“So whadya get her for Valentine’s Day?”
“A card.”
“A card, like, the first of many things, right?”
“I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.”
“You do know it’s not like the tooth fairy, right?  I mean, there’s nothing to not believe in.”
“The commercialism in it.”
“Dude, you’re cheap.”
“Money can’t buy love.”
“Oh, but it can.  Pretty sure diamonds would have worked.  Okay, conflict-free diamonds, Leonardo.  Or pearl earrings, big ones.  Trés chic. A bracelet could work, too.”
“I’m not going to let society dictate how to–”
“Oh please.  Valentine’s Day is for the girl.  It’s not my rule.  She wants something in a box, even if it’s chocolate.  And she wants flowers, despite how dumb you think they are.”
“But they wilt, and she’s on a diet.”
“Hey, Mr. Considerate Solution Man, it’s not your job to fix things today.  It’s your time to court her and let her know how much you love her, with a box, with overpriced flowers she can stare at all week and smile, knowing her man hasn’t stopped thinking of her the way he did at the very beginning… in stupid silly awe.  Because we all want that.”
“Then she’ll let me get to third base, right?”
“…”
“Right?”
“Ew.”

Valentine’s posts of the past:
2004 valentine envy
2005 a game of losses
2006 injaculation and alone feels more than together
2007 state of your union