didactic is sexy

Randomly I’ve been reunited in one form or another lately with ex-boyfriends.  I was writing a story about my summers at camp, when suddenly the character on my page was an ex, and I realized I wanted to know about him now… realized I really always liked him for him, just as he is.  So I pushed up my sleeves and called information.  Turns out you can’t look up a number without giving a town or origin (the state isn’t quite do-able).  I had to suck it up, throw back a sip of wine and, dare I say, call his father.  It turned out to be a lovely idea.  His father and I got on swimmingly.  Kisses and hugs, exchanged even over the phone.  Pointed in the direction of my ex friend and lover from high school.  That’s right, high school.  Adam James Lis and I always got on.  Friends first… always connected, always real.  And we picked up where we left off, baring our souls, sharing our most intimate secrets, as though no time at all had escaped us.  Like me, he’s figuring out who he is, was, and wants to be.  Change and the learning that comes with it is frightening, not sexy.

Eric Fink, I ran into him, the boy I lost my virginity to when I was 15.  I saw him as I was in the lobby at Pfizer.  I work in advertising, ready to present my ideas for their web site… and there, as sudden as a snap, I saw him, without hesitation.  I knew it was Eric.  Eric broke up with me after our two years, of what I thought was committed dating.  Monogamy.  Ah, no.  He hooked with my “friend” Carolyn Hiller.  My family always said he looked mousy; they called him “twinkle toes.”  I thought it was strange running into none other than Eric Fink two days after tracking down Adam Lis.  Eric really was my first real love.

Tonight I received a phone text message from my ex boyfriend from college.  I’ll leave his name out of this, in case his girlfriend stumbles my way.  That’s right.  Girlfriend.  He’s obviously confused.  Who can blame him?  I do rock.  The last time I saw him, he kissed me.  We were always friends, and we both wanted more, but we never got on in that way.

I know we all tend to look back with rose glasses, and we try our hardest to remember why it didn’t work, and lately, I’ve been really good at remembering exactly why.  Most of the men I was with, I was with them because of how much they loved me, because of how well they treated and adored me.  It’s certainly nice, but it’s not a grown up reason as to why to choose to be in a relationship.  It’s the act of an insecure child.  Now, I’m looking for someone whole.  Someone passionate who has things to teach.  Didactic is sexy.  I am sexy; I am didactic.  Looking for same, I’d say affirmative and eventually.



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