let it go

Things have not improved whatsoever since last week.  The only added bonus is that I weigh 120.5 lbs.  Tomorrow I’ll be 124 lbs., though, because today things seemed okay.   My life has been turned up side down.  This has been so horrible.  I had the security of having a fiancé.  I felt good about wearing the engagement ring.  Because things have been so awful, I’ve been unable to be myself, the Stephanie he fell in love with.  Instead, especially tonight, I’ve been acting like a complete psychopath.  No doubt, I’d be committed if they came for me tonight.  So much has gone wrong over the past 3 weeks.  Nothing between us has been pleasant, and I hate fighting.  One fight is one thing, but this has been ongoing to the point where it feels like we are at the end of our relationship.  There’s nothing I can do about it.

He says he’ll stop with the lies, that he’ll communicate better, that he’ll talk about his stress.  Meanwhile, he said all of this to me honestly last week.  Since then, he has continued to lie to me, and he has told me that he’s nothing but confused.  It is just like high school.  We’re both upset.  We want to make it better, but then he picks a fight with me.  Then says he just picked the fight because he needs to be out of here for a while.  He says those words “confused” or “I’ve got to get away for a couple of days” and I turn into a begging child, screaming, pathetically.  Please, no, anything but that.  Please don’t let it come to that.  Then I say, “Fine.  You know where the door is.”  And, I try to act like it’s okay.  Inside, I’m dieing.  It’s the worst feeling in the world.  Then he sees how sad I am, feels guilty and says he’ll try to work it out with me.  I hate it.  I feel like I’m at the bottom of a rope, kicking, dangling at the bottom, trying not to tire, to fall.  At least I’m not fat.

Now we’re trying to have fun with the little time he does have, but it doesn’t work.  Any time I see him, I end up crying because he put me through all this.  Now I’m acting psycho.  So, I’ll try to go to sleep.

But, just this morning he talked about leaving; then I “convinced” him not to.  Then, we had seex, because I wanted him to feel happy and close.  Sounds like high school.  If I learned anything over the years it should have been how to walk or let him walk away.

I haven’t learned how to let go yet.  I hope I get there one day and remember I’m an individual.  Remember the days when I was younger and didn’t know to recognize any of my imperfections.  I would write “famous notes” when I was eight years old, looking in the mirror, saying I was destined for something.  I’ve lost that girl, and I want the strength to find her.

I wish things were the way they used to be, secure and fun.  I absolutely hate myself for being this weak.  I don’t know how to let him go.  I guess I’ll have to relearn how to break an addiction to a person.  Tomorrow, that’s going to be required reading.  I’ll have to read books on coping with divorce.  Self help, here I come. 

I’ve never been so devastated, but it could be worse.  It could be divorce with a child and a house.  I could be sick.  I could find him with someone else.  This is not the worst.

Ahem, this is what happens when you don’t learn to let things go.  This is what comes from control.  The above was a journal entry, written a year before I was married.  In the margins of the entry, I added this: “It’s almost 5 years later and I still haven’t learned to let it go.  Stephanie, you can’t control everything.  If anything, you should realize this is what will set you free.  Practice it now.  Let go.  It doesn’t matter if he calls, whoever he is, something, some power, will take care of you.”   

I’m happy to report, that today, I cried when I read all of this.  I cried while smiling.  I’ve learned to let it go.  The power that is taking care of me… is me.  I’m strong and my dreams are coming true.  I found the little girl in the mirror who believed in me.  I love her. 



  1. We always have the hammer, sometimes we just forget how to swing it.

  2. …oh and that's inspiring because I have Eye of the Tiger on the MP3 player, it came on while reading this. Honestly, I'm not poking fun. Despite the song's inherent cheese, it says all that needs to be said about success.

  3. Journals are wonderful, for letting you see how far you have come, and sometimes giving you the impetus you need to keep going. Not everyone should write a blog, but everyone should write a journal.

  4. Stephanie, a touching post. I was in a similar place three years ago. She finally left for the last time on Sept. 11, 2001. NOT a good day to end a marriage, but she did. So much of what you wrote before and after rang true. I still struggle from time to time with the letting go issue, not just with people but with places, careers, ect. . . Thank you for this post this morning as I head into work and continue to deal with lingering emotions surrounding a disappointing "dating" experience. Enjoy the fruits of your growth. It reminds me that pain can be a transformer not a destroyer.

  5. Steph- I'm truly happy for you. In fact, I'm usually pretty happy for anyone who's had to endure any hardship and is able to finally look back on said hardship and let it go. It's gratifying to be able to see just how far you've come, despite the good AND the bad, isn't it?

  6. It's so weird how when you are in the middle of a passionate relationship- nothing makes sense and you can't seem to force yourself to be rational.

    You know what you should do (your friends are all screaming at you to do it), you know it's not healthy, but the hardest thing to do is just let it go.

    It's like being stuck inside a tornado and you just kind of have to wait until things take their natural progression and wind down on their own.

  7. hey,

    i just wanted to say what an amazing inspiration you have been to those who have had their hearts broken (admittingly like me).


  8. >>He says he’ll stop with the lies, that he’ll communicate better, that he’ll talk about his stress. Meanwhile, he said all of this to me honestly last week. Since then, he has continued to lie to me, and he has told me that he’s nothing but confused.<<

    Sounds like someone you and I both know.

  9. My sister is currently learning to let go. She left her husband on New Year's Day.

    We were all worried she was going nutty from the stress – but now, with her new rental by the beach, and a sparkle in her eye (overshadowing the worry lines) – things sure are looking up.

    Is divorce the new marriage?

  10. It takes a special person to admit this uncertainty, and a specialer (that's right!) person to share it with the world. Every tear makes you stronger, dear.

  11. wow. You are really NOT a writer. your prose is flat and boring and your subject matter is…eh…I'm sure there are plenty who might enjoy it but it has been done much, much better.

    good luck to you – you suck.

  12. Why do people seem to feel happy after reading this. This is the most depressing thing I ever read. If you'd really let go then why do you still have this journal entry???
    I saved apology notes that I never gave to my girlfriend. Then I had sex with her after she broke my heart. I'm probably just passive aggressive, a man to avoid, but you'd never have sex with me anyway. So I'll tell you that I'm passive aggressive as a precursor to this:
    I'm sorry that it still hurts.

  13. it sounds like: you need to make a best friend who's an MFA graduate who still lives at home who's completely comfortable being that sexy gay best friend–who would, ehem, enjoy not being gay for you any day of the week…

    guys don't like intimacy–it's against everything that a guy is supposed to be, that's why we lie, you don't want to see our insecurities, you say you do (or not exactly "say," but you know what I mean) but you really don't.

    that would be against nature. and going against nature is just something that shouldn't even be attempted. and there are not enough Rolling Rocks in my room right now. fabulous.

  14. I have all my journals, all the "entries" since I was eight years old. Am I over not being able to wear make-up or shave my legs? Ah, yeah, but I still have the journal entry. And this post wasn't some exercise in writing, ass munch.

  15. "Dyin' flame, you're free again
    Who could love, and do that to you
    All dressed in black, he won't be coming back
    Save your tears
    You've got years and years"

  16. Let go letting it go. PS. You must have a lot of paper/files/clutter in your UES apt. You could throw all of it in the East River and really let it go, which would not be letting go of letting it go, but would also be acceptable to me.

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