comma, comma, comma, comma, come, come.

When sitting poolside amid a dozen women, equal parts married and single, I grabbed the Post-It notes and asked my girlfriend to repeat the question. We sat like ladies on classically styled outdoor love seats fit for a beach front hotel, sipping pre-dinner Prosecco from clear plastic cups, speaking with the candor of men around a card table. There’d be no bluffing when it came to this deck of bachelorette cards, where we’d answer intimate questions among friends.  I’d be damned if–in my mildly soused state–I was going to forget any of it, hence the pad of reporting Post-It notes.

781111995605_0_bgIn complete harmony, when asked for the top three qualities that make a phenomenal lover, we all sang out, “Aggressiveness.” Even the latecomers, who’d been inside making last-gasp efforts at casual high-style (razored white Egyptian cotton shirts with splatter paint) chimed in without forethought, “Confident enough to take total control.” Surrounded by mostly hetero lawyers, doctors, real-estate agents, artists, corporate directors, and one stay-at-home mom, I wasn’t at all surprised that we each wanted the exact same thing, first and foremost, from a lover: a man who’d tell us what to do. 

943131995605_0_bg And no, for those men reading, that doesn’t mean: “Lick my balls.” It’s so much more about the build. About the smaller specifics. The tease. The making us wait. Bossing us around a little bit, telling us when to breath, when to relax, when to clench, where to sit. Punish us a little. Role play. “We all lead these powerful everyday lives,” one of my friends allowed, “so of course we want to let that guard down in the bedroom. I want a man man who takes what he wants without apology.” And we all nod our heads.

Is it true for every woman? Hell if I know, but I do know it’s true for many of us. Surprisingly, though, the number two quality women looked for in a lover —to which it was actually hard to commit—was passion and selflessness. The latter might seem to contradict the selfish forcefulness we seem to crave, but really, no one wants a selfish lover. We want someone who’s take-charge in pleasing, teasing, and pleasuring us. Lastly, the consensus landed on perseverance. We all wanted a lover who could take his time, someone purposeful and patient, who had some staying power. All this, and there wasn’t even an afterthought to penis-size. Besides, we’d answered that in an earlier question involving “hot uniforms.” I’ll just say James Taylor was onto something with “Handy Man.”



  1. AMEN TO THAT!!!

    Had to pop in and say hello. Just read "Moose," and I have to say, it was amazing. I've never read a book that has made me feel such a roller-coaster of emotions. I just normally don't get that personally involved. But it is scary how similar to you I am. I could have written that book (if I were half as well-worded as you are!!!). Fantastic. The passage from Spanish class was heart-wrenching but so familiar it almost made my stomach hurt.

    I started my first diet when I was 9 (Richard Simmons' "Deal-A-Meal" and "Sweatin' to the Oldies"). Being 9, it was the first time I had ever ever heard some of those songs. I was definitely not their target audience. A couple years later, I can remember my mom pointing out an ad in a magazine about a fat camp and asking me if I wanted to go, and I of course was so embarrassed to admit that I did. I had been secretly eyeing that ad for as long as I had been reading and wishing she would send me. So I told her I didn't want to go, and she didn't send me. To this day, I feel regret over not going.

    Anyhow, "Moose" is one of those books that I will keep and read again (which is rare for me). Can't wait to dive in to "Straight Up and Dirty."

    You have a new faithful blog follower, too :) Take care!

  2. Absolutely spot on.
    Most men enjoy women who tell them what to do in bed as well, they see those as "gems" b/c they're so "rare" is what I hear from my guy friends.

  3. oh i absolutely LOVE these all girl types of conversations…. and funny how we basically all have similar thoughts on this particular subject matter…

  4. Yep, not sure about other women but the agressiveness in the bedroom is more than welcome with me. The selflessness is my second and there's a conflict between these two; mostly agressiveness in the bedroom (but not so much that there's no pleasing me) and both passion/agressiveness outside the bedroom, a go-getter who knows what he wants but always makes room for me beside him (sleflessness). Ok, now I'm sounding like a fairytale huh?

  5. It makes sense that women who are in charge all the time find it liberating and exciting to be out of charge, if you will, for a spell. It's not really role playing if you're just doing what you do at the office. Unless you have a VERY liberal office.

  6. Great!
    The only things missing is a photo of you ladies there, chatting about that.
    And prosecco on my table

  7. Please tell me what , "razored white Egyptian cotton shirts with splatter paint" is all about? Were you all wearing splatter paint shirts out? If so, that is too funny.

  8. I really love the humor in your blog. It's nice to laugh about real life sometimes, well all the time. :)


  9. Stephanie, that blouse is very pretty and suits you. Bless my mother for teaching me to wear color and how to wear it.

  10. I had to sound uncool (I really thought I was) but what is Prosecco?

  11. I wouldn't have fit in at all. I would have been the lone voice that likes to be in charge. Teasing and tempting. It's not that I want my lover to be submissive, but I don't want him aggressive to the point that I'm submissive. Just not my style. Well, on occasion it is, but mostly not.

    Then there's the ineffable joy of being in synch. Without a word, just a feeling, knowing that we're having sex, or making love or fucking. Scratching an itch can be great, or expressing love physically, which is also great. Nothing worse than being out of synch. If I'm doing a waltz and he wants a quick jitterbug (think I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance?) the sex is fucked, and not in a good way.

    My best-ever was when we started off fucking, which was really hot, and the mood silently changed and we were making love. What an absolute confirmation that we "got" each other when we shifted gears at the same time.

  12. Hi Stephanie… just wanted to tell you I just finished reading Moose and I loved it! I unfortunately dont have the same happy ending as you because I am still extremely overweight. However, your story and the truth infused throughout it really made for an excellent read. Most importantly… it gave me hope! I'm only 26… I can still turn this around. So thanks…MOOSE!

  13. sundfan – Prosecco = Italian champagne (more or less)

    I also love your top in the picture. Very cute.

  14. GOT TO HAVE THE STEELY EYES, SQUARE JAW COMBO WITH A SIDE OF RASPY VOICE. Big hands, a few spare muscles so they can move us about. A very dirty mind is a plus and a few spare hours against a wall/ counter/bed on a Thursday night. Oh Dash it, just described my Ex-Boyfriend to a Tee. POUT…

    I would like to be so evolved and say that men like that are
    to much like a rich chocolate torte, a little of that goes a long way. But I would be such a liar.

    I still long for those Halcyon days of wild abandon and that Bossy cave dweller of a man. Obviously I am a deeply flawed
    individual who likes Torte.

  15. Sundfan, Prosecco is a sparkling, white, light Italian wine, wonderful in summer. Very reasonably priced too.

  16. This is just the kind of unapologetic, funny post that made me fall in love with your blog in the first place. Thanks :)

  17. I loved this post. The truth is that the best lover that I ever had did just that. He was aggressive in his approach but his desired result was me-centered not him-centered (if that makes sense). Ahhh, too bad sex isn't enough to make a relationship function cause he was a real idiot in pretty much every other aspect.

  18. I loved this post. The truth is that the best lover that I ever had did just that. He was aggressive in his approach but his desired result was me-centered not him-centered (if that makes sense). Ahhh, too bad sex isn't enough to make a relationship function cause he was a real idiot in pretty much every other aspect.

  19. I have a job where I'm bossing people around all day…mostly men, coincidently. There are many days when this is so terribly tough on me. I feel like I'm faking my way through being the strong, unemotional, uncaring-Devil Wears Prada type of woman. I hate it. But I also admit I do have moments…brief moments of loving it. With that said, plenty are the days when I want most to go home and curl on the sofa with the man of my dreams and be told exactly what to do. To just submit myself to the man I love, meeting his each and every desire.

  20. Hey, Stephanie….you can't return bathing suits, unfortunately, so the idea of trying on at home is not feasible.
    was a good idea though.

  21. i love that y'all were unafraid to talk about what is on all our minds! if only we could clue the men in on this one…

    i stumbled upon your blog before reading your book. now i love both! thanks stephanie! you're wonderfully talented!

  22. Here! Here! You are so fun! and I am sad that I just discovered you days too late to see you at the ferry building in san francisco! come back SOON! you can even stay at my house and sleep on my sofa!!!…if you don't mind that the cats may smell you and walk on you while you sleep…


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.