I’m sure it’s a Mars and Venus in the Bedroom thing (Yes, I’ve read this book). Or written in some 1001 Ways To Be Romantic book: a tip for men, to help them understand woman. Something like, "If she wears white to bed, it means she wants tenderness. She wants to make luv and be treated like a goddess. But if she wears black to bed, it means she wants to be spanked."

Okay, I had to google it. In John Gray’s book (noted above), he writes:

When she wears white silky satin, she signals that she would like sensitive, gentle, and loving sex. It is as though she wants him to go slowly and be tenderly affectionate with her. 

Whereas "a revealing silky black outfit says she knows what she wants: not only does she want sex but she longs for it."

I wasn’t so far off. Admittedly, there are some racist undertones here: suggesting that white is "good and innocent," whereas black is "bad." But if we’re to accept such analysis–inappropriate racial undertones aside–to assume that when a woman slips on a black lace bra she wants to be gang raped (or at least talked through a fantasy gang bang), and when she forgoes the pasties for a white mesh frock, (perhaps with a "something blue" ribbon strategically placed a la Margaret of Are You There God fame) it means she wants to be treated like the french manicured, Guys & Dolls – loving, priss that she wants your mother to believe she is, then I ask you this: what does a woman hope to imply (or even subconsciously signal) when she climbs into bed with clothes "a la mode?"

With this logic in mind, it would follow that if a woman comes to bed naked, all bets are off. It means she’s up for anything, that she wants it so bad, she wants to skip all the foreplay.

Well, I’m here to say: it just ain’t so. If a woman comes to bed naked it means she feels too fat for all her lingerie, so put that rig in reverse and back the truck up.

A YEAR AGO: Performance Anxiety
2 YEARS AGO: I Loved Fat Camp, Even Though It Fucked Me Up But Good
3 YEARS AGO: Dropping An Eaves
5 YEARS AGO: Beautiful Girls