I know you’re hurting. I know that pain, the intensity of it. I totally know. I need to tell you this: advice is what you want when you already know the answer. And you do. You know the answer. You just don’t like the answer, and that’s understandable.
Intellectually, you know all of it. You know the advice you’d give a friend describing your exact situation. You know what your younger self would tell you to do. Intellectually you know that the pain will eventually dull, that there will be someone else, that you can move on, but in the living, you want time to fast-forward to "over it." You don’t want to live through it. It’s too painful. You want to feel better, even if it means a band-aid. And yet, you never want to go through this pain again. You want to do anything you can to prevent this from happening again. And the sad fact is, you can’t.
You’re afraid of the unknown. And so is he. It’s why he’s given you the mixed messages of let’s work it out, let’s make this work, then waffles back to, "I just don’t think we’re happy" and "This just isn’t working." He actually knows that part is true. He knows that it won’t work, that deep down, he doesn’t feel it, yet every time he fears the unknown, fears regret, he reneges and tells you he wants to work it out. Or he hears how upset you are and wants to ease your pain. Or just worries if he’s making a mistake, so he waffles. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you already have the answer. It’s over. And it stings, and there’s an ache, and you feel lost without him. But, you’re not.
Just because one person doesn’t think you’re right for them doesn’t mean you need to change. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or damaged. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough or that you’re some failure. It’s ONE PERSON. I know you thought he was "the person." But he’s not. He’s a person. And so are you… your own person. You need to take care of her now. No one died and made him God. Your desperate, "I’ll change all those things you wanted me to" attempts need to stop. You want to change something, then change your perspective. Figure out what led you here, and learn from it. Yes, you have shit to work on. We all have things to work on, and with the next person there will still be things to work on, sometimes the same things, sometimes all new anxieties or issues bubble to the top. It’s never going to be perfect, but it’s not supposed to leave you feeling like shit more than you’re feeling like "the shit."
You do not want him back. What you want is safe. You want what you know. You want what’s easy. You feel unsteady and you want a security blanket of promises. Only one person can give you that, and you know who she is. You want to be wanted. You want all those feelings you felt at the beginning. You want to hear that you’re beautiful, that you’re amazing, that he feels soooo lucky to have found you, that you’re clever and adorable and that he can’t think of anyone but you. No one will ever compare to you. Ever. He’ll never ever stop feeling that way, he’s sure! You want to hear all of that, so much, mostly because you’re getting your sense of worth from him, not from you. You wouldn’t need to hear all that if you knew it, if you felt it, if you believed you were already those things. You need to give that to yourself now, no matter how frightening it feels. It’s an ending, but it’s also a start.