confession

In ALL, INTROSPECTION by Stephanie Klein13 Comments

Today I stole a cab from old people. I ran and beat them to the cab, in the rain. “Sorry, I’ve been waiting a long time.” I said as I slid into the back seat of the cab.

“Well so have we.” The old woman with the plastic bag on her head yelled back as she hit her umbrella on the trunk of the taxi. “So have we,” she repeated for impact.

I’m a terrible person sometimes. Mostly, I’m just lazy, but still. Not nice.

I don’t walk Linus enough. He hasn’t left the apartment in 2 days. I’m a terrible mommy to him. I come home and give him a treat to divert him, so he won’t paw at my head and lick up my nose and bring me dirty socks and underwear from the basket. My little bean needs outside time to run and stretch. Instead, I feed him. I’m absurdly lazy.

I shadenfruede too much.

I have a closet full of nothing to wear, and most importantly, nothing that fits. Let’s face it; outfits begin with Weather on the Ones. Outfits can depend on hair. If I’m going straight, I’ll wear something else, and if my hair is going up, then I can wear the earrings I love without worrying about the tangle. I have events approaching, and I’m clueless about the weather. Some men like me more dirty and unmade, like a worn, battered college teeshirt with faded lettering. Personally, I dig the wife-beater with diamond studs and a fabulous necklace, low-slung jeans, tweed pointy shoes, and a smile. Okay, throw in something vintage and we’re talking. Other men like me hanging out of small, packed tight. I do both willingly, but lately, the only running I’ve been doing is away from the scale. I’m getting fat. I feel it. I mean, I’m not crazy or anything; it’s not like I’m going to restrict myself to salad. Certain things just look better when you’re not spilling over. The only bad in losing weight is losing cleavage, but I prefer skinny jeans to fuller cups. Dieting makes me cranky; it makes me feel alone. And alone seems a little heavier than any weight I’d actually lose. And for the love of god, don’t analyze me. Don’t hem and haw me with the alone talk, or the you don’t need to lose weight. Just shut your hole, dear god. Spare us all.

Sometimes, even though I’m alone, I wear lingerie to bed. I’ve stopped taking the pill because I’ve stopped having sex (with other people). When I drink, I get feisty and pick fights, but when I’m drunk alone, I usually just frown and worry that I’ll have to settle. I worry that he doesn’t think about me. I resurrect exes and turn them into something they never were, idealizing us and holding new up to an old that never was. I eat more fries than I should and worry that I’ll never be that good at anything. I know I’ve got a lot of talents, but I’m not ridiculously good at any of them. There’s always someone else who does it better. I know I can only do my best, and I believe I do, but I don’t like that I never think it’s good enough. I need a bikini wax like you read about.

Yes, I’m alone, wearing lingerie, drinking bad white, worrying that I’ll never find my best… the one thing in the world that I can do better than everyone else. Right now, I’ve found my better than mosts. I want a best.

Comments

  1. this hits home more than anything I've read in ages. I really think we all have our bests out there – it just takes some time (and, call me crazy, fate) for these things to sort themselves out.

  2. "I know I can only do my best, and I believe I do, but I don’t like that I never think it’s good enough."

    My god- sometimes I feel like you're reading my mind :) I know exactly what you speak of- and despite our best of intentions to remind ourselves of our greatness (hanging inspiring, empowering quotes on our mirror, etc.), sometimes nothing does the trick and we end up listening to our internal naysayer despite our best interests.

    Heck, these are the moments that end up challenging us to prove ourselves wrong, so in a warped way, times like these are actually good for ourselves! Or something like that…

  3. Really, what I want to say is bullshit. You are very talented and to think that you are not ridiculously good at any of them is completely wrong. You need to take a full inventory of all of your talents. You need to compare yourself to your colleagues at work and competitors in your industry. You also need to just look at the fact that your pictures are on every wall in the Hotel Ganesvoort. To think you are not good enough at that is way off base. How many people have their pictures out there for the world to see? And as far as feeling that your best is not good enough, high achievers always feel that way. It is our nature, which is why we continue to perform at a high level. We have to be the best and want to stay the best. However, sometimes things just don't go our way for reasons that are out of our control and we begin to doubt ourselves.

    You are just in a rut and feeling bad for yourself. You are lonely and this is spilling over into the rest of your life, which is making you doubt yourself.

    As far as the way you dress, guys sometimes prefer when you wear a certain type of outfit because of the way you look in it. However, you should wear whatever makes you feel good. Being out with a woman who is smiling and feels good about herself is definitely better than being out with one who doesn't feel comfortable.

  4. Bad girl for stealing cabs! Bad girl for not walking your dog! Good, perfect, lovely, precious, adorable girl for being you, my friend. I love you!

  5. Strong piece today. And equally strong comments posted. But wait a second…

    You stole a cab from OLD PEOPLE???? What's next?? Knocking over a Girl Scout and swiping her Thin Mints??

    Oddly, your line during the "cab heist" could also have been the title of the post: "I've been waiting a long time." I don't think you'll be waiting for too much longer, SK. The weather will clear by tomorrow for a great weekend here in the Northeast. Doppler radar predicts the same for your energy and spirit.

  6. "wo is me"…..this piece was honest, humorous and perhaps filled with the same lingering doubt that all successful people have from time to time. Life at times seems like one big act with someone about to rip off the mask and expose us for the talentless freaks that we are. Here's a little secret, nobody is really as talented as the hype but nor are you the sum of your insecurities. Smart, intense people tend to be introspective and question their direction and purpose from time to time. You are never as good as your best day and are far better than your worst. Ask Alex Rodriguez how he feels in New York this year or how Derek Jeter felt in May. The way I see it….you were one of the Top 2 (along with Angie Everheart) redheads at Patrick McMullan's Book Release at Saks. And as far as I know…she does not write as well as you do. C'est la vie.

  7. I love the image of you driving off in a stolen cab, old folks banging umbrellas on the roof. Priceless. Did you look guilty, or pretend to ignore them?

    Somewhere, do you think there's an old woman writing "this young hussy stole my cab today?" in her blog?

  8. Thought I was so original in wanting to post to say you'd really hit a nerve with your "confession", but I guess all the other girls feel the same way.
    That 'never good enough' thing…nags at me all the time too. I guess it's good that we've got high expectations for ourselves and impossible dreams,
    but hell..we do end up beating ourselves up for it something awful.

    You said you 'schadenfruede' too much.
    Does that mean you are in the frequent habit of stealing cabs and depriving puppies of fresh air just for the fun of it?

  9. I "dig the wife-beater with diamond studs and a fabulous necklace, low-slung jeans, tweed pointy shoes, and a smile" also.

    Better than most at many is probably better than better than all at one. I wouldn't know for sure though. Writing, drawing, designing, photographing, laughing, fucking (from what I hear) – that's a pretty impressive list.

    Next time stand in the rain longer and let the old people ride. It'll go better with the bad white and the lingerie.

    12:57am and the volume on the nokia is still all the way up.

  10. While true that Stephanie misspelled "schadenfreude," Your Dad's 'correction' is incorrect, insofar as Stephanie is writing in English rather than German.

    As for the despondent tone of the post, rain (or more specifically, lack of sunlight), poor diet, lack of exercise (poor dog!), and last but certainly not least, lack of sex are all well known triggers of depression. These deficiencies are all easier to address than lack of talent (I grudgingly agree with Steph's flattering fans that this is certainly not a problem for her) or lack of focus (my greatest weakness).

  11. Right, so…I've been reading Steph's blog for a while now.
    Is it me? I just don't find it compelling at all.
    Is it me?
    Of course it is.
    It always is.

    Ah well…what can I say? Perhaps I need to live in NY?
    I don't know…I might turn into…all this.
    You know; THIS, THIS, THIS.
    Shite!

    I cannot find anything "cool" or "hip" about it.

  12. Ok ok…I did find it brilliant that she stole a cab from the elderly.

    "We've been waiting a long time too," I can hear the woman yell.

    Oh yea, huh? I bet you have, ye octogenarian piece of tripe!!

    Good job.

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