“Say Hello to the Culotte.” It was a subject line that bubbled to the top of my inbox this morning. Saks Fifth Avenue wanted me to “Shop Pants,” in particular the Culotte. “Spring’s superstar cut mixes menswear ease with a feminine sensibility.” Why yes, menswear ease (a boxy gray sweatshirt) can be mixed with feminine sensibility, that is, if white lace culotte pants priced at $1095.00 are sensible given your budget. I’m not knocking it, certainly. I’m sure my cellulite would make quick friends with lace, an instant antique camouflage for sure. Though let’s face it, wide legged cropped pants, no matter what you call them, are doing nothing for elongating the figure. You may be on trend, but you look like a dead end.

Yesterday I went to the mall (perhaps my first mistake), and it was abominable. I’m about to add a new complaint. I used to only carp about the lighting in those dressing rooms making you look like a Star Wars creature, with that third plank of mirror meant to tilt and offer a friendly rear view. Oh, the horror. But now, it seems, just in the nick of time, they also manage to make you look partly bald, which is kind when you think about it. A free service, no purchase necessary.

I abused the fitting rooms of Bloomingdale’s, J.Crew, Banana Republic, and Zara, then I stepped inside Nordstrom and walked out because why?! Enough. This was going nowhere. I actually pulled out some earbuds and started to play ABBA, hoping for an improved mood. I was desperate. I’d go anywhere. Soon, I found myself on the phone with my mother–who was advising me to look for a turquoise top, and a neutral shoe that had a turquoise buckle like the one she just bought at Marshall’s in Florida. And this helps me how?–as I walked through The Charter Club of Macy’s. What am I doing here?! Listen, I have no ego when it comes to fashion. That is, I will gladly shop at Forever 21, The Limited, Bergdorf’s, or Bebe (Okay, I haven’t shopped here since college, but there was a woman in Boca who always looked great whenever we got together at night, and her tops were always from Bebe, and I was always shocked). My self-esteem is intact enough to not care what label or what store makes my clothes. I just want them to fit nicely, to be tailored, to feel comfortable, to feel beautiful in the colors and fabrics, from wherever it is they are discovered. I was hoping to purchase something uplifting for spring. Tonight Alexandra is coming to town, and 12 of us ladies (including Dulce and Smelly) are heading out to an early dinner at La Esquina. So, I wanted to wear something fun. Women dress for women, and some very heavy things have been happening lately, and I was hoping to just uplift the whole mood, elevate where I can, even if it is just a very small superficial change of shopping therapy.

Tomorrow Phil and I are headed to Caesars Atlantic City with another couple for a sexy fun weekend away to gamble and sex it up (decidedly, not with the other couple), celebrating Phil’s birthday. It is our friend’s birthday, too, so it was the perfect quick escape for the four of us, an adults weekend away, filled with gambling, eating, drinking, lots of storytelling, and most likely karaoke. So, I was hoping to find an outfit that could pull double duty, something I could wear tonight with the girls and then basically wear again tomorrow night. Another benefit of an intact self-esteem, you don’t care so much how gross that might seem. Any suggestions? I don’t want to wear black.