little miss missing

I miss my Hampton’s weekends, meeting new people in the house, or driving to other houses to meet other people, or out to The Talkhouse or a clambake.  I remember being there, single, not too long ago, speaking with Alexandra as we pulled into Bamboo for our saketinis.  We were navigating the path for the first time that summer, and she clutched my hand and said, “It could all be different next summer.  We could have totally different lives.”   And she didn’t say it as if it were a bad thing.  She was hopeful.  While it was fun being single and silly, we were both ready for love.  “I’ll kill myself,” she added, “if my life is exactly the same, coming out here each summer trying to find someone.”  Then we clicked glasses and shared a few maki rolls.

Our summer wasn’t exactly spent trying to meet anyone, not overtly, but the hope was there each time we passed the lip-gloss and asked for approval on our outfits before heading to the next rosé house party, flipping our hair, pulling in our stomachs, our shoulders back.  I mostly went to sleep alone, excited to be falling asleep with a sheet, in the summer, with the smell of grass and damp, ready for a new day to begin, where we’d all awake in our half-slumbers, clutching for the bottled water and car keys, taking coffee orders.  That’s what I miss, the communal girl time, the magazines and SPF being passed by the pool, the retelling of our stories, on our beds, in our socks.  But what I don’t miss is the longing for the life I have now.  I don’t miss missing.  I think we’ll always miss.  Now I miss my friends, our summers together, but then I missed being in a relationship, missed sleeping with someone who wanted to touch me, missed being in love.

Now I miss the tossed salad places on every corner of New York.  I miss dark bistros with small votive candles and big red wines, awnings, and sidewalks littered with people selling things.  Hot dogs.  Nuts.  Cheap sunglasses, pashminas, and knock-off bags.  If I were there, I’d complain about the heat because in the city, it’s more intolerable, with the lines and the crowds, slow people, and public transportation.  I’d miss space, having grass, pool parties, stairs and rooms, plural.   The stars.  I’d miss the sound of crickets and the sight of birds circling above.   Proper grocery stores.  How happy Linus is here.   There will always be a case for other.  There will always be something to miss, but I realize it’s okay to miss.  It doesn’t change how happy I am now.  My life is just different now.  Not better, not worse, it’s all just data.  Information we collect in our lives, memories and photos stored up and filed away.  It’s how we live, in the living and the missing. 



  1. Yeah, I find myself being in the same boat, as I am in Alaska fishing this summer(pun intended, by the way!) We miss what we cannot have, and in the empty void that follows one, we learn to love what we have even more. Half of me wants to stay here-the other day, as we were pulling up our net, a whale tried a "hit and run" on our skiff, knocking it pretty hard and the driver, a 17 year old kid from Kenai, even harder. I could get used to this sort of thing….but then I am reminded of the things that I miss the most-my Seattle, my GIF and my horse, and I realize that this is not my home. It take some serious searching to find where your heart can be comfortable, and when the heart can embrace the newness of something completely, then you are ready to leave the familiar and start anew.

    Glad to hear that Texas has become home for you and the Sutior.

  2. What a lovely post. I miss the Hamptons too, I had some shares there, although we were far more bawdy and low-rent to go to Rose parties and drink saketinis. I'm talking Hampton Bays baby….
    Nothing extravagant there!

    I think you have a fantastic, beautiful, and important beginning in Austin. What a great thing to pick up and move, with the two loves of your life. Enjoy it live it breathe it. You are amazing.

  3. It doesnt matter how much we have achieved or how happy we are, it will never be enough. There`s always more.

  4. REALLY nice, SK! You tied this one right up in a bow: The living and the missing. Couldn't agree more.

    Living also lets you learn what you don't miss at all. What a surprise and relief that can be, too.

  5. I just got back from NY – a few days ago. I'm back in chilly (literally 61 and COLD) SF. The weather was oppressive – hot, muggy. It was like i wore a warm wet sweater for 2 weeks. But i LOVED it. I was with my honey – and we spent our free time in SoHo – cutting our way through the masses, fondling the cheap sunglasses and plastic wrapped 'pashminas', bartering with the makeshift jewelry stands. It's hard to come back. It's like leaving home to come home, if that makes any sense. We're talking about joining a beach club for next summer – hopefully i'll be a full time NY resident then… until then and my next visit – i'll miss him and NY and the chaos and the calmness of it all. I can't wait until there's nothing to miss.

  6. I think only a dead person or a liar has never missed or yearned for another moment in time.. that's just human..

  7. I remember moving to another state (from MN) because of an opportunity, and from being grounded for so long. Then after a year, my husband was laid off, this was during 9/11. It was a shock but they say to stay at least 2-3 years when you do this sort of thing to see if it works. He worked hard and tried new things but other things were happening back home, like my Mom dying of cancer. So, we came home at the perfect time, after 3 years, and it was a good move because I got to spend her last year with her. And I would do it all over again if I had the chance. So take chances and opportunities when you can. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. Want to start singing now Stephanie? Hee hee!

  8. Stephanie,

    Your a goddess in this one…its really one of the best posts i've ever read. Thank you for your expression, realness and reminder to not wish the moments away. I often screw myself over believing that everything would be so much better if "HE" would just get here….all my self-help gurus tell me thats not true. I don't believe them, but you, i believe more….maybe not fully, but it helps. But i wonder, is it true that your life "isn't better or worse?" I don't believe you don't think its better sharing it with your man, and not living with the dreadful longing. Yes? No? Regardless, Thank You….

  9. Tomorrow…tomorrow…HA HA! Where's JoeyB? He always has some good insights and wow, how lucky his wife must be.

  10. this was a perfect posting for me right now too! I just got back from IA and it was great to see so many family members and all my friends….it can be hard to come back to my home where you sometimes feel so alone! Thank you for this posting…I know there will always be something that I miss!

  11. Question:

    If your Suitor-ed self could have spoken to the Ghost of Single Stephanie, back in the day, what would she say?

  12. Yearning burning long ago Asparagus Beach days. Salty sweet air in hair sprinkled with some mysterious mixture of Native Tan and Tab. Shared the tabs on decks while gold-strained dreck garmentos stared. Sweared they'd call. We stirred blurry thoughts, faced the music and danced. Martell martyrs. Would we go back there again? Not in our wildest, winding our way down through Baker Street dreams.

  13. I think about our Hamptons summers all the time. We are so lucky to have the most amazing memories that we will always cherish. xo

  14. Clearly the guy with the nice-when-pissed girlfriend isn't getting his Stephanie advice published here … ?

  15. Refreshing is a word that comes to mind after I read this. It reminds me so much of my own friends/family, how our lives change so much in no time at all and how much I will miss my friends, family, girlz weekend excursions, etc. when I move to San Francisco next year. Thank you for helping me realize that I shouldn't be so afraid of missing all of these things when I go. I will miss them and always have my wonderful memories…AND if I don't like it there, I can always come back. ;)

  16. This is my first post. This post, too, has come at a time when I have been nostalgically pondering my old single life. It's funny how when we are partnered, we look back on 'singledom' as a romantic and exciting 'anything can happen' part of our lives. When in reality, I was probably yearning for what I have now. The grass is always greener, or just a different shade of green?…

  17. The humidity is SOOOO oppressive in the NYC right now!! And I'm going to the Philharmonic in Central Park tonight to suffer some more.

  18. This post resonated with me. I'm a grass-is-greener kind of girl. Man do I love my husband and baby, my house, my crazy schedule and career. But man do I miss fun with no money, my red beach bike, the Pioneer Valley, pot luck parties, and fancying myself a hippie.

    On a writing note, this and many other of your posts would be more powerful if you resisted the urge to wrap it all up with a pithy, preachy sentence or two. We get that 'this is how we live, in the living and the missing' because you've just shown us. Telling us is redundant and maybe a little patronizing.

  19. ‘There will always be a case for other’ .. no matter how good life gets, the *other* continue to linger in our minds, taunting.
    ‘There will always be something to miss’ … always.

  20. True, there will always be regret, but I think that mostly, regret (in the right proportion) can add spice to what we have now.

    But absolutely lovely post!

  21. I disagree only with your implied concept that neither is better. It's a subjective decision (and can be viewed through an objective analysis), however, when deciding between two things, we usually deem one better than the other.

  22. I know what you mean. I just moved to Houston (I LOVE Austin, by the way) on Sunday, and I miss Madison. Like you say, though, it's just "different" . . . Adjustment will come with time.

  23. Sweet. Sweet sweet sweet. Excellent writing. This post yearns for elaboration; it wants to become a story or something larger. I loved it.

  24. Stephanie, iloved the post…I agree, there's always something to miss, like when I left FL, or NY, or Israel…somehow I'm never where I want to be. This post hit home.

  25. S.K., your writing is very good, but I am happy to report to you that your life is not a greek tragedy.

    I am entertained by your blog, but find some of your posts somewhat distressing – in particular, your post comparing bingeing on donuts and cookies to "whorishness" (antiquated language). Some of your writing is indicative of an immature outlook bound by entitlement and elitism.

    Being slightly over your standaridized weight is not a handicap. Like the rest of us, you are not entitled, nor expected to be perfect.

    Memories of Hampton weekends, fabulous friends and a nice book deal are cause enough for celebration.

  26. Just saw your article in Elle UK.

    Sandwiched between Jennifer Aniston and Superman.

    Can't beat that.

  27. I agree wholeheartedly. I think life just evolves and to truly enjoy life you have to find something to love in each phase of it. And missing is, of course, ok.

  28. I'm moving to Shea Stadium. Never will trade for damn yankees. Wright? Right! It takes balls to stay true to your heart. Plus the grass is greener in Queens.

  29. I think you'll always miss your SUAD life. The people, the places, the food, the sex, the old job, yada yada yada. It will always be a part of you. And sometimes, when you really miss it the most, you'll feel the need to write about it. And that's good from where I sit. I'm happy for you in your new life and enjoy reading about it. But a little taste of the old once in awhile always keeps us readers smiling.

  30. "Where's JoeyB? "

    Joey is all the way down here at the bottom of the page, reflecting on how lucky he's been. All of my married friends have left the neighborhood. You certainly wouldn't call it a great area or anything, but it is nice, and it is a neighborhood. And while my friend's now live in 'nice' areas, I do not envy any of them. I think all of the guys would have preferred to have stayed, but their wives felt differently, and I can understand the reasoning.

    Anyway, one of my friends recently told me that he was trying to talk his wife into moving back. Even if he never does, it was like a breath of fresh air to hear the longing for the old neighborhood and the old ways of life.

  31. I can't believe how well timed this is. The exact feelings are racing around in my head as the move-in-with-the-boyfriend approaches THIS WEEKEND. The single life is hard; giving up single life is hard too… maybe harder.

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