blueberry fools

2710636010 6070701ab3

The wasband used to speak to his friends about the women they were dating. "Yeah, she’s great, but she may have an eating disorder."
"All the better," I remember him saying.
"Yeah, no kidding. Total bonus."

I remember self-consciously pulling at my shirt. I hated what they were getting at. I hated that "thin psycho" trumped "fat self-confidence" any day and twice on Sundays. I was thin at the time.

They say anorexics are capable of preparing meals for loved ones without actually sampling, or even enjoying, the food themselves. It’s the ultimate in control, being able to handle, squeeze, stir, even breathe its steam without a mere lick. I decided yesterday I was going to start eating healthier again. Moving more. Now that I’ve handed in the pilot, and it’s out of my control what happens from here, why not control what I can? My own body for starters. So what did I do first thing today? Get on the elliptical? Our treadmill? Phone it in with the Shred? No. I made smitten’s blueberry crumb bars. I diced two sticks of butter, and squeezed them with both hands into a cake flour splenda mixture. I love the feel of cold sifted flour, the idea of it rising in a cloud under the hands of a grandmother, on a wooden pastry board. I’m in love with kitchens and all they mother. I’ll dispel the rumors now. Nope. Not anorexic. Nor am I the type to follow that statement up with "I wish." Because I don’t.

I feel disconnected from my body. For the past few months, yes months! I’ve been sitting in my PJs writing and re-writing about thirty different versions (at least) of a script, and in doing so, I haven’t left the sofa, or this house. So I don’t feel my body, or anything, other than tired and worn out. From doing everything and nothing all at once. And it’s so easy to fix. I think it comes down to simple things: stretching, heart-pounding walks, drinking really cold water and feeling it go down. I haven’t been paying attention.

When I was going through my divorce, or even the agony of dating again, I remember thinking, "this is torture, but at least I’m thin." This time, I’ve put all my time and energy into a project that may or may not go anywhere, and I’m too fat for my fat pants. Seriously. I had to go out and buy new ones a few weeks ago, and now they’re tight. So it stops here. I’ll eat one crumb bar tonight after dinner, but the rest are going to my neighbors, to Norma, to the taters, and to the Phil. Or, I’ll just freeze them, wrapping each out individually in wax paper. This will lead to my eating frozen blueberry crumb bars. OR… I’ll become a food writer.

TWO YEARS AGO: On having favorites when it comes to my children
THREE YEARS AGO: Meyers Briggs
FOUR YEARS AGO: On being Narcissistic
FIVE YEARS AGO: Photography: Hasidim Heaven



  1. "Total bonus."

    What?! Are you freaking kidding me?
    What the hell is wrong with (some) men?

    Anyway congrats on the Pilot being in, and good luck. I recommend pilates, mainly because it can be done lying down. Videos are easily found on youtube.

  2. Good for you. It will feel good to get moving again. The little girl scout on my street dropped off the cookies I ordered the day after I started my diet. I stashed them way in the back of the freezer so I don't see them. But I know they are. I've refrained for a week but if I have a really bad day, I just might eat a box of thin mints in one sitting.

  3. Stephanie, I love your blog, I read it all the time, re read it. There was a post a while ago and it was a letter your wrote to yourself after a break up (I think after your divorce) and it was hard for me to read simply because of the raw truth and how it paralelled my own situation. I can't find it now! I was wondering if it's still on the website or if you took it off. Let it be known i've spent about 5 hrs searching through posts, and reading some that I haven't read in your archives.

    Thank you!

    FROM SK: I'm sorry, I'm not sure which post it is. It might help to look for it under the category: BREAKUPS & BREAKTHROUGHS

    Or you could mean: advice is what you want when you already know the answer

  4. Funny about 2 sticks of butter and splenda. :)
    It's like having a huge burger and then diet coke.
    BTW, Splenda is not at all healthy.. Try Stevia or Agave Syrup instead, they are both very sweet but without the chemicals. And, unlike sugar or Splenda, they do not cause more sugar cravings.
    Just a little tip for making small changes for healthy eating.

    FROM SK: But you can't bake with Agave. I use agave syrup when I can, but you can't use it to bake, can you?

  5. I'm sure you weren't seriously contemplating it, but I think you'd be an extraordinary culinary blogger because it's clear to me that you enjoy creating wonderful food. (Note that this is meant as a compliment.) You'd even have the added bonus of being able to do justice to your words with the photos you could take of the finished products. I might be in the minority, but I'd sign up for daily updates!

  6. Ya know, I feel bad I never responded to that email you sent me, just so you know. And when I read it, I thought, THIS is what I love about her. SPLAT. Here it is, take it or leave it, and fuck you if you don't like it because it's the only way I know how to be.

    Anyway, I've always said it but I'll reiterate it here, and I do realize you're not looking for this confirmation from me or anyone else for that matter, but you are a very strong cookie.

    If you want to drop weight, get in shape, feel better (physically) I have no doubt you will do just that. I know you hate to exercise but it can be quite cathartic, and as strong as I believe you are, I think you can be even stronger not just in mind but in body as well.
    Good luck with the pilot and remember if it falls through or if it succeeds beyond anything you imagined, it cannot change you as a writer. You have a novelty to your work many lack, and that will always carry you through, and is what has made you the successful writer you are today.

    And fuck the haters. :)

  7. I'm about a quarter Greek and I have to admit my genes are showing! The hips are widening, the tummy is softening, and the fat pants are tightening. I find myself surrounded in US Weekly mags, People, and anything else I can get my hands on so I can stare at the skinny celebs and give myself motivation to do something about it!

    No more fat genes or fat jeans. By the summer I want to be comfortable in my skin! I have officially switched from regular ice cream to low fat and given up french fries. BLECK. But hey…it's a start.

  8. One day I hope to say "I handed in the pilot…" Stop making blueberry thingies unless it's a bowl of fresh blueberries. Now here's a treat that I actually look forward to after dinner:

    1 cup Jello double chocolate 60 cal pudding (yeah, heard about the Splenda of death; thx for heads up)

    about 10 Keebler graham Bug Bites or 2 finger crumbled sheets of graham crackers.

    4-5 canned peach slices (unless you live near fresh winter peaches, in which case use 1/2 of one) from can of no sugar added/pear juice packed peach slices, each slice cut in half.

    Presto yummo! It's sweet, full of textures and flavors and maybe 150 cals.

  9. Thank you for posting this. I have been feeling the same way, and there is nothing worse (obviously exaggerating here) than when your fat pants get too tight! I just joined weight watchers so I'm hoping that will help. You've been under a lot of stress so it's understandable that you're eating more than usual.

  10. Another healthy yummy, if you're interested:

    (omit the white sugar, add 2 tbsp. lemon juice, and use raspberry sugar-free or "all fruit" preserves. I think it's much better that way)

    The cinnamon chips are divine, but I often just eat the fruit with a spoon. It's great alone, on light ice cream, in yogurt, in oatmeal, on cereal, you name it.

    Good luck. I'm starting to buckle down healthwise myself and it's been a bear. Even he word "buckle" just reminded me of your blueberry yums and "bear" reminds me of gummies.

  11. I really hope you aren't feeding splenda to your kids – see, for example
    honestly, the best way to eat healthily is to eat all natural – no artificial sweeteners; etc. you can bake with agave or with honey if you want to avoid sugar

  12. About the Agave, you actually can use it to bake it's just a little bit tricky at first because it's sweeter than sugar and it is liquid which changes the consistency of your recipe. These are the instructions I have for baking:

    Cakes: One-half of the sugar in a cake recipe can be replaced with agave. For every 1 cup of sugar replaced, leave out 1/4 cup of liquid.

    Cookies: The amount of sugar that can be replaced with agave varies with the kind of cookie being made. For brownies, half of the sugar can be replaced with Agave Nectar. For fruit bars, agave can replace two-thirds of the sugar called for in the recipe. Only one-third of the sugar can be replaced in gingersnaps.

    When making either cakes or cookies, first mix the agave with the fat or the liquid. Then mix it thoroughly with the other ingredients. If this is not done, a soggy layer will form on the top of the baked product.

    Products made with agave brown faster than foods made with other sweeteners. So when you bake products made with agave, set the oven temperature 25 degrees F lower than what is indicated in the recipe.

  13. Hey Stephanie, I haven't tried baking with agave, but I just googled it – looks doable.
    You can also try Stevia.

    Finally, here is a truly sugar-free treat; super easy, too!

    No-Bake Apple Pie
    No gluten, sugar, or dairy!

    Prepare as a pie (use a pie tin or a shallow bowl) or as individual “cupcakes” (use cupcake papers lined with aluminum foil)

    It is composed of 4 layers
    1) For the crust:
    1.5 cups walnuts
    ¾ cups raisins

    Place walnuts and raisins in the food processor; process until the mixture turns into a paste.

    Transfer to the pie tin/bowl, or individual cupcake papers to form the “crust,” approximately ½ inch thick.

    2) For the apple filling:
    3 apples, peeled, cored, and sliced
    5-6 pitted dates
    ½ teaspoon cinnamon

    Place all 3 ingredients in the food processor, to the consistency of apple sauce.

    Spoon the apple filling over the crust

    3) For the apple layer:
    2 apples, peeled, cored, and sliced
    ¼ teaspoon cinnamon
    3 teaspoons lemon juice

    Use the food processor for a few seconds to coarsely chop the apples with cinnamon and lemon juice.

    Spoon the apples over the filling

    4) For the top layer:
    1/2 cup chopped walnuts
    ¼ cup unsweetened shredded coconut

    Mix the coconut with the walnut. Sprinkle the mixture over the top layer.

    Chill in refrigerator for at least 2 hours. The dessert becomes more flavorful the longer it is refrigerated! Enjoy!

  14. In addition to the walking, two words: South Beach. Seriously, it's the easiest diet in the world. You'll meet with success, never be hungry, see results in your mid-section within a week, and won't have to stick to their recipes as long as you know the principles.

  15. Ha – no one who can see would ever think you are anorexic. It is unbelievable that you actually think that. Your size 12 ass is not in denial, even if your brain is.

  16. sdf, I'm nobody to defend Stephanie to people who criticize her, but what you've said isn't just ugly to Stephanie.. it's astoundingly insensitive to people who struggle with anorexia. Way to use a destructive, addictive, killing disorder to poke fun at someone. Your comment is just as revolting as the conversation Stephanie quoted at the beginning of this post.

  17. All food advice aside, what happens now that the pilot is submitted? How long of a process is it from your hands to the next? I find this all very interesting and am excited for you and for all of us who will be watching. Do you have any input in the casting?

    FROM SK: Answering this in my post tomorrow. I'm still waiting to hear. If the show is ordered to pilot, then we begin casting, which yes, I do have some say in. It's so hard to get to that point, so I honestly don't know. I HOPE it happens. Of course I do. But it's out of my hands right now. I don't know when I'll hear. This week? Next? Not quite sure. My agent at CAA knows a lot more than I do. I'd call, but really, what's the point? It won't change the outcome.

  18. sdf – What is so big about a size 12 ass? Learn to read. Stephanie did not say that she is anorexic.

  19. SDF- Learn sarcasm. "I'll dispel the rumors now. Nope. Not anorexic." By adding "I'll dispel the rumors now," Stephanie is clearly poking fun at herself because she knows there are no such rumors. She was being self-deprecating and didn't need you to do it for her. You might want to work on your reading comprehension.

  20. I don't feel so alone after reading this post…I thought I was the only one stuck home for work (I am in my last year of med studies)-for the past weeks I have been sitting at my desk while all weathers passed by the window. Today when I left the apartment, I found snow.

  21. All my life I lived thinking on the future and that day when I will fit into my skinny jeans and would enjoy shopping for clothes. I guess it's that mental blanket we have that breakups are easier to handle when you feel comfortable in your skin? You feel you have one less thing to work on during the process? Just recently I learned to just truly enjoy my body and enjoy what I wear today…

  22. I SO know that feeling of thinking it's better to be anorexic and thin than fat and self confident. God. I feel like men think that all the time. Then I remind myself that even if that may be true–do I really want to be with a person that thinks that?

  23. Have you read "The Four Day Win" by Martha Beck? I like her other books. So, when I heard she wrote one on weight loss, I got it for someone who needs to lose weight. Her approach involves finding ways to work with the parts of yourself that resist losing weight, rather than trying to beat them into submission (which is doomed to fail).

  24. I got to this recipe by searching Bing. I have to say that this looks enticing. Thanks for taking your time submitting this!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.