"I want to ride you like a pony at a freak show."
1. I don’t really like you. I just want you to: read my blog, link to my blog, see my one-woman-show, invite me to that party that no one gets invites to, rent my straight-to-DVD movie, read my book, tell your friends about me, pay for my dinner, tell me flattering things to help me get over him.
2. No, it’s true: parents really do have favorites.
3. I don’t wash my hands after making in the bathroom at the movie theater. I just run the water. Pleasure to meet you though.
4. When I have a hard time falling asleep, I imagine I’m lying beside him.
5. I only like you because you pay me to.
6. I watch: The Hills, The City, Real Housewives of Any County
7. I read the Cliff’s Notes instead.
8. I actually liked "Walk In The Clouds."
9. Incest turns me on.
10. Nope, it’s your ass that makes your ass look fat.
11. I’m totally not listening to you right now.
12. Everyone in my life knows what a total psycho you are.
13. I bought Hootie & The Blowfish’s second album.
14. If you ever die, I’m going to marry her.
15. When you’re away on vacation, I have phone sex with someone else.
16. I would never give you the big piece.
17. I totally love the smell of my own… anything.
18. really think you’re ugly. You’re nice enough inside, but you’re ugly.
19. I know you let me get away with all I do because you really fear you’ll never do better than me.
20. People who name their daughter "Tammy" must have a missing or extra chromosome.
21. The bridesmaid dresses you picked were absolutely hideous, and the amount of times you gloated that you wouldn’t torture your friends with "hideous" is the amount of suffering everyone endured for you.
22. I don’t think your marriage will last.
23. Your husband is gay.
24. Your husband hit on me.
25. Your husband is cheating on you.
26. I have never liked your smell. It’s why I always try to buy you a new scent.
27. When I woke up with night tremors, it happened because I imagined you became your mother.
28. You totally fooled me, and I never should have said, YES.
29. I can’t feel it.
30. I don’t see us lasting.
31. I hope our kids take after me.
32. You bore me. You’ve always bored me, me and everyone else. People like you because you let them be themselves, not because they like you or anything you have to say.
33. I wouldn’t be with you if you made less money.
34. I wouldn’t be with you if you were, or if you get, fat.
35. When we’re together, I try to think of it as temporary.
36. Well, you’re actually a rebound, too.
37. I "once, twice, three" shoot our future, and when I get that we have one, I do best out of three.
A YEAR AGO: Upside Down
4 YEARS AGO: Thank You
5 YEARS AGO: Bellevue
