Valentine’s Day hell has been thrown into the semi-weekly snow days off from school for good measure. We’re sent home a list with all the names of the students in each class, and a look of dread washes over my face. Make a valentine for each student. Sounds like a nice gesture to some. Know what it sounds like to me? WORK. Torture akin to writing Thank You notes. Hovering over Lucas, seeing that he spells each name correctly and legibly, managing scraps of paper on the floors, markers rolling off tables, glitter in cracks. I used to delight in such projects, and now I’m nearly ready to buy a boxed set of cards, advising only that my pea pods sign their own names to the bottom of each.
Perhaps this is to do with my hormone imbalance. Or maybe I’m tired of doing things just so. I turned to Phil last night and said, “I can’t take it. You have to deal. I’m not putting them to bed, not packing their backpacks, not cleaning that Valentine mess all over the dining room table (pompoms, paper scraps, glue sticks rolled in carpet fibers without caps, scissors and two types of tape, birthday presents to be wrapped). It was all too much. I’d had it. Only in the past, this never would’ve set me off. I would’ve delighted in the whole ordeal, tying on an apron and a camera, wanting to mark the making of a memory.
I went to the gynecologist yesterday, telling her that I’ve noticed that without testosterone, I have no drive, sexual or otherwise. That I’m content in bed without moving. That’s not normal! She was reluctant to draw blood and look at my levels since she’d just prescribed a new testosterone gel for me to try. But, I insisted because really, what the hell is going on? How am I to know what my levels are based on a topical gel? There’s no pill to take, so it’s the same exact dose each day–nothing like that. No, it’s a gel pain in the ass, and each time I apply it, every single day, I then scrub my hands twice, fearing it will transfer to the kids. I’m always very careful about this.
May 29, 2013
Testosterone, Serum: 11 ng/dL (8-48 is standard)
Free Testosterone (Direct): <0.2 pg/mL (0.0-2.2)
She told me 11 was very low for a woman of my age, and it might explain hair loss, low libido, and lack of drive. So onto Androgel I went. She took blood again after a while and the level moved up from 11 to 15, still very low, she said. “Use more.” So, I’ve been using more, hopeful that I’d feel a difference.
February 05, 2014
Testosterone, Serum: 172 ng/dL (8-48) Above Normal High
Free Testosterone (Direct): 1.6 pg/mL (0.0-2.2)
My doctor’s tone when she called today was panicked. She told me to dial it back, go back to using just one drop, and of course I agreed. I think I’m most bothered with this latest result because I feel no difference. When my testosterone was low, my estrogen and other hormones were also out of whack, and in general I felt very short-tempered and easily irritable. I feel the same way now, without any marked sexual desire or muscle tone. And I despise that I have no real measured way of knowing what my levels are, that there’s no measured dose, like in a pill, where you just know where you are.
In the end, Abigail has decided to glue hearts to lace paper doilies, handwriting a note to each classmate, while Lucas chose to give Cheddar Goldfish to his schoolmates, with a note (created by mama, who also had to buy goldfish and labels and bags and then design the thing, distribute the fish, cross off each child’s name, oversee the writing on each, etc.!) saying how thankful he is to be in the same “school.” Pinterest is not my friend.
