I’ve seen pictures of them together, where half of the “them” changes as I sift through the box. The she’s change. His past is there. Old girlfriends, caught in a kiss. It makes me feel anxious and empty, like I’m a name on a list, worried I’ll be in the box one day, a saved past he’ll hide beneath a bed. No one extraordinary.
I have a box like his, filled with letters and photographs, napkins with ideas and I remembers. It only has something to do with him in as far as where I’ve needed to be to get to him. But how many times, maybe, did I feel that way too, about the he’s in my box? Thought I’d been with everyone before him to make me ready for us? I have. Even the extraordinary ones are in my past for a reason.
I still can’t help but feel temporary. My intellect knows this isn’t true. But it feels true. I worry I can’t love him the way someone else would. I love him so much; I want to give him the best, but what if it’s not me who can do that? What if I’m not the one who can make that happen for him? I feel like leaving with all my things because I can’t give him the best life imaginable. I worry my love isn’t good enough, that I’m too self-absorbed, too self. Why? Why don’t I know my own worth? Why am I sitting here crying on his sofa? I know how much he loves me… but then I see photos, business cards of other women, and I somehow worry that I’m doing him a disservice. That I’m keeping him from joy instead of believing that I could actually be his joy. What’s wrong with me?
I’m sad. Why? Because I don’t feel good enough for him. Why? Cause I don’t know how to show him how much I love him. Why? Because I’m stressed over work and maybe there’s someone else who won’t want to run away. I don’t want to run away to punish him. I want to do it to punish myself because I don’t feel like I deserve him. I’ve suffered for so long, and now I have someone I love, and I’m scared because I don’t want to ruin things. I don’t want to be without him, and I don’t know how to give anymore. It used to be all I did, and for so long I’ve made it about me, that maybe now I won’t be as good as others would be to him. And I want him to have the best. I don’t know how to give him what he deserves. I hate when I say something wrong and it upsets him. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. Eggshells. I hate, most of all, that I don’t know my worth, that I actually believe his love is worth more. Why do I feel so joy luck today?