and murders and cars with teens parking and men with hook hands scraping at windows.  We sit in dark theaters and watch movies about rings and getting lost in woods.  We set ourselves up, frightened, our hearts racing… why?

“It’s like we want to make ourselves feel.  It’s the drama, the pulling of excitement out of the calm of our lives, like warped magicians, yanking white from the black."
"I was just going to say that."
"On the one hand, we’re completely insecure for looking in the first place.  And if the stuff we find (emails, letters, photos, texts, IMs) bothers us at all, then we’re even more insecure.  Because we shouldn’t care, or we should at least be secure enough to know that it doesn’t mean anything, but how can it not bother us?  When you get to the point where you confidently shrug your shoulders, don’t you worry that you don’t even really love them anymore, or don’t love them like a lover? I want to be the kind of woman who doesn’t give a shit, but for me, that probably means actually not giving a shit.”
"Everyone wants to be like that."

We strap ourselves into rides with metal bars pulled into our laps, and then climb the ticks of a roller coaster, waiting for the plummet.  It’s a build and release the same way a thriller movie is.  But what about when we create these “thrills” in our own lives?  We create drama to feel more alive.  I certainly do.  It has been a while since my alter psycho has been unleashed.  I’m much more secure now (thank God), but not all that long ago, I was a thrill-seeker in the worst way.  Far worse than the moonwalk.

"It’s easy to type it into a neat little paragraph about how strong we are, whipping up perfectly rational statements about ‘in the past.’  Please.  Not every day is fitted in my starched security button-downs.  Sometimes, I get sloppy, and my life becomes untucked.  The next day, it’s better.  Still, I can’t believe he was with some of those women.  They were really beautiful, and it made me feel bad about myself… like, why is he with me? I know deep down it’s because of who I am, that I don’t see me how others do, that I’m unique, and he’s connected to me because of that…  But why does he keep his past?  Why do any of us?  They remind us of where we’ve been, sure, but why do we need the reminder?  We’ve all been with someone hotter.  Everyone has those stories, about the ridiculously hot one we slept with, or dated.  We’ve all had hotter than we’re with.  We don’t choose on looks alone, none of us. But why do we go searching and then let ourselves feel like shit when we stumble upon anything that might be a something?" 

To feel alive.

 A YEAR AGO: Fitting Room Nightmares
3 YEARS AGO: Barely
4 YEARS AGO: No Brainers, Club Wed



  1. Omg!! Haha nah I never have but it’s looked intense (like sleeping bags)

  2. The first time I saw a Michael Jackson music video I was about 5 years old. It was Thriller and I had nightmares! But as I got older my Dad and Mom shared there love of MJ with me and he is one of the first artists I listened to ( on tape of course) and sang along with. He gave all he had to make us happy and he brought so much joy to everyone. I will never forget him and I doubt the world will either. Love you MJ I hope your in peace!

  3. Stephanie, I know you've heard it a hundred times before, but I could have written this myself (except the Yorkshire Terrior was named 'Muffy' and the poodles were Corgis).

    I have a serious love/hate relationship with the way you can so succinctly verbalise things I cannot.

  4. Just read about you in Japan. You blog is great! My english nt good but understand and feel you heart.

  5. I go to UT and seem to be waiting for my own personal "Thriller". Maybe I should just moonwalk my way out of this relationship.

    See you at Bookpeople!

  6. my best advice is best to stay away from digging up stuff that will eventually make you feel like a piece of barbed wire has got caught in your throat…it just hurts and its unnesesary…especially since he chose you over any of those girls.thats what you gotta remember.

  7. damn! you keep inspiring me ms. suitor! i think i know the feeling, sometimes, i get bored if i don't have any kind of drama going on, but then i whip myself for being such a creep, wanting to suffer if everything its allright… i guess this is because nobody seems to be fully happy, and when it is, they look for reasons to not being, ok, some people. maybe is the way we have to prepare ourselves for hard times to come? to check on us and never be too comfortable so we don't risk our actual happiness?. it's just a theory…

    love your blog! i'm looking forward my next trip to the states to buy your book! and by the way you look so sweet pregnant!

  8. Ugh. I am a thrill-seeker as well. Trying to suppress it lately, as this relationship is almost halfway sort of kinda normal and dramaless.

  9. Wow, this has been on my mind a lot lately. Creating my own drama and making myself into my own little Nacy Drew, trying to figure it all out. It freaks me out how accurate you are in describing it. Wonderfully written.

  10. That last paragraph pretty much sums up my life right now and has caused me to pull away from someone. Which sucks, but it's just how I feel. That others were hotter than I will ever be and it feels awful. Obviously it's inevitable and obviously I wouldn't want to be with someone who could get over said lack of hotness, but damn, does it bring me down at times.

  11. Hi Stephanie,
    It's my first time posting here and as a regular reader, I feel I can relate to you on so many levels! (you probably hear this all the time!)
    I do the same thrill seeking thing- always, knowing damn well what I'm in for, yet, ending up doing it anyway…. for the thrill? It always leaves me feeling a little more bummed afterwards, yet it hasn't been enough to make me want to stop all together.
    Or sometimes what I'll do, is look through my past boxes, pictures, cards, etc. from old boyfriends- boyfriends I know I'm better off without, yet I still go through the agony of the thrill seeking process- reading his notes to me, looking at our pictures together, memories we made, etc. What's up with THAT?
    Anyway, I love your blog and think you are an amazing writer. You totally rock.
    Any plans to come to Boston for a book reading/signing/etc. anytime? You look wicked fabulous in your preggers picture! :)

  12. I liked this post because it tapped into something that many of us feel. That said, I think you should focus on what the two of you have together. Obviously you both found something with each other that was missing in your previous relationships.

    I have to share what happened to me when I went searching through my husband's e-mail. I found a series of e-mails between him and another woman, clearly indicating that they were having an affair. After confronting him, I found out that it started as a one night stand a mere 4 MONTHS after we were married (and that was after we had lived together for years and years) and progressed from there (they would get together at conferences 3 or so times a year). As you can imagine, it was completely devastating and to me, and completely unexpected (I NEVER thought he would betray me so). When I tell people that I was completely caught off guard, they don't quite believe me, because, if that was case the case, why was i snooping in the first place? I can't really answer that (maybe it was for reassurance? Maybe it was because I sensed his distance – although i had no idea he was having an affair – and I wanted to see what I could discover?).

    Anyway, the point of this long-winded message is to say that, although you may look on these past women with envy, be mindful that they are in the past, that you can trust Phil, and that the two of you have chosen each other.

    Much happiness.

  13. Stephanie,

    Stop with this snooping crap!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your hormones are making you act crazzzzzy. PLEASE, remember how FABULOUS you ARE and will always be… and have fun tonight at the book signing.

  14. I don't think it's to "feel alive". I think it's insecurity and possibly a bit of self-sabotage, and if that's what it takes to make someone "feel alive", more power to them.

  15. I ALWAYS tell my friends "Never snoop, cuz you will ALWAYS find something". Whether bad or good, you will find something. And yes, it will create drama. And while some of us thrive on drama and as you say, it makes us feel alive, really, we shouldn't snoop. That is something I KNOW in my heart, but it didnt stop me from looking just last week. Thankfully I found something good, rather than bad. But stop snooping! Trust is the most important part of any relationship and we all know what happened to the curious cat!

  16. My husband's ex use to read my blog. Then she started her own blog. Now I fall victim to a little thing I like to call The Click By. Myspace, blogs, Flickr, YouTube… I can't get away from her. It's like an amazing traffic accident of twisted metal and smoking wreckage. I don't wanna look, I don't wanna look, I don't wanna look, I might see a blood or a body. Shit. I looked. At that picture of her. Do you think she's skinnier than me? Her nose looks big in that pic! I am SO much cuter. Wait, she looks pretty good right there. I need professional help, yes. But I already knew that.

  17. It isn't a good idea get a look to our fiancé's secret boxes or drawers. Discovering old pictures, ex girldriend's letters and similar pleasentness are like a bitter blow. Past is past, we must live the present and I think it's better ever find anything of our men's past life.
    I hope to have been clear, my english is not perfect.

    Steph, your belly is wonderful. Any news about twins' gender?

  18. actually, steph, i kind of think right now i'm having my hottest, and he is having his. it's not so bad to end up with that.

  19. From a guy's perspective it really hurt when my wife a few months after we got married was apparently up at 4am dialing phone numbers in my cell phone she didn't recognize while I was sleeping.

    She called my entertainment lawyer (who had given me his home number) in LA at 1am his time and woke up his wife and caused quite a stir. She didn't tell me she did this. I found out the next day when there were voicemails all over my cell phone from people wondering why I called them at 4am and hung up on them.

    When I confronted her about it, she told me she was drunk and she didn't really remember doing it or know why she did it. At that point I reminded her that everything I owned was in our house and she had access to it and she could knock herself out looking for stuff if she wanted to. I even gave her my email passwords and told her to go to town if she was concerned her new husband was up to something. I was a combination of understanding and upset, if that can be combined.

    Of course, I wasn't up to anything and it was completely irrational behavior, but it sucked nonetheless. Did it make me love her less? No. I understood she dated a guy in college who cheated on her during a 4 year relationship and that's the baggage she brought with her.

    A few months later we were finally putting away photo albums we had in boxes and she started showing me one of hers that had pics of her with old boyfriends in it. That upset me and I let her know it.

    I made it a point before we moved in together to get rid of every picture of myself and other girls…I even went so far as getting rid of pics that other women took of me by myself when we were off on vacation and having a wonderful time.

    After seeing my reaction, she felt bad and threw away all those pictures.

    Even men don't want to be reminded of the men you were once with. The last thing I want to do is have a photo album in our house that has pics of other guys my wife has been with. To me, it's a question of respect. I mean, yeah…I know she had a life before me and we've talked about a lot of that life…still, I don't need to have photographic proof of that life in our house.

    I think when people get married or get in long term relationships, they should each go to a bank and rent a safe deposit box. If it's so important to keep photo's and keepsakes from prior relationships it should be locked somewhere safe where you can go see it at any time by yourself protected by armed guard.

  20. the pinkestpaint put it perfectly.

    when I don't need proof from my boyfriend ( ie: checking his phone, his pockets, his steps) then I trust him. this is the hardest part, getting to this place. rediscovering trust when someone has betrayed you. he says it's been 3 years and i need to let it go, but my heart is much slower to heal.

  21. I probably should have categorized this post as "past tense." I am not (NOW) scouring through The Suitor's computer. I thought I made that clear with the line, "I’m much more secure now (thank God), but not all that long ago, I was a thrill-seeker in the worst way." Meaning, not too long ago, I was more insecure than I am now, that's why I was searching. I do wonder, though, why do we do it? I don't think it's because we suspect. I wonder why we're looking for something bad at all… so we can be pissed? Feel even more insecure? Are we trying to save ourselves pain in the future, if we find something now?

    I also wonder… why do we hold on to our pasts, particularly our romantic pasts? Why do we save the old photos at all? Why do I do it? Well, in case I ever need to write a story, book, or character sketch… I can cull old photos which help me remember my place in the world… as much as the person. But why do we want to remember?

  22. I think that people hold on to their romantic pasts for many reasons. Romances don't always end in shambles, and so why not keep some memories. It's like a friendship that fizzled out. There were still good times, so why obliterate it completely? It's just part of life.

  23. I snooped on husband #2 because husband #1 cheated on me. Had I snooped on #1, I would have learned this on my own. I stopped about 4-5 years ago. I never found anything incriminating and it caused quite a few pointless fights. Plus I'm in my forties; I think I finally grew out of it.

  24. Stephanie — I think it was pretty clear this was a past tense entry. At least it was to me.

    There's part of me that thinks if you love someone, you should be secure enough to let them have pictures and keepsakes from other lovers…but that's the rational me that rarely wins out in real life.

    I'm a writer as well and there are often times I wished I kept little things from my past that can help me conjure up some memories…but now I've sort of realized that those "things" are crutches and it's more interesting to use your present imagination's version of the events of the past than actually digging up the artifacts to refresh your memory.

    For instance I just looked at my high school yearbook the other day and I was shocked what the girls I used to pine for looked like. They looked like a bunch of switch blade sisters/Pink Ladies from Grease and I graduated in the early 90's. The size and the anger of the hair back then was frightening.

    I was also shocked how attractive I was back in high school, which was a time I thought I was my ugliest. When I write, I write from the perspective of the guy who couldn't get a date in high school….now looking back at what I really looked like, I realize what a fucktard I was for not asking girls out.

  25. I agree with Stephanie, I recently wondered what the snooping was about and figured there was more to it then looking for trouble. I think for me it was a rush. Seeing something you weren't meant to see. Snooping shouldn't be a hobby though and luckily my BF was as understanding and patient at Giuseppe who posted above. You can't live your life that way. Maybe we hold on because the person made you feel important and special and people sometimes need reminders of that. Or you hold on because that person truly shaped the person you are today. I think that when you give your heart out it inevitably is going to get attached sometimes and you become like a child you has a ratty old toy that is broken and wont give it away even though a bright, shiny and new one that they have wanted for years is waiting for them to let go and embrace it.

  26. Totally off point here, but I just wanted to wish you the best tonight. I know it will be an incredible reading…wish I could abandon the ship here and fly on over, but that's not to be. But I'm definitely sending my most positive vibes your way. Have fun!

  27. i got it mixed up as well, & didn't realise it was past tense, although it surprised me until i did. i think we were just busy racing towards the end to find out what else you had written.

  28. This brings an interesting question to me. I'm currently in my second marriage.

    While I would never flaunt photos from my previous marriage to my current wife, am I supposed to destroy them? Five years of my life were in that marriage…both good and bad. Those years made me the husband, lover, and father that I am today. While I don't want to relive them, it seems a bit odd to me that I'm supposed to pretend that those years didn't exist.

  29. I don't snoop. Partially because I trust him and know nothing is going on, and partially because I will be hurt when I stumble upon his past.
    But I do sometimes ask stupid questions like 'was she better in bed?', 'were your other girlfriends taller than me?'. (Now that I read them here I guess it must annoy the hell out of him :D) But these questions just pop up in my head and haunt me untill I ask him. It's plain insecurity, I ask them because I want to be reassured that he chooses me… I think.

    It does help when I look at it from his side, what if he would ask me the same? I usually realize that the whole thing is completely ridiculous.

  30. "I also wonder… why do we hold on to our pasts, particularly our romantic pasts?"

    Because all humans have some level of insecurity in them, ranging from small to overwhelming. We keep the reminders so that we can reassure ourselves that we were once desirable. The picture of the old flame is not so much about how they look, but the fact that we had what it took to attract someone like that. It's not that complicated.

  31. My first marriage was a disaster. He cheated on me and I caught him. I am now one month away from walking down the isle a second time with a wonderful, caring, and honest man. I trust him completely. I have never snooped on him, but at times, I feel those rumblings of insecurity. The "what if" of everything he is or isn't doing. I am able to identify it as irrational baggage and I am usually able to brush it off. He has done nothing to deserve suspicision and I think it's important to be able to make that distinction.

  32. In response to thepinkestpainter, who said:

    "That last paragraph pretty much sums up my life right now and has caused me to pull away from someone. Which sucks, but it's just how I feel. That others were hotter than I will ever be and it feels awful. Obviously it's inevitable and obviously I wouldn't want to be with someone who could get over said lack of hotness, but damn, does it bring me down at times."

    Ask yourself what it is about these 'others' that you feel you are lacking. Then ask yourself what you are doing to have that quality in your own life. Chances are whatever it is, is already abundant in your own life. Just embrace it, or have the courage to introduce it and you will feel fulfilled. Remember, we are all equal.

    LA from canadialand

  33. Hi Stephanie,

    This my first time posting here. I found your blog through Fish about 3-4 months ago and I have been devouring through your archives. Needless to say, I love your writing – so inspirational and real. Thank you for sharing with us (readers) a bit of your life and soul every day.

    And thank you so much for sharing this post — you don't understand how much I empathized with what you had to say. I have been married for two years now, he's wonderful and we've always had a very healthy and loving relationship. Yet about a year ago I found myself doing the exact same thing you discussed in this post. Why? I have no idea. Everything was fine between us…no problems. But as you pointed out, the damn insecurities took over and I just HAD to look through some of the files in his computer. Did I know that I shouldn't, that I was violating his privacy?? Of course! I'm so not proud of what I did, believe me. But the 15 year old girl in me took over and I found exactly what I was (and wasn't) looking for: records of his past lovers, the half naked pictures of other women, all the details..UGH .At that moment I just wanted to curl up and die. I felt like total crap – not only because of the content, but also because like you I started to compare myself with these women – boob size (damn that bitch with the fake boobs! ;-)), body type, etc. And the pathetic thing is that I totally got myself into that situation.

    Anyway- I wanted to share because its so therapeutic to let this out and to actually hear that I'm not the only one behaving in this ridiculous manner! :) I felt so ashamed of having gone through his stuff (and so hurt from what I found) that I bottled it inside for like 3-4 months without telling anyone until finally one day I couldn't take it any longer and told him all about it. I had been picking little fights with him, getting into such funky moods and he just didn't get what the hell was going on with me. He was (as is to be expected) extremely upset that I would snoop through his things. Yet, he sat there and very tenderly discussed it with me- that it was just the past, nothing more nothing less. He understood how it could be hurtful to stumble across all of this (yes, my own doing, I know!) but pointed out how trivial it all was. Which I obviously knew all along. I knew it was stupid. I knew it didn't matter. It hurt yes, but those files from the past have nothing to with me or with the way him and I feel about each other. But yet insecure, irrational, ridiculous little me wanted to go searching for God knows what and found it. How foolish we can be at times.

    I guess I too wanted to feel alive. Of course I'm finding saner, healthier (less invasive) ways to feel alive now ;o). The snooping around has definitely stopped.

    Again, thanks for sharing this. And sorry for the ridiculously long comment!

    Oh and you look absolutely beautiful! Blessings to you, your husband and your babies. :)

  34. FWIW, and I meant to mention this earlier, once someone gets married, they should release all their former baggage. Not necessarily a wedding picture of your family where your ex happens to be in the picture, but pictures of the two of you, naked pictures, single pictures, they should all be dumped. Okay, maybe the picture of your ex on the dartboard can stay, but the others have to go.

  35. To LA from canadialand

    The comment you attributed to me was actually the post above me, Heather B. But thanks for trying to be positive and help others out.

  36. We’ve all had hotter than we’re with. We don’t choose on looks alone, none of us. But why do we go searching and then let ourselves feel like shit when we stumble upon anything that might be a something?"

    To feel alive.

    I dont think i truly understand what you were getting at at the end of the post. I mean, the whole thing was about 'thriller' and the thrill of the scariness of it all, i get that. That was the theme. But then what is this 'something'– is the something the feeling you got when finding this man's 'past'? Was the locating of his nostalgic items what made you feel "alive?"
    Because in the paragraph/s before that you focused on how he chose you for you and that he was with others, etc… So I am confused I guess with this post and normally i never am.
    Hey when are we getting wedding photos! I think we are all dying!

  37. Go ahead and search. Dig out those pictures of his old girlfriends. Usually, you'll find that you have something "she" don't. And they broke up for a reason. To me, seeing my husband's ex-wife made me feel at ease. It was the mid 1990s when I saw her, in all her glory. A mid 20s woman at the time wearing purple socks, a purple shorts outfit, purple eye shadow, and a purple ribbon for her hair. It was beautiful, this vision of 1980s with feathered big hair to match. But it was 1996! The stories he told me of her being this popular beautiful girl burned in my mind. That's how he remembered her. Flash forward 10 years and I see her working at the local grocery story in the deli department in her purple glory. You know what I felt? I felt hot! I felt beautiful. I felt so worldly that I had evolved from matching crew socks and ribbons to match. I was a woman. I had class. I had style. I knew I was far more hot than her. So seeing his ex was such a ego boost for me. I think it helped. Because left to my own devices, I'd still think she was the beautiful popular girl that I could never be. Go ahead and look…then realize how much hotter you are than her! You're imagination will be far more brutal than reality.

  38. This is a scary topic for some of us guys. Poking around in our past? Asking us to dump everything? Yikes.

    Well … you know us guys are supposed to be pragmatic and recognize the logic of making the "Mrs" feel special and unique by purging everything in our prior life. Well the truth is… "The Mrs." is special and unique. But we have history.

    When I think of history it suggests a useful analogy for this question. Most of us would not prefer to live in the past but we are intrigued with it. We welcome the change and lessons. But we don't want to go back there. Most of us wouldn't want to have to cross the Great Plains in horse drawn covered wagons, live off the land, create fire by rubbing sticks together, or always use outhouses, but we do romanticize about what we learned from it. And how we have grown.

    The other truth….. sometimes those past relationships help us remind ourselves that we are worthy and coveted by others. If we are just insecure enough, that may helpful to us.

    Do I wish I could throw everything away to prevent ever hurting or creating doubts for "The Mrs"? OF COURSE. But will I? Perhaps not. Do I know all the reasons why I won't throw it out? No.

    So from a guy's point of view. We love you, our past is in the past, but please don't poke around.

  39. Giuseppe, now that was informative. I never have dialed the phone numbers in my husband's cell, but probably wouldn't be above it either if I thought he was cheating.

    Never thought of the fact that they might call him back asking, why did you call in the middle of the night.

    Thanks for reminding us that we live in a techno world. Cheating was far more accessable back in the day, huh? Before caller ID and email. It's easier to cheat these days, but easier to get caught too.

  40. I'm sorry, perhaps the 'feel alive' is due to the past that this person had— he 'felt alive' experiencing those people, events, the things before YOU… and it's not you yourself finding these things that pertains to 'alive'.
    I guess there are ways to interpret this, so disregard my previous post!

  41. ugh, and i just went looking for something and did not like what i found. why? why did i do that? to really feel alive? curiosity killed the cat and now i know and have to deal with the 'know.' i guess we'd just rather know.

  42. I'm sorry my computer cut me off. But where I was going with that is, like I said we have been together for a year and a half and we have been fortunate enought to travel for the past 10 months and when we go back to his old condo that we shared a painting is in one bedroom that she painted for Mark and some of her art stuff is there. It sucks because that is just stale energy of her in his condo. I hate it! It make me and him think of her…I don't like it but he's with me andwe love each other and that's all that matters. If e wanted to be with her he would…and he's not!

  43. Isn’t it better that he dated hot women than all “ugly” ones? If they’re hot we sort of doubt us but if they aren’t wouldn’t we just doubt them?

  44. Elvis Presley will be returning now as Michael Jackson takes his place in heaven. RIP Michael

  45. I’ve read this same post a lot of times here, and in your book SUAD. I thought this was going to be about Michael Jackson but you wrote about thrill seeking again – which is cool, it’s your blog, but you’ve already covered this, there isn’t anything new you say about the topic… Yet sticking to the topic, the persons who comment and feel that people should throw out everything about their old relationships: I’d never do that. The guys I was with had a big influence on my life and partially made me who I am today. Pictures of them are pictures of my own past as well, I wouldn’t get rid of that. Maybe even as a reminder that I’m better of today :) I’d never display those pictures around the house though. I once had to ask a guy to remove a picture of his ex-girlfriend from his bedroom wall – she kept staring at me every time we got busy, that was just soooo wrong.

  46. it is so very sad… when i first heard it, i couldn’t believe… i heard you this morning on Bob and Sherri and just had to search you out… and i was every so delighted when i found you had a blog… hope you don’t mind if i hang around a bit….

  47. I was reading along wondering if I’d entered a time warp and that you were pregnant with a new set of twins. Good god. I nearly choked on my coffee bean! Thank you for keeping the dates on the bottom of each post.

    As for me? Drama free…99.5% of the time.

  48. i once asked a boyfriend to tear-up a photo of him and a jr. prom date he had stored in a memories box (along with blue ribbons for art contests and other precious tokens of his life well lived). i feel so terrible that i imposed my insecurities on him and our relationship. how dare i ask him to tear-up his past. i did not own his past and had no right to it. in fact, his past experiences all made him the boy i admired. twisted girl i was. not sure why, but i seem to really have grown-out of that insecure nonsense. who knows, maybe the ugly thrill seeking will rear its head in the future. i hope not, for my own sake and for the sake of those that i am fortunate enough to have love and care for me. there are better, healthier, saner ways of extracting passion and thrill from life. ways that don’t harm you or loved ones.

  49. If someone asked me to get rid of old pictures with exes etc I wouldn’t…. That’s part of who you are. You don’t have to disavow your past just because you’re in your present. In fact you shouldn’t. What’s the point of having varied and diverse experiences if not to collect the memories, good and bad? It’s not even about the “finished product” it makes you as a person. Your memories are your life. It would make me really question being with someone that wanted me to get rid of that.

  50. This is just not a seminal event for me. I will forever remember every detail of 9-11. I will forever remember how I felt when the election was called for Obama. But where I was when I learned of Michael Jackson’s death? Not so much.

  51. Michael Jackson was definitely the most talented sexual predator ever.

  52. Ug, I feel you. Weird thing is, I was never drawn to snoop until my last relationship. It was lacking, and I knew it, and so of course I found all sorts of evidence of such through snooping. Made me feel ill every time I found something, and, as you say, more insecure. Take-home for me is that I will never snoop again. If my relationship is that precarious, my instincts are probably right. I will trust myself next time and address it with him. And as for hot exes…I *really* don’t want to know :) What’s important is that I feel like he finds me attractive now. If not, then that’s the issue, not the exes.

  53. Yeah, I really can’t mourn and care about where I was when I heard the news. I’m pretty convinced that MJ did, indeed, molest children and I cannot forget that. Now that he’s died, everyone can just forget all his misdeeds? Sorry, but in my world, we don’t mourn those people.

    In my mind, his star burned out long ago. Whoever it is that died today isn’t the person that made a few cool records that I listened to when I was younger.

    Not so long ago, the media was saying what a freak he was. Now that he’s dead, you’d think he invented puppies.

  54. Did I miss something because this post made no sense at all! Michael Jackson’s song Thriller influenced your self-sabotage tendencies how? I don’t see the connection other than the name of a song which seems like a really awkward segue given the situation.

  55. Long time lurker, first time commenter:

    Just wanted to share that I heard you on Bob and Sheri yesterday morning, and it was great to hear you share a bit about “Moose.” I’m excited to see the film come out. Hopefully that interview will allow others to follow your writing.

  56. I was in ninth grade and I had taken the neighbor boy across the street to our Catholic all-girl’s school Christmas Formal. The biggest excitement of that night was coming home to watch Thriller.

    I also remember the first time I ever heard about Michael Jackson: My sis and I had a gift certificates to The Record Bar and she chose Off the Wall while I think I got one of those albums that had Knock on Wood and I Will SUrvive on it. My sis showed me the MJ album, and I asked her, “Are you sure you want to get THAT music?” I remember thinking she wouldn’t like the album because he was black. How horrible is that. Then we fell in love with the music.

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