alone feels more than together

First night back in New York, and I mean back, fully back.  I’m out with the girls, drunk on Shiraz, with who cares where he is, ‘cause I know he’d never cheat.”  Okay, so that is where we are.  And it’s full-on back New York.  I know what I’m in for.  I could be in bed, tucked in, without the slightest scent of food or alcohol.  Sleep breath and love.  No.  It’s Shiraz.  And he doesn’t care because he’s been out with his friends, and none of it really matters.  Everything seems temporary; it has to.  It has to because if you look, if you really look at the past ten years of your life you, he, realizes in those years he was married to someone he now says, without pause, “is crazy.  She really is just nuts.”  And nuts and crazy alienates her from me, putting me on his side, fighting for him, but if I knew her, I bet I’d take her side in all of it, his ex, who was with him since they were in high school.  “A bad marriage,” “not meant to be,” I hear, but I also wonder if it’ll be said to his next, after me.  They’re always nice words, bundled properly, behind bows and excuses and “young.”  Young is an excuse I’ve never really bought.  Even in the selling of my own story, I’ve never once chanted, “too young.”  Because really, at the end of the day, it’s two people, and how much are they willing.  To bend, to bleed, to bow.  How much are they willing to wave goodbye in favor of a very small but lasting “I see you.”  It’s not a question.  It’s not an answer.  It’s what I live.  Now.  And it sometimes feels much more alone than alone feels.

And he’ll come home drunk and loud, banging things, throwing shoes into closets.  Declaring, "i love you so much," but it’s sloppy and been said before under better conditions, and yes, there is a better.  There is a right.  There’s a moment that matters more.  When it’s said in daylight, looking into eyes, or rubbing her forearm and falling in love with a freckle, when you realize it does, your life, it really does matter more because she/he they are in it.  There does come that time, and we, as women, as me, want you to remind me that you know that time exists.  I want to know you KNOW how much it means.  But I never really do know, because before you cum, I have to ignore anything that comes out.  And any other time, I don’t know when to believe.  Except for now, now I would listen, but now doesn’t work for you because now is your now, and you have the right to have it.  So here we are, not closer, not farther apart, just here, breathing, wondering, really wondering if our fate is sealed.  I certainly don’t know for sure.  Everything is up in the air.  It’s the one thing you don’t want to know, and it’s the one thing I know more than anything.  Because when you’re away, you’re not with me.  And that’s not how it should be.  And forgive me for this, but FUCK EVERYONE who bothers to give advise on this one.  Point that shit inwards for once.  Merci.  And now, I’m off to read, alone, in bed, wondering about the rest of my life. 



  1. i'm married and in my 40's and don't mind if my wife has "admirers". it keeps her feeling desirable.

    after the ump-teenth time, most guys are thinking of someone else when they're doing it anyhow.

  2. You're kind of sad. And I think you know that, which makes it sadder. Maybe you need to stop this whole blogging thing, because really, it's just sad what you're doing….

  3. i'm so sick of people telling you not to write about your feelings…it's those times that you write about your feelings that i relate the most. this post is one of those. sigh.

  4. just had a mini-vaca (torture!) from access to reading the blog, and am so happy to be back to it. What a way to end my recapping- with this fantastic, stay-with-me-long entry. Love love it.
    I will think of this one forever.

    ~~Best wishes to you both in Austin, or wherever the future takes you. But you know the way I think….

  5. I may get beaten down for saying this- but i've read to many upset posts from you to care- please please please break up with the suitor. He patronises you, makes you feel small and insecure and unhappy- he tells you its you that is the problem- and you seem to believe him. Yes love isn't easy but at this stage in the game- its not supposed to be this hard.

    You will find someone that loves you completely as you are- that will compliment your personality and ease your insecurities- but you wont find the right one while you're with the wrong one…

    Concerned friend- Sandrine.

  6. Dingler. Most of us admire and thoroughly enjoy the blogs and entire website. Maybe you are just a tad envious that this lady has genuine talent and can open her heart.

  7. a bit confused, maybe its cause im tired, but somehow, in my confusion, i like the way this is said and it doesn't seem too sad, just thoughtful

  8. "They’re always nice words, bundled properly, behind bows and excuses and “young.”"

    I love the way you can turn a phrase.

    "Young is an excuse I’ve never really bought."


  9. "They’re always nice words, bundled properly, behind bows and excuses and “young.” Young is an excuse I’ve never really bought. Even in the selling of my own story, I’ve never once chanted, “too young.” Because really, at the end of the day, it’s two people, and how much are they willing. To bend, to bleed, to bow. How much are they willing to wave goodbye in favor of a very small but lasting “I see you.”"

    I know everyone tells you how much your words apply to their lives, but this for me was my (very early) engagement right before I went into college (small town in New England, wasn't too uncommon). Four-year high school boyfriend, the ring didn't last past my freshman orientation. And everyone told us it was too early, we were too young, he was just graduating college, I was just going into it, blah blah blah (years later we made peace with each other and he's now getting married for real this time)…. But that part about to bend, to bleed, to bow….Jesus. You really hit it there. Thanks for this.

  10. Forgive me Stephanie but how do you go from blissfully declaring love to starting a family with this man to house-hunting to hinting now at a break-up? Perhaps you are moving way too fast in life. Sorry but as someone who reads your blog daily it seems you are very impulsive. Take a breath, slow down…you don't need the complete fairytale all at once.

    Good luck!

  11. Stephanie, I've got to tell you, my husband and I have only been married for four months. But I've *never* asked about an ex of his – it's insignficant. He's mentioned things in passing, but it's irrelevant to my life. In all the years we've been together, we've never had a huge, blow out fight. We talk if there's ever an issue – that's all there is to it. We're thinking about having a baby soon, and I'm secure in the fact that he'll be there through it all. I wonder if you can say the same.

    I wonder, too, why you waste so much time and energy obsessing about things you can't control. And that's just it: you can't control who he fucked, what he thinks, who he admires.

    One of the hardest lessons for me to learn in life was this: you can't control what others do, you can only control how you react to it.

    Think about it. Feel free to tell advice givers to fuck off, but your pain, your insecurities, and your instability is growing alarming.

  12. I love your blog but in my company it's categorized as "sex" so I can't read it.
    I subscribed via google reader but it just shows a little excerpt. Is there something you could modify so i could read the whole post in a RSS Reader?
    Just a small request. It's kind of torture to read 5 lines of a really good post and then not being able to read the rest of it..

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