swinging with a fox

So Fox News calls this morning asking to interview me.  They want me to discuss what exactly?
"Swinging.  They left a message."
"Swinging?" … "Swinging from, from what?" Hands-free from a jungle gym, surely. What can I possibly have to say about swingers?  Just because I write candidly about my life and sexuality in Straight Up and Dirty doesn’t make me an expert on open marriages.  What could I possibly have to say?  "Not for me, I’m far too jealous and insecure, but try next door, I hear they wear suede in the summer?"  Instead I said, "Yeah, no thanks on that one."

Look, the phrase is "different strokes for different folks," not "let’s stroke different folks."  I understand different strokes; it’s why Baskin’ Robbin’s has 31 flavors.  So she likes to be asphyxiated and he likes to be dominated.  They share an affinity for animal porn, particularly dogs and horses being blown followed up by vaginal and anal sex.  I can tolerate pretty much anything, aside from being shat on… and most certainly aside from involving another woman.  Or worse, trading.  You take her, while I get with him.  A modern day wife swap.

I’d never be able to get over it.  I’d cling to the details.  Even in the agreed context of "just sex" the memories would linger.  I’d create his for him.  I’d imagine what she did differently, what she knew he liked that I didn’t.  I’d want to get into his head and know what he remembered.  And it would destroy us.  Ha.  I’ve already done it with women from his past, not with women he was fucking while with me.  This isn’t about filthy, about doing the "right thing" as society deems.  It’s about believing in your vows, in the history and tradition of the words and rituals.  Even when both partners agree to swap or swing or however it goes, I have a suspicion one of the partners will eventually either want to stop or want to bring it to another level.  It’s just bad business.

It’s one thing to have and share fantasies with your partner.  Live them out in a safe environment.  But as soon as you have to go outside your relationship for excitement, by including other people (even a watcher who’ll jerk off as he watches you), I have no doubt there are other symptoms indicating what else is wrong in your relationship.  Yes, wrong.  Judgment call here, absolutely.  And I’m a pretty open-minded woman when it comes down to it.  But if you’re married, and have chosen to participate in the rituals and laws there to protect that marriage, it is wrong on so many levels to even swing there. 



  1. Umm…I clearly remember a 69 question post in which you declare your self a tried and true democrat, not to mention your a straight up and dirty New Yorker…so Fox News?? NO! Even if they wanted to discuss women who caught thier husbands cheating and moved on and happenend to give birth to twins [yeah that specific ;-)] the answer would still have to be NO. Being of the aforementioned party the interview would start out Stephanie's husband was a doctor and being the evil democrat she is she "still" wanted him to be faithful and go on from there. Picture Mancow but on TV. God No! You would sooner want to meet Helga!
    PS Got offer for second photography show!!! (through word of mouth, nonetheless) Seriously couldn't have happened with out you being a…absentee fairy godmother?? Love you tons and sorry if this post is crazy. I had more than a few mojito's to celebrate! Now off to bed and early to rise so I can do what?? Work on my photography, that's what!
    PS>I know I'll see this in the morning and cringe but hey it's straight from the heart. <3

  2. god, i love the fact that you're not a media whore. oh, and do you, or any fellow readers, have any opinions on san antonio, TX? my dad is moving there because of a promotion and i'm considering going with for a change of scenery.

  3. Do it!! By talking about swinging, it doesn't mean that you take part in it! Make it clear from the start that you have never taken part in any form of "swinging" and even express how wrong you think it is. I'm sure you've heard about people who swing, so tell those stories. Give your opinion. It's great publicity. I would go for it.


    When I said, "Do it", I was ONLY referring to the appearance on Fox News…NOT the swinging. I'm just saying that you shouldn't pass up great publicity exposure.

  5. ewww…I suppose it goes with the horror of being "pigeon holed". I can hear rhe Fox news journalist's brain ticking over "yeah she is a wild one…she'll know all about this…" Good for you for turning down the interveiw! For being exactly that: damn honest!

  6. FOX, the evil conservative Republican corporate run machine wants to talk with someone as LIBERAL as you??? Hmmm…maybe the media is beginning to turn.

  7. Speaking as a registered Republican, FOX News is a great outlet to appear on if you want everything you have ever written to be taken drastically out of context and then be shouted down by a semi-literate talking head while you try and get a word in to defend yourself. I can't believe you're passing this opportunity up.

  8. Fox News scares me, this could be a rouse and they could suddenly put you in a debate with Ann Coulter on foreign policy, in one of those double screen debates. Be careful!

  9. As a moderate Republican, I totally agree with Civilizer!

    And, Shanti, San Antonio is a great town if you are completey comfortable living in Mexico – meaning it's a majority Hispanic town. Not trying to be xenophobic or racist here, just realistic. You need to know Spanish. Although they do have great food….

  10. If Kristen is being honest, than I will be, as well. If you had appeared on Fox News, it would have been much more difficult to continue reading the blog. And I read it – everyday. But going on a show that purports to be "journalism" to talk about swinging? It's cheap. Flat out. Paris-Hilton-bedazzler-4th-season-Real-World-Reality-"Star"-cheap. So glad you didn't do that.

  11. I live in San Antonio and while it is always an asset to be bilingual you most certainly do not need to speak Spanish to live here!

  12. Jesus. I like reading your posts; but the comments are like watching a bunch of monkeys trying to hump a football.

  13. Maybe a swinger can tell us what the point of swinging is. Whats the goal? Where's the pleasure? What do you get out of it? Its bizarre to me. I'm with Stephanie. It'd eat me alive.

  14. I lived in San Antonio for 22 years, just recently moved to Florida…It is dominantly a hispanic city, however I'm with mom2boyz, you do not need to speak Spanish. I don't know what part of town Kristen lived in saying you have to know how to speak Spanish.

  15. Having sex with others while still maintaining a successful marriage can be done. I base that statement on being married for almost 30 years and having had several sexual experiences not with my husband (and he can say the same). We've been honest, open, and it's not been without problems. But we wouldn't be as happy — or as married — as we are today if we hadn't had this arrangement on and off throughout our entire marriage. I look at other marriages and there is an awful undercurrent of mistrust, low self-esteem and disrespect, all having to do with fidelity. Believe it or not, it's a bigger issue in a marriage like that than in an open relationship like mine.

  16. Shanti, you definitely don't need to know Spanish to live in San Antonio, tho you might end up learning some. And no, it is nothing like being in Mexico.

    The best thing about SA is the ridiculously low cost of living. You can build a 10,000 square foot home in northern SA (which has hill country just like Austin) for the same money as buying a West Village studio apartment.

    However, for people fresh out of school looking for their first jobs, SA is not the best city to be in. People don't really leave here, or leave their jobs, so there's not a lot of turnover. And pay isn't really competitive compared to the rest of America.

    Plus, it's hard to be single. Most guys are married by the time they're 28. But luckily Austin is only 75 miles away, and it's brimming with cuties.

  17. Carolina, honeslty, one should never say never. You make "being alone" and "sperm bank child" seem so terrible/icky, and both are most defeinetly NOT: open your mind to possibilties other than the existence you have for yourself, as opposed to that for others. Life is short…I honestly feel the need to try almost anything once….YET, i don't think i could be in a relationship as open as Lee's, (not because i think its so much "wrong" as its because i'm just not made that way, i'm a total jealous drama queen type…) but more power to her (and her husband) for doing what feels right for THEM. Who are WE to judge??

  18. Wow, I'm surprised to see such a narrow-minded and intolerant bent in this post and the comments. Of course, everyone is entitled to her own opinion and preferences in sex, relationships, and life-style, but all this harping about "protecting" marriage and tradition? Seems very conservative for this particular blog.

    "Sperm donor child?" I just hope you don't have kids yourself and take your prejudices into the nursery schools and or onto the playgrounds of America!

    I wonder if Stephanie also subscribes to the cliche "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" while she's drawing life lessons from such pearls of wisdom?!

    For the record, I'm not in an open relationship myself and never could be. Just a bemused reader who wonders if others felt an "icky provincialism" from these posts.

  19. Regarding the poster who said living in San Antonio is like living in Mexico. It is not. I say this as someone who spent the first 18 years of my life there and whose family still lives there. You do not need to be bilingual. Yes, the majority of the population is Hispanic, but most of them are American-Hispanics, meaning they are more American than Mexican. A lot don't even look Hispanic (if there was such a think as looking Hispanic). I found Kristen's post insulting and ignorant.

    However, a poster above was correct in saying that San Antonio doesn't have many opportunities for entry-level jobs unless you work in the medical field. It is a family town. It feels like a small town, even though it is one of the nation's largest cities. The people there are very friendly and the cost of living is low.

  20. "I wonder if Stephanie also subscribes to the cliche "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" while she's drawing life lessons from such pearls of wisdom?!"

    Um, why would you even bring up homosexuality in a post about open marriages? I have no idea. And uh, for the record, I'm 100% supportive of all committed relationships. Gay, straight, trans-gender, whatever. And I'm also all for artificial insemination. You kind of have to be kidding me though, using this post as an inroad to these topics.

  21. Ditto to Christina-thanks for beating me to the punch. I am from SA as well and quite sensitive to ignorance regarding my beloved city and its people. Silly I know, but that's the whole TexMex pride I guess. Thanks for bringing clarity.

  22. Obviously having an open marriage isn't something that most people choose to do, but I have to argue against the idea that if you have an open marriage, there must be something "wrong" with it. I'm sure there are some couples who have other underlying issues that prompt them to start swinging, but I think you'd find that the majority of swingers feel that their relationship is even stronger because of it.

  23. I didn't feel "icky proventialism." I'd venture to say that most people, if polled, would agree with Stephanie's comments regarding swinging/open marriages/traditional marriage. A swinger lifestyle is definitely a minority lifestyle. And what does any of this have to do with gay marriage?

    It may be a character flaw, but I fully agree that I could never be okay with an open relationship or a sexual encounter with more than one person, for all the exact reasons Stephanie described.

  24. Shanti,
    Check out the latest issue of Texas Monthly for a review of San Antonio's new Latino Art Museum. I can't remember the name exactly, but it sounds lovely. The best point made in San Antonio's favor was the fact that it's an hour and twenty minute's drive from Austin. And Austin is definitely a city worth moving to. While you are considering San Antonio, check us out down here in Austin.

  25. Gore Vidal has said the key to his LTR working is that he and his partner never had sex with each other; bill schuss, leader of the esalen encounter movemt. said he and his wife came to true monogamy only after trying everything else……………..from an old blues song" without trust, we don't get very far"………JJ

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