Livin Large
"So, I think maybe we should lay off the white trash activities around here, no? I mean, they’re fully dressed in their clothes out there, and she’s spraying them with water," Phil observes through the window of our home office.
"Well, it’s decidedly less white trash when it’s your nanny who’s doing the hosing," Megan adds with a smile.
"I have never, ever, hosed them down," I say raising my hand. "Nor have I subjected them to the atrocity that is a blowup pool." I can’t help but be marginally disgusted by them. It’s the idea of the undrained plastic pool, with soggy leaves, traces of excrement, and insects swimming their cares away like Fraggles. But kids need to be kids, and these kids don’t give a scorpion about bugs or dirt… as it should be. So do I cave in and just get a blowup pool again? (I hear we had one once). I’ve always preferred taking them "swimming" in the master bathroom tub, but it’s not the same as getting to run and splash about like sprites.
"Well, we have to do something," Phil says, looking to me. "Can’t you look to find them a fancy blowup pool? One with a slide," he asks. They seem not to be very crazy about the sprinklers, which I thought was a nice compromise. I tried spitting on them, but it backfired, and now it’s how they’ve learned to express love: through air hankying.
It’s settled. No more white trash water sports are going down at this house. Nope, ta’ ta’ golden showers. You sweet precious ones are going to bathe in the tub, not a bucket. And there will be no more spray downs with the hose out back.
I am actually glad we resisted building an in-ground pool straight away; I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night given the latest statistics. I know we have access to a pool at the club, but when it’s hot as all balls here, what is one to do with two hot potatoes?
"Federal statistics show that children under one year most often drown in bathtubs, buckets, or toilets, while children from one to four years old drown most often in residential swimming pools. Most young children who drowned in pools were last seen in the home, had been out of sight less than five minutes, and were in the care of one or both parents at the time." —KXAN
"The answer is not a fancy blowup pool, Phil. It’s more swim lessons… and more Xanex for mama."
A YEAR AGO: If Only
2 YEARS AGO: Cows, Pigs, Chicken, and Things
4 YEARS AGO: Need
5 YEARS AGO: Burn Baby Burn
