Things have not improved whatsoever since last week. The only added bonus is that I weigh 120.5 lbs. Tomorrow I’ll be 124 lbs., though, because today things seemed okay. My life has been turned up side down. This has been so horrible. I had the security of having a fiancé. I felt good about wearing the engagement ring. Because things have been so awful, I’ve been unable to be myself, the Stephanie he fell in love with. Instead, especially tonight, I’ve been acting like a complete psychopath. No doubt, I’d be committed if they came for me tonight. So much has gone wrong over the past 3 weeks. Nothing between us has been pleasant, and I hate fighting. One fight is one thing, but this has been ongoing to the point where it feels like we are at the end of our relationship. There’s nothing I can do about it.
He says he’ll stop with the lies, that he’ll communicate better, that he’ll talk about his stress. Meanwhile, he said all of this to me honestly last week. Since then, he has continued to lie to me, and he has told me that he’s nothing but confused. It is just like high school. We’re both upset. We want to make it better, but then he picks a fight with me. Then says he just picked the fight because he needs to be out of here for a while. He says those words “confused” or “I’ve got to get away for a couple of days” and I turn into a begging child, screaming, pathetically. Please, no, anything but that. Please don’t let it come to that. Then I say, “Fine. You know where the door is.” And, I try to act like it’s okay. Inside, I’m dieing. It’s the worst feeling in the world. Then he sees how sad I am, feels guilty and says he’ll try to work it out with me. I hate it. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a rope, kicking, dangling at the bottom, trying not to tire, to fall. At least I’m not fat.
Now we’re trying to have fun with the little time he does have, but it doesn’t work. Any time I see him, I end up crying because he put me through all this. Now I’m acting psycho. So, I’ll try to go to sleep.
But, just this morning he talked about leaving; then I “convinced” him not to. Then, we had seex, because I wanted him to feel happy and close. Sounds like high school. If I learned anything over the years it should have been how to walk or let him walk away.
I haven’t learned how to let go yet. I hope I get there one day and remember I’m an individual. Remember the days when I was younger and didn’t know to recognize any of my imperfections. I would write “famous notes” when I was eight years old, looking in the mirror, saying I was destined for something. I’ve lost that girl, and I want the strength to find her.
I wish things were the way they used to be, secure and fun. I absolutely hate myself for being this weak. I don’t know how to let him go. I guess I’ll have to relearn how to break an addiction to a person. Tomorrow, that’s going to be required reading. I’ll have to read books on coping with divorce. Self help, here I come.
I’ve never been so devastated, but it could be worse. It could be divorce with a child and a house. I could be sick. I could find him with someone else. This is not the worst.
Ahem, this is what happens when you don’t learn to let things go. This is what comes from control. The above was a journal entry, written a year before I was married. In the margins of the entry, I added this: “It’s almost 5 years later and I still haven’t learned to let it go. Stephanie, you can’t control everything. If anything, you should realize this is what will set you free. Practice it now. Let go. It doesn’t matter if he calls, whoever he is, something, some power, will take care of you.”
I’m happy to report, that today, I cried when I read all of this. I cried while smiling. I’ve learned to let it go. The power that is taking care of me… is me. I’m strong and my dreams are coming true. I found the little girl in the mirror who believed in me. I love her.