of what wishes and dreams are made

Unless you’re being paid to do so, it’s never interesting hearing about someone else’s dream; unless, there’s a decent likelihood that you may have made an appearance. “Your dream?” Fine, fine, so long as it’s about me. Self-centered, why yes.

I’ve avoided sleeping lately because my FUNNEL CAKE past keeps creeping into the sleeping cracks, awakening me with a slight panic, what if I chose wrong, what if these dreams are my destiny, trying to steer me back on the path I’m meant to be living? Why does our past, even a casual past that could have but never did become anything more than that– a linked past, in the past. And I still awake, dreaming of him. Worst of all, it feels so real, like I should pounce and pack bags and change my life on whim, something I’d never do.

This is why I need to keep a dream journal, bedside, where I may later comment on how I believe the dream integrates with the life I’m living. What insights I might see. Of what am I failing to let go, and how can I force myself to let go of something I have in fact already let go? Why do our pasts sneak up and invade the unmessy, straightforward, lives we’re striving to live? Funnel cake tempting us from our Celery Stalk lives.



      1. I’m so sorry.. HUGE oversight.. I completely missed the word casual while reading this line “Why does our past, even a casual past that could have but never did become anything more than that– a linked past, in the past.”

        1. Author

          No worries. I completely missed… finishing a complete sentence. Why does our past… then nothing. Why does our past–even a casual past that could have, but never did, become anything more than that– a linked past, in the past–keep showing up in present tense?

  1. mercury is in retrograde, for one. which basically foretells times of tracing emotional memories to the roots and picking up lost threads of meaning. the emotional dimension is recovered, with the wisdom that goes with it. a lost idea or person can return, especially someone has a mysterious pull on the soul or psyche.

    I needed to be reminded to think more deeply about how our past intertwines and influences our present, our future. it certainly is with mine these days.

  2. Usually these dreams are NOT about the specific person, but about a part of yourself you’ve let go or want to develop. I kept having dreams where I was attracted to different men, or somehow sought to get closer to them. Turns out one thing all the men had in common was that they were confident and secure in their own skin. It wasn’t that I wanted to cheat on my husband, but that I was working on being ok with a significant professional step that required a lot more visibility and ownership of what I was arguing for. It might help if you think about what these men symbolize, their qualities, etc.

    1. Author

      This is an interesting thought. But in my dreams, he always represents “home,” as in, “I’m finally home now, at ease, now that I’m with you.”

      1. So, you’re looking for whatever it is that makes you feel comfortable, at home, at ease, fully yourself. Some part of you you’ve let go in your current life incarnation. Some sense of your authentic self or interests. Maybe you’re missing a sense of just being who you are, without embellishment, without trying too hard, without proving anything, to yourself or anyone else. To me, “home” always signified a place I could go and face no judgment, have someone on my side, wear sweatpants and not have to engage in theatrics. Are you missing that authentic acceptance of your own self?

  3. I’ve been thinking about this post all day, forming a ball of dough of thoughts that may become something interesting like a lovely, hot loaf of bread.

    I just barely poured a glass of pinot grigot, sat down at my computer to write – contemplative and happy – striving to capture the words that swirl about – and I get this text from middle darling away at college:

    “Shots were fired on campus, we are on lockdown. It’s a little terrifying. I’m fine.”

    Suddenly – everything slams down – calm shatters, peace disappears, contentment flees.

    I’m on the phone with her right now – she’s my sweet, healing, artistic child. She’s wondering if she should move to an inside room because she has an outside window and is vulnerable. I tell her to be calm – she’s fine – no one is after her, and that she is safe.

    How do I know that? I don’t. Do I instill the terror I feel in her? Nope. Do I tell her that I’m now gulping my wine instead of sipping? Nah. Let me lead by example – let her be strong and brave.

    Do I feel that life spins on out of my control no matter how fiercely I believe otherwise? Well – I kind of have to.

    Shit oh dear.

    1. Terrifying and helpless. An event like that changes you, even when you’re safe… or on a phone, gulping wine. It has to.

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