This is a list I never thought I’d be making. I’m bringing it with me now to an acupuncturist in Boca Raton. Because I tend to minimize symptoms or just plain forget them when I’m face to face with someone who’s asking me to tell him about it, I figured I’d show up fully listed.

I also figured no one in his or her right mind would ever want to see this list. Including me. Which is why I’m not posting it here. You can breathe now.

I’ve been Gluten-Free the past 16 days and it hasn’t made one bit of difference. And that’s 100% gluten-free, despite my daft waiter. I asked specifically for the Gluten-free menu, and he said they ran out of copies. I asked about a particular grilled chicken dish, specifically asking, “They don’t flour the chicken first?” Absolutely not, he assured me. I was talking with my mom when our food arrived. I wasn’t even aware that I was really eating. Until, half way through a cutlet I realized it was coated in flour. USUALLY, I’d shrug. I’d roll my eyes. I’d send it back, but I wouldn’t make a fuss. Everyone makes mistakes.

But this time, with my (this is on the list) very short fuse these days, I was enraged. The waiter even asked me if I had an allergy, and I’d said yes (because this is what all people say when they REALLY don’t want something on their plate). I pointed it out to the waiter, who offered no apology. Said, “the kitchen must have changed the recipe.” Shouldn’t you make it a priority when putting in an order to BOLDLY state an allergy? To double check when the food comes out? Outraged.

“I’m shocked that you didn’t make a scene,” my mother said after witnessing my exchange with the manager. I can get my point across without making a scene. I told the manager that he might want to have the staff go through some more thorough training. That miscommunications may happen, but they shouldn’t happen when someone’s health is a concern. He didn’t charge us for my entree. But he charged us for everything else. No, wine on us. I wanted to spill wine on them. I then had to drive to WholeFoods to buy “GlutenEase,” to counter the flour unfolding. All that, and I have to say, I really don’t think I have a gluten or wheat sensitivity. I never thought I did, but it’s been 2 weeks, and I feel nada.

Even took Activated Charcoal thinking that might help take care of any toxins, etc. No difference. I have a broken cooch. I also now have a pooch. I’m not speaking of a dog. Now, I’ll go let someone study my tongue, grab my wrist for good measure, followed by a pricking. Sadly, not that way, either.