stess test

If I had to take a stress test right now, I’d fail.  I don’t care if it’s not the type of test you can fail.  I just would, and with flying colors.  Reds mostly.  My stomach is a knot; it has nothing to do with tonight’s reading (where, incidentally, I have no idea what to read).  It has nothing to do with moving to Texas.  It has nothing to do with The Suitor’s approaching birthday (and the gift I haven’t thought up yet).  Or the fact that I’m running out of wee-wee pads for Linus, so now he can continue to shit on my floor without my having to scold, "just missed, just had to miss the paper by this much, huh?"  Or the clothes I don’t have to wear anymore, since I’ve gained a brick.  Or the fact that the stores have stopped stocking up on my Dove roll-on, not solid, deodorant, so now I have to switch brands.  And you can’t just SWITCH!  ‘Cause it takes time to build up in your system or something.  When I switch brands, I bust a pit.  Especially when I’m stressing.  But there’s nothing to stress over, right?  Hi.  How about today alone, I handed in my first pass of the manuscript and am now drumming up PR and marketing ideas for the book.  How about speaking on the phone with a magazine stylist, answering questions about my measurements and actual poundage.  140.  I said it out loud.  "I’m normal," I said.  "Pear," I continued.  "Short-waisted with good cleavage and calves.  Hide the rest of me."  I don’t even care anymore.  I’m too stressed to care.  All I need is some wine.  I’m starting the drinking early today.  Don’t forget to join me later at 76th & Amsterdam.  JCC.  Lit Cafe.  8 PM.  Just show up.  (This plug is part of the PR pushing.)



  1. Hell Yes you are normal! I swear it is just one of those days, where your horoscope reads: Do Not Leave The House Today!
    Wish I could be there tonight! Ten bucks if you utter the phrase …"with a diet Pepsi and a large paper clip…". Real Classy. Best of luck!

  2. never having had a child, i don't pretend to be an expert on matters of childbearing. that said, having observed friends and family go through the getting pregnant process:

    if you're trying to get pregnant, aren't you supposed to avoid or, in any event, go pretty light on alcohol? (assuming that you won't know you're pregnant for the first couple of weeks or so…)

    just a thought. (although, admittedly, not necessarily one that will lead to less stress.)

  3. I'd go for a South African or New Zealand Sauvingnon Blanc to fit the weather and get in the mood for Austin.

    Sure it's stressful, but all because of you great success, and that's something to feel damn proud of. Good luck on your reading!

  4. Deep Breath – inhale … exhale. One more time – inhale … … exhale.

    You'll do great tonight – no worries. You'll be surrounded by people who are there to cheer you on – even without knowing you – they're in your corner.

    Try or for discontinued beauty items – this happens to me all the time – and i buy them out if i can :)

  5. The same thing happened to me when Unilever stopped making my Degree Roll-On. It was the best. It smelled good and never got on my clothes. I've tried other Degree products to no avail. Followed by a brief Dove period and now Secret.

    Nothing will ever measure up. It's been two years and my pits still weep.

  6. Your plea for us to show up to your reading is endearing; sweetly reminiscent of high school elections. I see a fear between the lines, a fear that the room will be empty. It isn't likely but I can imagine how the pit in your stomach feels.

  7. I'd love to be there tonight – but even if I flew out this moment, I'd miss ya. But I'm sending positive vibes from here. You'll be brilliant! I, personally, would start with champagne…there's so much to celebrate. Best of luck.

  8. Good Luck tonight! I am sure you will do great. Being a sweater myself, I am partial to Ban roll on. Although with my upcoming move to FL, I fear it will no longer do the trick. You could also try for night time Certain Dry. You put it on before bed and it tingles a little and it supposedly shrinks your sweat glands. Maybe not healthy long-term, but it works. You can find it in any drug store.

  9. OK, seriously, how tall are you? I don't think 140 sounds like a lot! But if you're like 5'0" tall, yeah, it could be a lot…so, what's your height?

  10. Stephanie,
    Try Certain Dri — you can buy it on It burns your pits a little the first few times you use it, but well worth it!

  11. Stephanie,

    First try Degree for Men in gel. You barely need to use any and you're good for the entire day or two. Sometimes I'm too tired to wake up early enough for a shower.

    Second, I have been reading your blog since the article in the Times and its been good. But lately, there is something about every entry. Even if I haven't gone through what you're writing about I can connect with it. You're so fluid and clear in your thoughts. I can't wait to read it every day. Your perfect ability to express your thoughts and emotions shows your writing is getting better and better and yeah better! Keep writing.

  12. steph, i think you're gorgeous. just breathe — sometimes laying down and rubbing your own belly helps. xoxo

  13. We have a dilemma in common. When i looked down at the scale, fully aware that I had packed on the pounds in record time, the sheer horror of seeing 140 stunned me. Hell at 39, stress and despair resulted in weight loss, now at 40 something-I found myself without proper fitting clothing-and 20 lbs heavier in two months. Woo hoo! This is foreign territory for me, and no amount of directing the eye upward will mask the italian hips and thighs I am sporting. Granted not fat by any means but larger than ever for me.Guess I'll be the one wrapped in a stylish sheet tonight as I can't find a pair of pants to fit over this ass of mine.This entry of yours like so many others is forcing me out to listen tonight. Looking forward to finally hearing you in the flesh.

  14. 140lbs is totally within normal range. What happened to "normal?" It seems like everyone woman I know thinks that they are fat. The reality is, you are probably somewhere in the normal range for your height even on the days you feel large-marge. Remember, fat is not a feeling.

  15. try lady mitchum, its not glamorous, but neither are sweaty pits. i think their slogan used to be "so effective you can skip a day," it really is that good. it is the closest thing i have found to perscription.

    good luck tonight, i wish i could be there! one of these days i will actually move to the city so i can stop by cool things like this on a whim instead of having to plan out a whole production every time i want to do something in new york.

  16. Let me just say one thing (or a few things here)….. A woman carries her weight much differently than another. It’s all about ‘how you carry yourself’—-it’s not about the numbers. You’re a sexy, curvy and beautiful woman Stephanie. Stop being so damn hard on yourself.

    When I get insecure about the way I look and my weight, I create an imagery. Imagine a party being held for you. (Well you don’t have to imagine that really…it’s reality.) But imagine yourself being one of the people who are attending. You’re walking in their shoes right now…and then you see her—Stephanie Klein. What are your first thoughts—-(AS the other person)??? Do you say, “Wow, there’s a confident and beautiful woman…a friend that I love…?” Or do you think negatively about Stephanie? I have a feeling that you wouldn’t think negatively.

    When someone looks confident—and puts on a great smile and has a terrific personality—that’s what they see. It’s called beauty. So stop with your self-bashing tonight and show them what you got. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there tonight to see you read. I hope one day to drop in on one of those events.

    And please do not feel bad about plugging your book. I’m my ‘own PR person’ for the book I just wrote. Self publishing sucks @ss big time! (ha) But seriously, I have sent copies and flyers out of my book that I just published to many many bookstores around the U.S. I even got one of those buttons on my blog—-and I am OFFICIALLY one starving artist! (Well maybe not starving since I can’t fit into some of my clothes…oy!)

    Good luck!

    P.S. I nearly spit out my tea when I read, “bust a pit”!!!

  17. oh gosh…i wish i could come…but Chicago is a bit to far away i would suspect! ;-) you will do fine tonight…and with everything else coming at you too. and if you don't do well, just drink away your sorrows like the rest of us do! ;-)

  18. Ha, I like "bust a pit"…I usually say "spiced" which is pretty funny, too. It's almost 8! You'll do great!

  19. Wish I could come to your reading! Unfortunately I am in Philly. But I'm sure it will have gone just fine.
    I use the Ban liquid roll-on one, it's pretty good and has a very neutral scent.
    Don't know if this will be comforting, but naturally-skinnies have the exact same hide-me-from-the-world days.
    Best of luck with the book and the move, as always :)

  20. I know what you mean … I freaked out when Secret quit making the scent I like. If they quit making the entire product I think I will just have to stop wearing it.

    Eww, I just grossed myself out.

  21. shuttup bubba. haha. wish i could come, but i wish you well. for some reason your recent entries have been deeper, more introspective, at least in my opinion. a certain peace or coming of age has been revealing itself quietly but meaningfully within your posts. thanks for entertaining us with your writing. i'm a regular visitor :).

  22. My scale hasn't said 140 since the 7th grade. I'm happy if I can get it to say 170, but then again, I'm also 5'11. 5'11 and 140 lbs ain't gonna happen no matter what Cosmo says. Now all I gotta do is stop living with the Curly Haired Stick Figure and maybe I'll start to believe it.

    Oh yeah, it was great meeting you tonight, Stephanie. The reading was very good and I'm definitely gonna buy the book in July. And umm, you might want to try Secret. It works for me and my armpits have a tendency to explode by midmorning. Strong stuff.

  23. Good luck! I hope it goes great and most of all, is fun.

    If I lived there, I'd be there. Consider me there in person.

  24. A few things after meeting you tonight at the reading:

    1. You are so likeable that I'm now sure that none of the nastier commenters on your blog have ever met you in person.

    2. You're about a thousand times more gorgeous in real life.

    3. Thanks so much for inspiring me to be braver in my writing. I've learned so much about myself from writing my blog, and I owe a lot of it to you, because reading your blog made me realize I could write about something real instead of posting throwaway stories about pop culture, etc., that really didn't mean anything to me or resonate with my readers in any real way.

    4. There are people who let bad experiences like the one you had with your ex-husband darken and embitter them, and still others who take these experiences, locate the value in them, and turn it into something positive, even if it's just by letting others know they're not alone. You, Stephanie, are assuredly part of the latter group. Congratulations on all that you've achieved; you deserve it.

    Can't wait for the book to come out!

  25. I'm 5' 6", 149 lbs and gorgeous. I'm noticed wherever I go. You're 140 and stunning. I mean the hair, the skin, the boobs….you're a true beauty, on the INSIDE as well (from what I've read, anyways). So stop worrying about it as a.)worrying is a worthless emotion and is often more paralyzing than motivating and b.)fretting about one's weight, I've found, only makes one fatter.
    c.) also, it's bad for the complexion.

    I would have loved to come to your reading. It sounded and from the pictures looked like a great success! BRAVO!

  26. I had sweaty pits (i was always pitting out, was afraid to raise my hand in class, etc.) through most of high school and college. I tried EVERYTHING, from Secret to Mitchum and nothing worked. Certain Dri is a savior. Follow the directions (you are supposed to use it before bed) and you will be as dry as a desert.

  27. try mitchum for men. as a man who can bust a pit with the best of them, if it works for me, i bet it will work for you.

    with regard to weight gain, unfortunately there is a tradeoff for great food. the meals you prepare sound amazing, as you can tell from everyones mouth watering comments. the problem is, they are probably loaded with fat. so, the dilemna is, is the price of weight gain associated with eating fat laden meals worth the toll it plays on mental health. its not to me, and i know i feel like shit when i gain weight. i guess the problem is its tough for people who cant look at a piece of lettuce without gaining 5 lbs to feel bad for someone who indulges in obviously fat laden meals frequently, and then isnt happy when they gain weight.

    sorry, its not being snarky, but sometimes tough love if the only way to go. i think some folks who comment need to learn that telling someone that destructive behavior is ok, and that they are great anyway, isnt really the best thing for them to hear, especially when their behavior causes them to feel bad about themselves. they can still be a great person, but sometimes you have to be the brutally honest friend, if its intended to be in the friends best interest.

  28. I just wished I still lived in NYC, I would have been there in a heartbeat. Can't wait til the book comes out! ~Jodi

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