only fair


I was drinking a wine flight the other night, out at an actual restaurant (Trulucks), thanks to my very helpful in-laws.  I was surprised, and delighted, to see how helpful they’ve actually been, from cleaning dishes to cooking, but much more than that, hanging (and shopping for) blinds, building us a swing for our porch, and dealing with all the feedings and crying and diapers, to the point where Phil and I were actually able to go out, alone.  And in being out, and after a glass of wine, I admitted something to Phil. 
"All this time, I’ve loved Abigail a little more."
"What?  I can’t help it.  She has red hair and is a girl, and she’s such a little actress, and… well the point is, now I think I like Lucas more."
"You’re not allowed to have favorites."
"It’s more like having moods, not favorites really.  Sometimes I can appreciate Lucas more than I appreciate Abigail."
"Keep drinking."
"No, no.  I know this sounds bad and all wrong.  Of course I love them equally, but it has taken me a while to appreciate what a little bean lover Lucas is.  Besides, he’s good at breastfeeding.  She kind of wants to take me out back and kick the shit out of me."  So for the record, since I posted so many photos of Mr. Lucas the other day, well, it’s my girl’s turn. 

View her photos here (scroll down for the latest) >>

And since there are always questions about my photography: I used my Nikon D100 with a 105mm Macro lens.  I used manual focus and also shot in both manual and aperture-priority modes.  As for how I created this particular collage, it’s an action found inside Photoshop.



  1. Seeing each child as an individual with his or her own traits is probably the best gift you can give a twin. I would keep a close eye on your in-laws. There are new mothers everywhere who would grab them right off the front porch. I know I would have. BTW, your babies are just scrumptious.

  2. I totally get your "moods." While you obivously love both children intensely, you inevitably relate to each one in a unique way. One baby's antics may suit you at certain times better than the others. In the end, their good and bad traits will balance each other out, but not before enriching your life tremendously.

  3. Well, I think YOUR children are equally as cute. BUT as someone who is her daddy's favorite, and her sisters' and mother know it. I must say you can have favorites, and you keep this post in mind to show Phil when she's dancing on his shoes and Lucas is rolling in mud being a little terror! :-) The love will always be equal but there are always days one can shine above the others.

    Oh the times I've been told to "keep drinking." You (and Phil) make me laugh!

  4. They are both looking so beautiful, i am so glad you guys had a chance to go out together away from the kids for just a moment, that's nice. I'm glad they are doing well,, kiss them for me!

  5. A) They're both gorgeous babies, and B) Don't they both have red hair?

    You really lucked out w/ your in-laws being so helpful. What a treat for you and Phil to go out on an actual date now that the babies are home. I loved the "keep drinking" line. Too funny.

  6. the nice thing about having a boy and a girl is when they get older and complain that you like the other one better, you can say "but you're my favorite daughter" or "you're my favorite son".
    Hours of amusement will ensue later when they're bickering and you can claim to like one better than the other dependant on the time or day of the week. Ah, a nice reminder of the perks of my darling children – thanks!

  7. As much fun as you will have with Abigail (beautiful name by the way, especially when pronounced in spanish hehe), you will always have a special bond with your son. I only speak from experience (as a daughter). My mother has always spoiled me and loved to dress me up and do my hair, but her love for my brother is very different to the point where she gets jealous if he has a girlfriend (too bad for him). It's alright though now that I'm older and blame it all on the Oedipus Complex…I'll always be daddy's little girl anyway as I'm sure so will Abigail.

    Maybe it's because a mother will always see her son as the perfect man? Well, anyway. I love the pictures and they are growing up so fast and so beautiful. I wish you the best.

  8. I actually could tell from your posts you were favoring Abby and struggling with that. Glad you came clean with yourself, and are getting over it. Mr. Magoos need love too!!

  9. One of my closest friends has a beautiful daughter, and when she was carrying her son, she said that she would always love her daughter more because she is a girl. Once her son was born, though, she was completely smitten. He's a total momma's boy. She loves her children equally, but I think she feels closer to her son sometimes. It doesn't help that her daughter is very similar to her…so they tend to butt heads. However, her daughter will always be "her little princess". I've always thought that I would never have favorites, and I couldn't understand those people who say they do favor one child over another. Who knows though. I have heard that all preconceived notions tend to go out the window once you actually have children. I think as long as you treat your children equally and show them the same amount of love, that's all that really matters.

  10. I think this is another of those topics that mothers don't like to discuss at playdates unless they're with old friends and somebody else says it first. I have two daughters and while my love for both of them is pure and unconditional, sometimes I feel myself not liking them very much. And then I get over it. Find yourself a bunch of mummy-friends whom you feel comfortable with and you'll be amazed to discover, over and over again, that your deepest darkest secrets and fears are universal truths.

  11. I feel closer to each of my kids at different times and for different reasons. I remember feeling closer to one of my twins in the beginning, she breastfed like a champ while the other seemed to prefer the bottle, sniff.. Ancient history now.

    Sounds like your In-Laws are awesome!

  12. Honestly, while I'm sure people here would give you shit if you posted about one kid and didn't post about the other, I think in your real life, you'll freaking die from the efforts if you're always scrambling to make sure you give one what you gave the other.

    May I suggest you just do whatever strikes you at the moment and only worry about what your kids think? My brother and I are very close in age and to nip competition/comparing in the bud, my mother would always point out that she does what's best for each child. And if that means 6 after school activities for one kid and 4 for the other, that was fine with her.

    That's how it wound up that my brother had a big fancy reception at Crest Hollow Country Club for his bar mitzvah, and I just had a fancy dinner. That's how my parents paid for my brother to go away to college for four years, while I went to community college and lived at home. I have no jealousy towards my brother for those things – we got what was best for each of us at the times in our lives that those issues came up.

    Having said that, my brother is very clearly my mother's favorite. To this day she always takes his side if he and I are having even the slightest disagreement, and it took until we were in our late 20's to learn to ignore her and push her out of our relationship.

  13. But that's how motherhood and love are!!! Its a wonderful, rich experience like no other. You're always smitten when they're born, but then comes the deliciousness of falling in love with them over and over again as they grow into people. You may find there are times of not liking them very much, too, but it passes and that heady love comes roaring back even stronger. And yes, guilt is simply part of it. My middle child, who was SUCH a difficult toddler/youngster (there were many days that I swore he must have been switched in the hospital!), has now become the highlight of my day. I just want to eat him up! I even find myself checking out the clock in anticipation of when the bus arrives! And, my youngest and only daughter, who just by looking at her would break me into ear-to-ear grins, is now becoming an independent little girl and recently started to try to sneak stuff by me (you know, like the unapproved shirt in the backpack trick!!!). I am almost beside myself thinking "she, my precious darling sunshine angel of a child" could be doing this! Then there's my oldest, who is suddenly a teenager and growing into the most beautiful, strong, loving, smart & sensitive young man. But, it seriously feels like yesterday when he was a little tow-headed 4 yr old proudly wearing all red because he proclaimed himself to be the element fire that day. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I turn the corner of a room expecting to see their former younger selves and half-startle when I realize that image is a more than a few years old. It's like when my sweet kitty passed away–I swore for months that I saw her walking by in the corner of my eye! So, prepare to enjoy the range of emotions motherhood brings, to the fullest. It goes by far too quickly…….

  14. They're looking so healthy and strong. Not to mention beautiful. I haven't been stopping by – too busy – but wanted to say how truly thrilled i am for you! Congratulations on a truly beautiful family.

  15. i am de-lurking to say this: your sincerity and the raw emotion in your blog is so beautiful and so comforting. i look forward to reading more about you and the beans :)

  16. i recently overheard my mom telling a friend about me and my own siblings (now all practically adults) "i love my girls because they will always be my friends, there to talk to. i love having my son, because he will always love his mom" it was so touching to know that she appreciated all 3 of us equallly, but for different reasons.

  17. i had been meaning to ask that question in a comment but it didn't feel right. to tell you the truth from the way you were writing I thought Lucas was totally your "favorite" even though Abigail was the daughter you hoped for. It's wierd and though I only have one child so I can't REALLY relate,I still can. it's just like you love both your parents but you have a favorite because of the way they act not the way you love them.

  18. This post made me cry. Seriously. My mom is coming to visit me (Austin to Boston) in a couple weeks and I'm so excited.

  19. Gosh she sure is cute. But that expression says "I´m scared shitless". For a baby mama that is probably good, less diaper duty :)

  20. Any HONEST mother will tell you that she feels more *love* for one child or another at one time or another. Like our friendships, there are seasons that we go through with our children. There is nothing wrong with that.
    Glad Phil's parents are helpful … what a relief. I know how stressful it can be when the in-laws come and they are more of burden than a help.
    You are blessed and I feel more blessed to hear your mommy journey!

  21. Look how big she's getting!!! Yippeee!!!! i can't wait til she has little rolls of fat on her thighs and arms and looks like a little michelin man. There's nothing more beautiful than a healthy, growing baby- and she's beautiful!

  22. A friend of mine shocked me once and told me she had a favorite.

    I like the way you describe it as moods. Sometimes I like one more than the other, but I love them all the same.

    Beautiful blue eyes on Abigail. She's a looker!

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