when you’re in the mood: clothes a la mode

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I’m sure it’s a Mars and Venus in the Bedroom thing (Yes, I’ve read this book). Or written in some 1001 Ways To Be Romantic book: a tip for men, to help them understand woman. Something like, "If she wears white to bed, it means she wants tenderness. She wants to make luv and be treated like a goddess. But if she wears black to bed, it means she wants to be spanked."

Okay, I had to google it. In John Gray’s book (noted above), he writes:

When she wears white silky satin, she signals that she would like sensitive, gentle, and loving sex. It is as though she wants him to go slowly and be tenderly affectionate with her. 

Whereas "a revealing silky black outfit says she knows what she wants: not only does she want sex but she longs for it."

I wasn’t so far off. Admittedly, there are some racist undertones here: suggesting that white is "good and innocent," whereas black is "bad." But if we’re to accept such analysis–inappropriate racial undertones aside–to assume that when a woman slips on a black lace bra she wants to be gang raped (or at least talked through a fantasy gang bang), and when she forgoes the pasties for a white mesh frock, (perhaps with a "something blue" ribbon strategically placed a la Margaret of Are You There God fame) it means she wants to be treated like the french manicured, Guys & Dolls – loving, priss that she wants your mother to believe she is, then I ask you this: what does a woman hope to imply (or even subconsciously signal) when she climbs into bed with clothes "a la mode?"

With this logic in mind, it would follow that if a woman comes to bed naked, all bets are off. It means she’s up for anything, that she wants it so bad, she wants to skip all the foreplay.

Well, I’m here to say: it just ain’t so. If a woman comes to bed naked it means she feels too fat for all her lingerie, so put that rig in reverse and back the truck up.

A YEAR AGO: Performance Anxiety
2 YEARS AGO: I Loved Fat Camp, Even Though It Fucked Me Up But Good
3 YEARS AGO: Dropping An Eaves
5 YEARS AGO: Beautiful Girls



  1. Racist undertones? That's kind of stretching it, dont you think?
    I mean most of those books who go by that silly philosophy say black OR red for feeling sexy.
    Wonder what pink means.

  2. I just stumbled across your blog. I am totally enjoying what I have read so far. And can I say hiliarous on clothes a la mode!

  3. I have been reading your blog for 2 years… I have read both of your books and enjoyed them very much!
    This post made me laugh out loud!
    Thanks for doing what you do!

  4. "something blue" ribbon strategically placed a la Margaret of Are You There God fame….

    Ransacking my brain and coming up empty. Margaret went brashopping in a blue dress and wore a blue velvet dress to Norman Fishbein's party, but blanking on blue ribbon. Though I believe publisher updated certain parts of book (which pisses me off no end), so maybe my original 1970 copy is no longer accurate.

  5. My best friend sent me this the other day.

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

    The girl said: 'NO!'

    And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up in her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End

  6. John Gray gives me the creeps. Anyway you're too smart to read him:)
    He peddled love advice yet divorced Barbara DeAngelis (who has been married at least 5 times) so consider the source: none of us are that perfect.
    John Gray and Barbara De Angelis both claim to have a Ph.D.
    Found on the web:

    Their alma mater is Columbia Pacific University. In 1997 Rubin Asher, a deputy assistant attorney general for the state of California, called Columbia Pacific University a “complete scam” and a “diploma mill” offering degrees which are “worthless.” Rubin said Columbia Pacific University “has been preying on California consumers.”

    On February 21, 2001, a California judge denied further appeals, entered a final judgment, and ordered Columbia Pacific University to pay civil fines and permanently shut down. (John Gray also says he has an undergraduate and a master's degree from a meditation organization in Switzerland.)

    And I'd say going to be nekkid means you are too tired, or it's so hot even with the A/C on you can't be bothered. It also depends how long you've been married. With us it's been 5 years and we just ask the other if they're game and skip the smoke signals:) I think that could classify us as lazy.

  7. I'm pretty sure white was "good" and black was "evil" in both eastern and western philosophies long before any of those cultures ever laid eyes on a black person.

  8. I say going to bed a la mode can mean something OR nothing. I sleep with no clothes on on a nightly basis and all it REALLY means as far as my husband is concerned is that I hate sleeping with anything on. Unless I'm throwing out obvious signals that it is a boogie night, he just knows he has to test the waters.

  9. Your logic is off. I go to bed naked every night, because I've always loved sleeping naked. I don't even own pajamas.

    And I agree with Julie. The racist undertone thing is stretching it.

  10. i think it's interesting slash ridonkulous that you mention racist undertones re the color of lingerie but think nothing of allusions to gang rape or a fantasy gang bang. awesome. i know there's a wide spectrum of fantasy and that's great – but it's like you have no sensitivity to sexual violence or its undertones. it's weird. it makes some of your writing jarring. and tacky.

  11. Off topic-
    I love your posts about LOST. I need to know-Do you watch In Treatment?
    If so-please post your thoughts.
    If not it is a GREAT show and I know you would enjoy it…
    A Loyal Fan..

  12. LMAO – this post is too funny. The only night I wore white to bed was my wedding night. Neither of us were in the mood for sensitive and gentle… blame it on the booze, not the lingerie (that's what I'll blame it on).

  13. I don't really think the racist undertone thing is stretching it, just for the record. We talked about just that in my sociology class the other day, though, to be fair, not as it pertained to lingerie.

  14. I don't think you know what you are talking about. I agree that the racial undertones thing is stretching it a bit, and you obviously have no sensitivity toward sexual violence. I guess you were just trying to get attention, but don't have very good taste. Your post reeks of trying too hard.

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