good guys finish last

You know how to touch my hair, pretend like you’re moving it out of the way, but then you grab my head by the base, and pull my hair hard enough for it not to be a misunderstanding. You make it clear, your seexuality and want for me. Lust. It’s clear you’re in control, and in that moment, with my heavy head cradled in your hand, we both know I’m about to give into it. But there’s a catch, ‘cause there’s always a catch. I have to know you mean it. Lust isn’t feigned, it’s not something you read and replicate. It’s raw and makes me thirsty. There’s nothing seexier than a man who can pull my hair and kiss like he means it. Women want to be controlled.

But then you tell me you’re just looking for a little fun. You don’t want anything serious. Friendship. Benefits.

I so don’t think so.

Nothing turns me off more, save for bad breath or weakness. Women want a strong confident man, borderline cokcy, who knows how to take control, throw us down, and mess it all up. Very together women, those of us who have our shite nailed down, we want a man who can throw us down and prove us wrong. And when we wake up, he gets us our fluffy coffee with a smile. Everyone wins, and that is what lasts. Why is it so hard to find?

It’s more than just seex; it’s control. I’m in control all the time, down to my timesheets, vacation schedule, friends, and free time. I do what I want, and I make it happen. And a powerful woman needs a man who’s unafraid. He’ll tell me to go up and change because he doesn’t like what I’m wearing, and if I go up to change (ahem, quite rare) I’ll expect he’ll open all the doors for me.  And if I don’t change, I’ll retort, "Don’t like what I’m wearing?  Good.  You can take it all off when we get home."  Then he’ll finger me in the car ride to our event. 

He can have plans that don’t involve me. Knock yourself out… have passions, interests, and friends that don’t interest me. But at the end of the day, know how to keep my attention… control me, pull my hair, fight for it, and kiss me like you mean it. Use your hands. I live in New York City. I don’t have closet space; there’s no room for shy. And women know when you’re faking it. We tell our friends the next day.  "God, it was the worst. He made the face. You know, the one where he’s trying to be passionate.” I shudder even typing it because it has happened one time too many.  Think white man’s overbite, or the one eyebrow raise he has practiced in his mirror.

Want to know the worst part? As a man, you can get all of that right.  Everything I just said.  Perfect.  Yet, if you tell me you’re "having fun," that you aren’t looking for "anything serious," or worse yet, tell me you think "we can be friends…" I won’t just pull my hair from your tight grip. I’ll mean it. And I won’t change my mind when I’m drunk, with your number on my phone. I’ve learned to believe people when they tell me things. It’s a lesson I’ve learned enough times.  And no amount of passion is worth sacrificing romance.  At the end of the day, I want a guy who can romance me but knows how to pull my hair and handle me.   

So for now, I’m on the watch for a man who gets it. Who knows how to handle me, but who is also looking for serious. “Serious passion,” while it might be characteristic of a redhead, only comes with serious intent. I’ve already lived a lifetime of “just having fun.” I have the rest of my life in a serious relationship for fun.

secretary movie


  1. Sounds a lot like funnel cake and celery, said differently. You don't do celery and you don't do funnel cake. Somewhere in between lies Mr. Right.

  2. Sounds a bit like a cross between a pussy and an abuser but not quite either. Interject a bit of bipolar vacillation between the two and perhaps you would have it… :)

    As much as looking for a guy that gets her strikes me as right, it won't be until the one comes along where she also gets him.

  3. Maybe he is just not that into you. you should read the "He's Just not into You" book. It helps girls from wasting energy coming up with reasons why guys dont appear to be intersted.


    I'm a woman and completely disagree. Fantasy versus reality, babe.

  5. This post and the subject matter of Kat's blog reminded me of the "upper east side" post from 3 months ago to the day. You are fortunate that unsuitable men reveal their true nature in the first few words that they share. No need to waste time.

    Men appreciate an honest woman and one who can handle rejection. Those qualities may even attract a man who would otherwise reject a woman. Confidence, security, and strength of character are appealing in either gender; inability to handle rejection and obsession are unappealing in either gender. As indicated by 'm,' while one may find another appealing, it is only half the story. For someone to be moved at a moonlit scenic overlook over the bay to spontaneously think for the first time and say that in another's eyelashes the arrows of Cupid's quiver can be found, that someone has to be paid first consciously or subconsciously with the very hard currency of character. Passion naturally arises when the net present value of the future dividends of character, shared joy, successes and responsibility perceived by each party are substantially congruent.

    The foregoing is especially true if one has misjudged a person in the past. Sometimes one thinks that one will save another the trouble of betting on one early in the race because one has so made up one's mind and knows that one will come back for the person after one has passed through the winner's circle. Keep your seat and don't trouble yourself with a wager might even have been said at one time.

  6. I swear to the God of bad relationship literature, if ONE MORE PERSON channels "He's Just Not Into You" I'm going to start book burning like it's WWII all over again. And I thought the whole "Men are From Mars" shit was bad.

    Every girl KNOWS when a guy isn't that into her. No matter what we say, we know. And just because we *know* doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be a little (or a lot) irrational about it until we get it sorted out in our heads. Jeez. Put down the god damn book and let yourself be a little unhinged. It won't fucking kill you.

  7. I'm so afraid that those broad statements that begin with "women want…" are going to serve as some sort of simplistic dating/relationship/'guide to women' thing for some poor men souls out there.

    From one control freak to another: this woman doesn't want other women speaking for her.

    Start your sentences with "_I_ want…" It sounds braver, too.

  8. This made me want to scream, "Yes! YES, totally."

    I'd easily choose the strong, authoritative man who would pick me up in one big arm and huck me on the bed, over one who was all politeness and tentative smiles.

    I am smart and tired; sometimes my head needs a cradle and I would like to be on the receiving end of direction.

    Brilliant post, whether you agree with the sentiment or not.

  9. Thank god for the person that created bacon, eggs, and cheese on a roll. Sorry for the digression… I didn't think I was typing and thought I was just thinking.

    If you don't give up some control, you will not find what you want. Love is a give and take. You cannot be in control 100% of the time. Now go change your clothes!

  10. I don't agree, Fish. Despite my curiosity, I've not read this book, but I can assure you, the thought of buying it for my ex girlfriend still crosses my mind.

    She (who shares the first name of our lovely blogstress) began to tell me how selfish, thoughtless, distant, and un-affectionate I was. It was because (you guessed it) I was . Then, when I broke up with her, she was totally devastated, said she was "blindsided" and couldn't understand why we were breaking up. Oh well, I guess denial is a bitch. There's a reason that book is a bestseller.

  11. …it was because (you guessed it) I was (insert THAT book title here).


  12. sounds like you want to be in a serious relationship with an asshole who holds doors and does errands for you. good luck with that.

  13. I read this blog for the metaphors it inspires: "Passion naturally arises when the net present value of the future dividends of character, shared joy, successes and responsibility perceived by each party are substantially congruent." I don't know about you guys, but when I think passion, I think, accounting. Adam, man, you're making me hot.

  14. That sentence from Adam's post, which Just Weighing In so deftly references, is so atrocious, it ought to be entered in the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest ( Good luck!

  15. well I dont think she's wrong saying "women want"…obviously we all know that she doesnt mean ALL women but being a woman….and having friends who are women…I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I just want to have fun" and then felt like "oh…"

  16. Stop attacking Adam. What many of you miss is it's a moment. Of course I sometimes want gentle, but overall, I, I, I probably want something other than what I think I want. That's why lists never work. You don't fuck a list.

  17. I can back-up SK's post here. It's not about some self-punishing secret need to be mistreated. It's about desire. It's about clothes-ripping passion. Hair pulling is sexy as hell. To me, the whole idea is rather old-fashioned, men are rugged and outwardly powerful, woman are soft and subtly powerful. For the poster asking about molds, here's the male ideal, at least for this woman. Take the show Lost. Jack is the husband I'd kill for: a hero, a doctor, a leader, someone to be admired, with a hint of complexity lurking beneath, oh, and handsome. Now throw in a little Sawyer in the sack….PERFECT.

  18. That was good Hugo! I have been meaning to visit your blog; thanks for the reminder.

    Thanks for the support Stephanie. I unfortunately didn't have time this morning to change my cold allusions to finance into something that is more 'nature heureux' and more appealing pour la femme. Finance has been on my mind. So what are you going to do, make me tile the ocean floor?

    Anyway, I could have written instead that a little honesty goes much further than a little decol…at eliciting passion, but another group would have been offended.

    I like Fish and her advice about the toxic bachelor's book. People should be allowed to be human. I haven't heard her laugh, and maybe never will but I can imagine her having an honest one. She's definitely destined for a very happy life. Hope things work out with the gentleman who passed the HK test among other tests.

    Anyway, I have to get back to the race because the sooner I am done the sooner I can reconnect with the person whom I saved the trouble of placing a bet and ironically is the one who caused the delays in our meeting. Even if she's taken by then and despite her 'cruelty' in subjecting me to delays, certain vows will still be kept; just don't let her know I am writing this now. It's supposed to be a surprise, and it will be (because she cannot get over past betrayals by others), even though I have said the above numerous times. Isn't it ironic that some are surprised later by what they already knew? Inability to trust does that to some people.

  19. One cannot please everyone with what one writes or says. It's just hard. Look at what Natalie Portman had to go through recently. You are doing the right thing by being true to yourself. Today's post was quite good and a refreshingly new perspective on your view of things.

  20. Adam! It's puff, puff, PASS! You keep hogging it like that and your next post will be about as coherent as a Bob Dylan song.

    …I joke I joke!


  21. I'm telling you…the Bulwer-Lytton fiction award awaits. And…no one's attacking Adam. I do believe he'd be in very fine company were he to win.

  22. Or sip, sip, GULP. I am just in a good mood, which I normally am, even though opening presents and smiling has made my hands and cheeks, respectively, sore.

  23. "So what are you going to do, make me tile the ocean floor" was not addressed to you SK but rather to my critics who do have a point. However, I doubt that I would get far in the B-L contest. "Go tile the ocean floor" is a 'Victorian' expression akin to…. "buzz off."

  24. I'm exceedingly curious about this topic. I've seen shades of it in your writing before and I've heard other women say it too. It seems to me though that what you're suggesting blows past reality, right by fantasy and ends up just irrational. Because if this is what every woman wants, where does that leave room for every kind of man who doesn't fit this fantasy mold? You're not asking for basics, like honesty or courtesy. You've created a very specific and idealized personality type that probably occurs in one out of every thousand males. Couple that with the likelihood of this 1000th man meeting you and also being interested in you specifically, an explanation for why dating in Manhattan can be so frustrating starts to emerge.

    So, I ask, is this a composite of romance novel ideals or someone you've frequently run into in the past?

  25. P.s
    I do like your writing and link your blog, so please don't consider the previous comment a personal attack.

  26. Yeah, I know. Send the one you like in. Add my name. If there's a monetary award you can claim it.

  27. Why do people post comments on blogs like this one?

    I am honestly trying to figure out the purpose. Since we're mainly limited to talking about the current post, is it a place to critique the writer? Is it just a graffitti wall for people to say "Totally! I agree!" or "Great Post!" or "This post wasn't as good as yesterday's post". Or is it to converse with other readers? Is it just a place to try to make a comment to the writer (isn't email better for that?)

    Do people actually read all of the comments in order? Do people go back to old posts to see if people made new comments on anything but the newest post?

    I know the point of SK's blog was an outlet for her writing and many others enjoy it so why not share. So if the writing is for her, who are the comments for? Her? other readers?

    My thoughts are that I'm not convinced comments on blogs make any sense. People don't want to have a discussion. They just want to make a little tag that says "I'm here, I read this blog". If you wanted to comment, you'd make your own blog and link to the post so others could read. If you wanted to discuss the topic with other people, this format isn't conducive. In addition, the writer has to delete offensive or spam comments because they somewhat "Dirty" up the site since they are listed right in line with the post for everyone to read.

    Anyone have any thoughts on this?

    Steph will probably post another essay in a day or two in which case no one will ever see this comment anyway.


  28. Bitterman, "a life without a wife, is like a kitchen without a knife;" hopefully, you realize that the simile does not mean that a wife's place is in the kitchen. It may be worthwhile to care what at least one woman who can play a significant role in your life wants. One hand 'clapping' can amuse the eye but does little to please the ear.

  29. I think areacode may have something here:

    "sounds like you want to be in a serious relationship with an asshole who holds doors and does errands for you. good luck with that."

    gotta say that sounds just about right from what you discribe SK, and M also has a very good point:

    "As much as looking for a guy that gets her strikes me as right, it won't be until the one comes along where she also gets him."

    The heat has to go both ways…some of your readers understand that.

  30. Life is not only about being married and marriage is not the key to life. If someone thinks that marriage alludes to happiness, then they are completely off base. Too often, people get married because they just want to be married. Divorce rates within the first year in this country are very high (I believe they are closing in on 50% or more), which indicates that many people are not making the right decision and jump into marriage.

    There are also people out there that always have to be in a relationship and they just can't be alone. Everyone of us has met someone like that. It conjures up thoughts that the person cannot survive on one's own. I think the quote that Adam used is a bad one as that describes just that.

    Ultimately, I think every individual hopes to find that one person…whether they marry or not really does not matter. Perfect example is Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. I'd bet that Kurt would say that his kitchen has a knife even though he and Goldie are not married.

  31. marriage is about commitment: lust, heat, and attraction can be had without a ring. And two lovers can have commitment with out marriage.

  32. Maybe it's a certain type of woman that wants SK's certain type of man. I've always had my ducks in a row; I'm ambitious, successful, and want EXACTLY the same type of thing that SK's talking about here.

    It's like the old adage "you always have to watch out for the quiet ones"; similarly, you have to watch out for the women who have control over their own shit. We want to take a break every now and then, and with our man IS when.

    I agree with the firm taunt of a fistful of hair, coupled with a delicate kiss and a passionate gaze full of things that will soon happen in the bedroom of which we will never speak. Go SK; keep up the telekinetic connection. :)

  33. do you really know what you want? You want a guy that is slightly arrogant, cocky, or shall we use your term confident. You want him to dress you, and control you sexually. Girlfriend, that kind of desire is fleeting, its great for 2 or 3 dates, how about when he tells you that you look fat in that dress, or he pulls your hair in that come hither, I want you now, and tells you, Babe, I'd love to see you as a blonde, you would look hot. Think about it, an asshole is what you are describing, not a guy that you could have a serious relationship with. Arrogance and confidence is great and sexy, but it is quite rare
    to find a guy who is genuinely sweet and kind.

  34. "He can have plans that don’t involve me"…that has to be one of the more frightening things that a female could ever say or think. I mean …we all see what YOU want…but do you ever stop to think what a guy may want. plans with a friend WITHOUT you is perfectly fine and normal. You're one scary female…i think you need some lithum or something to calm down.

  35. If one doesn't have anything constructive to write one should keep one's hands away from the keyboard. It's that simple. Imagine that your parents, children, wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, future karma, G_d, God, Higher Being, conscience … is watching you. In some sense this is a neighborhood, and people enjoy coming here, but some comments can make one's stomach turn or skin crawl. Be considerate and consider posting a comment after a day or two of reflection. It won't kill you.

  36. Great advice! I pulled my wife's hair and threw her on the bed after this. She was like, 'What the hell are you reading in there?'. I told her I was looking for something serious and that she better do the dishes. Naked.

    That shit actually worked!

  37. I disagree with the title of this post.

    My dad is a "good guy". He and my mom have been happily married 40 years. They've raised 3 kids who love them. They love their friends, their family, and their careers.

    If that's what you call "finishing last", it's a race I don't want to run.

  38. brando,

    I tried it, too!!! I thought I had memorized all the power moves from this post, but must've missed a step: I pulled her hair, she kicked me in the balls; I threw her on the bed, she threw the telephone at my head; I said I was looking for something serious, she gave me a serious concussion. When she asked me to open the door, who knew she'd push me out into the snow?? This morning, I made my own coffee… and I just finished doing the dishes, naked. Where did I go wrong??

    I just gotta make a list next time…

    All is not lost, however! Thanks to all that time I spent practicing to raise one eyebrow, I can now see around blind left-hand corners before I enter a room!

    Stephanie, great post. People, LIGHTEN UP!

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