over scallops

I insisted they get the scallops, but they wouldn’t listen to me.  I was only a food critic… oh, forever.  I only cook, always.  Don’t listen to me.  Order the cheese plate instead.  There’s no accounting for taste.  I have a love hate with "subjective." 

Over dinner tonight, we all discussed premature ejacculation.  Well, that’s what I called it.  They were talking about commitment between men and women.  Specifically, they were talking about investment opportunity.  Some men shoot "above the rim."  They believe they are doing really well for themselves.  When they second guess her, a little voice chimes in, "yeah, but she’s HOT."  The HOT is always allcaps because men are visual creatures.  These men try to "capture the flag."  They want to keep her, capture her, while they can, while she’s still interested.  So they propose marriage.  This happens all the time, actually.  She feels a little trapped because how can she say, "no?"  They have been dating long enough that it wouldn’t technically be frowned upon if she were to say yes… and saying "no" would end things right there… oooh, and right before the holidays? 

I was the guy in my marriage.  I wanted to capture what I mistakenly viewed as "above the rim."  His wanting me made me feel valued and important.  The blinders I wore weren’t mirrored; I saw only him–his mistakes and flaws lived in shadows.  I was goal-oriented and believed I was entitled.  I worked hard at everything in my life, so working hard at our relationship made me feel a sense of entitlement.  I deserved marriage… and the sickest bit in it?  I didn’t care if it was him.  I wanted what I wanted.  Men and women are not very different when we’re raised believing we can be anyone we want to be… including a wife or a husband.

Thank God I learned from that grave mistake.  From it, I learned we can’t control people.  There are absolutely no guarantees in life, aside from death–taxes are negotiable–and it’s not about what we deserve.  It’s about a good fit with someone who makes your heart sing… even if they don’t eat scallops.  Yum, more for me.



  1. So well said.

    I always felt that love is always different from everything else in life, and it's not something you work hard for the way you work hard for a degree or a job…since love isn't something you can control through efforts.

    So once again, aptly put.

  2. Beautiful. Maybe, though, some of us are incapable of finding The One, and are fated to wander around the desert, too timid to take on the Canaanites, and…I'm making no sense. But I'm happy every time you head out for the promised land, and I hope you're more capable than I of finding it.

  3. It seems…SEEMS…that your divorce and his betrayal has really rattled you. I may be reading it wrong (I've been reading your entries now for quite a few months), but somehow, someway the themes seem to connect back to the divorce/betrayal.

    I've looked upon such things in my life (divorce, betrayal, deaths of family or loved ones) as hurdles, some higher than others, which may or may not be conquered–depending on the "runner's" willingness.

    I hope you've conquered, or are in the process of scaling yours. Sometimes the familiar roads on which we love so much to travel, lead backwards and we find ourselves at the damn starting line over and over.

  4. Also, to kind of expand on Nick Douglas' comment on possibly never finding The One…remember Sisyphus. In the absurdity of his endless feat (perhaps comparable to the journey for The One), he found meaning.

  5. Death is relative to divorce and they are very similar. People always say the 'death and taxes' line, but when you are a divorcee, you feel something, someone, a part of you, has died. You feel empty, alone, hurt, sad, numb, confused, angry. Sometimes it's for the worse, most times it's for the better. Divorce doesn't necessarily make you happy (unless you have grown indifferent toward the other, which is far worse/deeper than hate), but it affords you the opportunity to BE HAPPY! I'm not saying that death of a loved one makes you happy later on of course but, take it from someone who knows it all first hand (death and divorce), if IT doesn't kill you, IT makes you stronger. Words to learn by, words to live by. More importantly however, one should LEARN from the past, and not LIVE in it.

    Great post…..keep on!

  6. I've seen my share, and felt my share, of betrayal. I've had relationships since my ex husband. None of those involved betrayal. It's not always about cheaters. I've been witness to many disappointments. That's what I'm afraid of. Disappointment. Keeping things in perspective helps prevent or at least retard disappointment.

  7. Yea, but…disappointment is part of life. It's as natural as life and death itself. It's inherent in critical-thinking creatures.

  8. Perhaps disappointment is just the universe's attempt at balance. It's too easy for me to say this as a spectator as there are many events in my own life that I still don't view in this way.

    Either way, your writing is as brilliant as always.

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