Don’t cry out loud. Just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings… I loved to love that song. But really, that sentiment is everything about which I scream against. No, sing that shit loud and let everyone know, and don’t be afraid to say it because they might only listen to you that one time. As I once overheard in a grade-school uptown, "Say it loud; say it proud." I’m sayin’ it now.
Tonight was amazing. I didn’t say A-MAZE-ING because quite frankly, I hate that shite. Plantation will be happy to hear he was named among the "fans we’ve met" list, though really, he has become a true friend, beyond "reader," so I felt weird discussing him, even in passing. Tonight was a break for me, really, in the criticism column. Someone asked about my critics and how I respond. "Yes, there are critics who speak of being kind to others, of influencing and making friends, but at the end of the day, if you have nothing nice to say, shut your fucking hole. And if you have a criticism, say it with KINDNESS. Be nice to other people. Try to understand. Take a vacation from snarky, and just be human." That’s what I should have said. Instead, I gave a Cliff’s Notes answer, but the message was the same. It’s what I loved so much about tonight. For once, it wasn’t snark. Genuine people, people I’d be friends with, really friends, approached me (under my demand) and let me know about their lives. And I loved it. I wanted more time with each person I met. Wanted to know more about the cosmetics line she did the packaging for, more about her white eyebrows, more about her time in Texas, more about her recent break-up. I wanted more time.
“I wish you had more time to speak,” a friend of a friend I’d never met before said. “Because you’re so honest about what happened to you.” I’m not honest for the sake of being honest. It’s not about shock value. It’s about being honest about me. This really is who I am. I cried tonight while reading from my book. Because it’s real. It’s not a novel. It’s what I lived through. And in a weird way, it was so comforting to hear, even for me who’s past it now, that I’m not alone in it. Any of it. And that’s the power of it, I guess, knowing that we’re not alone in it, in the break-ups or in-laws or anything else with a hypen. We have a family we’ve never met, cheering for us from the silent seats. And there’s a comfort in that “I totally know!” It’s exactly why I don’t sugar-coat or pretend to be someone I’m not. Because deep down, this is who we are. At any level, we are full of “um’s” and uncertainty, but you take a step and a risk, and you say Hi. Or say Bye… when the timing is right. Or wrong, fucked up wrong, but at least you don’t apologize for saying FUCK. Man, too many people are uptight. Just live. Live sloppy and real and honest. Really honest. And everything else, I promise, will fall into place.
It is so amazing to meet the people behind the names, and I imagine it works both ways. “My God, it’s so weird to see you, and your friends, who’ve been only photos and words, as real people.” No, what’s amazing is strangers meeting me, telling me how reading my blog has changed their lives. It makes me cry, really. Because, at the end of the day, I really am just like they are. I’m the same. And it’s comforting to me, that no matter what happens, I’m really not alone in this life. And, THAT is what we all want to know. And as long as I’m around, I want people to know, I’m here, and they are not alone. Really.
