So Fox News calls this morning asking to interview me.  They want me to discuss what exactly?
"Swinging.  They left a message."
"Swinging?" … "Swinging from, from what?" Hands-free from a jungle gym, surely. What can I possibly have to say about swingers?  Just because I write candidly about my life and sexuality in Straight Up and Dirty doesn’t make me an expert on open marriages.  What could I possibly have to say?  "Not for me, I’m far too jealous and insecure, but try next door, I hear they wear suede in the summer?"  Instead I said, "Yeah, no thanks on that one."

Look, the phrase is "different strokes for different folks," not "let’s stroke different folks."  I understand different strokes; it’s why Baskin’ Robbin’s has 31 flavors.  So she likes to be asphyxiated and he likes to be dominated.  They share an affinity for animal porn, particularly dogs and horses being blown followed up by vaginal and anal sex.  I can tolerate pretty much anything, aside from being shat on… and most certainly aside from involving another woman.  Or worse, trading.  You take her, while I get with him.  A modern day wife swap.

I’d never be able to get over it.  I’d cling to the details.  Even in the agreed context of "just sex" the memories would linger.  I’d create his for him.  I’d imagine what she did differently, what she knew he liked that I didn’t.  I’d want to get into his head and know what he remembered.  And it would destroy us.  Ha.  I’ve already done it with women from his past, not with women he was fucking while with me.  This isn’t about filthy, about doing the "right thing" as society deems.  It’s about believing in your vows, in the history and tradition of the words and rituals.  Even when both partners agree to swap or swing or however it goes, I have a suspicion one of the partners will eventually either want to stop or want to bring it to another level.  It’s just bad business.

It’s one thing to have and share fantasies with your partner.  Live them out in a safe environment.  But as soon as you have to go outside your relationship for excitement, by including other people (even a watcher who’ll jerk off as he watches you), I have no doubt there are other symptoms indicating what else is wrong in your relationship.  Yes, wrong.  Judgment call here, absolutely.  And I’m a pretty open-minded woman when it comes down to it.  But if you’re married, and have chosen to participate in the rituals and laws there to protect that marriage, it is wrong on so many levels to even swing there.