I crawled into bed last night, my red notebook and red pen easily accessible on my bedside table, and fell asleep to the most appropriate bedtime story. I’ve decided to keep a dream journal.  I’m convinced I’ll get premonitions about my future.  I know that sounds very tidal chart moon sign of me, but I believe the power of the mind is our greatest strength.  Look how fcuked up we (read: I) make ourselves by over-analyzing everything anyway.  We use our minds to escape pain, to create drama, and to lose weight.  I’m using my powers for good this time.  Just call me Glinda (I’m so desparate to see Wicked).

I’ve been a wandering stranger looking for a soft place to fall for a long time.  I’d complain about it. A. Lot. Spewed letters and hiccuped words all over this monitor… "I haven’t been able to commit to a relationship. I am too intrigued by others stories, the way they handle stress. I love the intimacy and learning that comes with them, but I want a lot of those, so I can learn more about people, and about myself. Or maybe I just haven’t met the right guy. Realistically though, I think I sabotage any chance of a relationship right now because I have an idea that I’m really not ready for one yet. I think I will be come September. In the fall, I’ll be in love, and it will be right. I’ve convinced myself of something based on nothing."  I posted that once upon a short slice of time ago. 

I think our dreams hint at our core desires.  It’s not about predicting the future as much as it’s seeing what your real hopes are.  Self-fulfilling prophecies are hopefully going to find their way onto the pages of my red notebook.

I saw a man in a thick green sweater near our front door.  I knew it was ours.  We had an SUV in the driveway.  I was coming into the house, my hair in a long braid down my back. I had to kick mud off my feet at the door.   An enormous tree stood like a force in our front yard.  I loved our front door.  It was everything I wanted, right there, in a heavy stately door.  I love the voices and sounds of homes.  If dreams could smell, this one smelled of fall leaves and firewood.  We had children.  One was still in a car seat, the other grabbed the man’s hand and pulled him toward a red tricycle.  I loved that dream.  I awoke feeling yummy.  I braided my hair… and then I remembered, in my dream, my mother told me my haircut was too drastic.  She said she didn’t like it because it looked like I had two haircuts, like a mullet.  (When my hair gets too long, she says I look like a country western singer… and when I get layers, she complains they’re not gradual enough). 

Freud said artists and cooks have an innate desire to play with their feces.  They learn appropriate as they grow up. I love learning more than French fries.  I adore learning about people, hearing their stories, following their gestures, and lingering on their observations.  And when I got into mini-relationships, even, that process was stymied.  I didn’t realize I could get that need of the "new" met without involving another man.  It’s called friendships.  It’s called volunteering.  It’s called reading.  I felt more myself when I wasn’t in a relationship because I was able to "learn" and love "new" without feeling guilty.  I’ve learned how to do appropriate.  I now know how to sublimate.



  1. Be careful – when Britney saw Wicked it inspired her to write the infamous 'letter of truth'. :)

  2. Such a beautiful woman. Don't rush things, but don't allow them not to happen. Keep up with writing down your dreams. You will be amazed with the patterns and secrets you will find within them.

  3. …and don't pay attention to ol' Sigmund. We loathe playing with our feces. But we love writing our names in snow with our urine.


  4. I do better in relationships when I've had time to date myself for a while in between. Keep a happy song in your head and remember that this all might just be a dream.

  5. I think Michael Stipe put it best:

    I'm looking for an interruption,
    do you believe?
    You looking, did my dreams
    Be prepared for anything
    You come into my little scene
    Hooray hooray hip hip hooray
    There's one thing I can guarantee:
    You won't have to dig, dig too deep
    Said leave me to lay, but touch me deep,
    I don't sleep, I dream
    I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need
    Are you looking to drive my dreams?
    You here to run my screens?
    You come, deliver my demons
    Hooray hooray hip hip hooray
    Are you coming to ease my headache?
    Do you give good head?
    Am I good in bed?
    I don't know, I guess so
    I don't sleep, I dream
    I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need
    I'm looking for an interruption,
    can you believe?
    Some medicine for my headache
    Hooray hooray hip hip hooray
    I'm pitching for a new direction
    Pinch me when I wake
    Don't tell me my dreams are fake
    you leave me to lay, you touch me deep,
    I don't sleep, I dream
    I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need
    Leave me to lay, but touch me deep,
    I don't sleep, I dream
    I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

  6. I sincerely hope that dreams do not hint at our core desires. I sometimes dream that I'm falling off a skinny bridge into the ocean. I do have a fear of heights, but I'm not ready to go just yet.

    Don't take too much stock into what Mr. Freud says, and this is not a knock on his profession or his expertise, but sometimes when I read some of the things he wrote, I think he must have sniffed a few magic markers (or the equivalent in his day) a bit too long. I never had the desire, innate or otherwise to play with my feces. I love creating and designing but I hate getting my hands dirty.

    Keep focused on improving Stephanie, the rest will fall into place. You can't make it happen, but fate will.

    Sweet dreams…

  7. kinda' silly question Steph,
    how's about "Do you eat cabbage " as a rejoinder.
    Dont lose your humanity and wisdom in the interests of being a "Slic Chic"
    We love you just the way you are!!!!!

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