Phil submitted a photo to appear on his brand new, personalized, credit card. First off, I didn’t know people, other than those in actual commercials, bothered to personalize their credit cards with a special image. I mean, seriously, who cares? Apparently, my husband. He sent in a photo, a favorite of his, and suggested I do the same. "But yours," he said, "has to be of Lucas, since mine was a photo of Abigail."

"Really? You honestly took the time to fill out the paperwork and crop the image, just so?" He didn’t need to answer. This is the guy who, against the better judgment of corporate marketing executives, always sends in the mail-in rebate. Always. He gets the stubs, scans barcodes, cuts receipt numbers, and always has things postmarked just in time.

"The photo was denied as offensive, inappropriate, obscene, indecent–"
"They think you’re a pedophile. Awesome."
"Can you believe that?"
"Well, which photo did you send?"
"The one of Abigail with the rubber duck."
"Well, come on, Ped-O-Phil, you had to have known better. Remember the fit people threw when I wrote about foie gras? Hello! Personally, I’ve found rubber duckies offensive ever since Ernie declared to the world that his rubber ducky was "the one." No wonder Bert turned evil.