shocking your heart


I remember when I was lying on this same sofa back when we had a coffee table and a dog. You were kneeling on the rug that’s now in our dining room. With tears in your eyes, you took my hand in yours and placed it on my stomach. "Have you been sampling the punch?" I remember asking. You smiled, but you were in a quiet mood. Your eyes looked blue, not gray like they do now.
"Do you know what today is?" you asked me.You watched as my eyes looked up and to the left, trying to access a date or a memory to pin it on. "Today’s the day we went form ‘if it happens it happens’ to actually trying to have a baby." You were so happy. Your face was all cheek.
"I’m ovulatin’ right now. There’s no time for cryin’ you wee gerl." Then I led you to the bedroom, and we made a baby on our first go at it.

Now we’re in our living room, that’s finally lived in. Framed photos of bald-ish babies, photography books. A collection of old Polaroid cameras. A wooden stacking sculpture of rings, rectangles, and octagons in rainbow hues. We’ve built this life together, this sit and spin Playschool of a life, with bent bedtime books and ugly dolls. And I love it, and you. Everything will be fine today because I’ve shocked that heart of yours with more than those paddles they’ll be using.



  1. What a wonderful post. I hope everything is OK with Phil. Whatever is going on, you sound strong and certain and that can only be a good thing. All the best.

  2. Does this mean Phil had a heart attack? If so I hope he has a quick recovery, I know this must be very difficult.

  3. This sounds like surgery. I dislike surgery a lot. So, I hope whoever is enduring it gets awesome medication and has a successful experience because if you have to endure all that, it better be for a good reason.

    Typo – if you care: "Today's the day we went form 'if it happens it happens' to …"

    Should be from, not form.

  4. Oh, Stephanie, My thoughts are with you, and I will look forward to hearing good news from you in your next update. You're right – everything will be fine! Best wishes to you all!

  5. This sounds kind of scary. Sending many good thoughts your way that it all works out the way you want/need it to.

  6. Stephanie-this post is a little scary, because in the past you've alluded to something going on with Phil's health. I hope that whatever it is,
    all comes out okay. Your sweet family has had more than its share of medical worries.
    Good thoughts and best wishes-

  7. I am sitting here in a emergency room, where they brought my beloved Guy after he collapsed at work and there is no new news. I couldn't sit still and felt sick so I decided to distract myself during the wait by reading your blog on my phone. I can't believe the crap life pitches. I have no idea what Phil's health problems are, nor would I dare to ever inquire. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you
    I am thinking of my Guy and your Guy and hoping in a way you wouldn't believe that everything is okay, that all will be fine. Good luck to Phil and your family.

  8. while the answer is in the details, and this post lacks those very things… it's the wanting for more that makes your writing so intriguing. thanks again for another beautiful post.

  9. Stephanie,

    So beautifully written. This is what I love about your writing…your ability to pull me in to a moment you have experienced and leave me wondering and wanting more.

    Although I do hope that all is well given the ending of the post….

    Sending you a hug :)

  10. You were fantastic at BlogHer. I'm taking two pieces of advice – don't answer the critical comments and/or feel free to delete them and set aside blog writing days and article writing days and book writing days and, for me, technical crap I hate to do days. Good advice. Thanks.

  11. The, 'paddles they'll be using', words made my heart leap a bit. I hope all is ok. Why do I think Phil's heart-health is at issue? Best wishes whatever is going on.

  12. This post is so beautiful – I love how your ability to capture a moment far away as if it was just yesterday. I hope to one day look back and remember that moment when my husband and my child was created. You are so lucky to have Phil in your life, as he is lucky to have you.
    I hope he's doing ok, health wise – just know that I'm saying a little prayer for both of you.

  13. This was a stunning two post that knew exactly how to flip on my "Tears" switch.

    It appears that there is concern from your readers on the "paddles" portion of your post. I took that to be a thoughtful foreshadow not currently happening or expected any time soon.

    Thank you for word candy.

  14. Oh Stephanie, I'm sending you virtual hugs and cups of coffee and whatever else you need to get through this, whatever "this" is, and I honestly hope that Phil is okay.

  15. Oh honey…best wishes for health and happiness to you and your entire family.

  16. Bee — is everything OK? Sending best wishes to both guys and hoping for the happiest possible news.

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