anxious ashley: after the final yawn

My email, sent moments ago, to my mother-in-law: I think she’ll pick JP. Ben, the winemaker, seems super nice, but I think she has always been crazy about JP. Though, in the long run, I think she’d be happier with Ben because he seems less dramatic, which would be a good balance for our nutcase Anxious Ashley. BTW, Bachelor Pad looks just as bad as last season. Which, naturally, means I’ll still watch it.

ashley chooses
Ashley Chooses

HOURS LATER: “After the Final Yawn” has wrapped things up. Ash is engaged to JP. I’ll admit it, I was talking to the TV, irritated. Because Ben seemed like the guy who could wade through the Ashley Fits. And JP seemed like a cauldron.

As soon as Ben stepped out of the helicopter, revealing to viewers that he was about to be rejected, I asked this completely irrational question: who would Ashley pine for if she couldn’t end up with either? And every time, it would be JP. If she couldn’t be with either man, I think she’d be “Get me to the White Horse Tavern to drown my sorrow” sad and crazy if she learned that JP had fallen in love with someone else. Ben, she’d shrug.


But is all that heart and passion and gut really the way to go? Let’s forget that Ben is a drip–a very nice drip, actually, I’d say he’s my own personal definition of milquetoast.

As Ben waiting on bended knee in what had to seem like forever, I couldn’t help but think of Sense & Sensibility. In Jane Austen’s novel, “the Ashley” (Marianne) ended up with “the Ben” by default, and we were left to believe that “the JP” suffered and regretted not ending up with her, but that she was ultimately much better off with “the Ben,” the safe, practical, long-lasting bet. The problem is the Ashley’s, Marianne’s, and Stephanie’s of the world would always pine for that passion, no matter how right, how arranged and sensible, their current life was. It’s why Marianne’s blog would be all angst-ridden and full of longing. Because life is short, and messy, and agonizingly delicious if you do it right.

On an unrelated note, I’m pretty sure I know JP. Like, I think we hung out a few times in high school. Not hooking up, hanging out, in a group at Hillary Cohen’s house. I need to consult with the Hills on this one.



  1. According to Reality Steve she picks JP. I can’t wait to watch Bachelor Pad with Jake and Vienna!! Should be interesting…

  2. ditto. agreed. i’m more team ben, but only by a little bit. jp is undoubtedly handsome and suave, but he seems a little dramatic and i didn’t love how he got all jealous of her on other dates with the other guys. as though that’s not the premise of the entire show? ben, i like him… the wine, the hair… he does it for me. but yeah. she’ll pick jp.

  3. I KNEW that she was going to pick JP, if only because Ben was so confident and gung ho to propose and spend the rest of his life with her. The thing that really pissed me off was that she LET him get down on one knee. She should have interrupted him, seriously.

    1. i agree! i know she tried to cut him off at the beginning…but once he kept going on and on, and THEN STARTED TO GET DOWN ON HIS KNEE, she should have stopped him. now he’ll always think back to the time he proposed and got a no. i was so rooting for him…

    2. I agree. The look on her face said it before she opened her mouth yet she let him get down on his knee. It really pissed me off because the show is humiliating enough. I couldn’t watch it.

  4. Was anyone else team Ames?? I LOVED him. Weird, smart, strangely hot?

    Ashley is a hot mess, and it literally pains me to listen to her. Yet I continue to tune in, week after week. Which, I think solidifies the fact that I’m also a hot mess.

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