a slice of it

Phil-  Give you $20 bucks if I can touch your bits?
Stephanie-  I’m only worth $20?  Not $200 at least?
Phil-  No matter what number I said it would be too little.  $2 million is too little.
Stephanie-  And my bits?  You want to touch my bits?
Phil-  I couldn’t think of any other words and was just trying to be playful.  I don’t want to fight with you. I’m just trying to initiate.  Why do we have to fight?
Stephanie-  I’m just being me.  Are you saying you don’t want me to be me?
Phil- Yes.  That’s what I’m saying. (turns over and goes to sleep)

He made it an argument by saying, "I don’t want to fight with you." I wasn’t fighting! I just wasn’t turned on by his approach. I’m not saying each and every time has to get all SECRETARY (the movie), and I knew he was trying, but that just wasn’t going to do it for me.

From his POV, each time is different and he never knows what I want. One time I’ll want him to be loving, another time, I want him to be domineering, and he can never tell, he argues, so why bother trying? I can see his point, but I’d argue, "no, just try harder."

Why is it so hard for men to realize that women are more cerebral, and if they want "in" they have to begin by getting into our heads, not into our girly gadgets.Otherwise, it’s always just going to be mediocre sex. My new plan? I’m going to buy some smutty books and ask him to read them, in hopes that he can work up a vocabulary beyond "can I touch your bits."


  1. Ah, the delicate art of foreplay. My husband and I have whittled it down to "wanna do it?" The fact that he refuses to understand that men and woman are turned on by different things is actually a bigger gripe for me. For example, men like it if you go straight for the goods…

  2. Ouch. My boyfriend is away on business, for the ENTIRE summer. He's been gone 30 days. At this point, I'd pay HIM to touch my bits.

  3. So my takeaway from this post is that even after you marry them, some of them will still pay you for it???!!! HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME??

  4. aww, depending on your tone/whether you were smiling, i could see your responses (first two) as not really trying to pick a fight or anything. still, the man could be smoooover.

  5. i wish i could get my husand to read this…and then he'd realize he is SO not alone in his endevors. our slice would be very similar, just imagine the two of us, with our baby in tow, walking down the isle of a BJs fussing over water…oy. such is life. and life is good.

  6. we were at a restaurant on friday having a beautiful dinner when my husband tells me, lets stay the night in new york and not commute home and have spontaneous sex. I was so turned on from the entire day that the idea sounded fabulous. but because there is always a but, I envisioned the multiple bills that are coming due as a result of our amazing 2.5 week european vacation. So i tried to keep the beat, still turned on, and told him that i preferred to go home and have spontaneous sex. he got so mad at me for rejecting his spontaneous suggestion that he ignored me for the rest of the night.

  7. Surely he wants you to be you, just not "defensive mode you". Maybe you could have just been honest about the fact that you weren't in the mood.

  8. Ouch. It seems like you were playing along and then all of a sudden, Phil gets defensive and says you're fighting.

    Don't be so overly sensitive big guy. Not everything is a rejection of you or about you.

    FROM SK: This is exactly how I feel about it.

  9. "I'm just being me. Are you saying you don't want me to be me?"

    What every guy wants when he's thinking about sex – a declaration of who I am and a question if that enough. Way to make a guy go soft, and not in the heart.

    Just as the poster said not everything is about Phil or a rejection of him, not everything is about Stephanie and a constant affirmation of her greatness.

    Geez, the guy made a slightly clumsy initiation for sex. Stephanie, if you'd played your cards right, you might have caught up in your orgasm count. If you'd had multiple orgasms, you could have taken the lead!

  10. There's a fine line between bedroom humor/foreplay and the biggest turnoff ever. The first time I had sex with my husband he referred to a condom as a "party hat". It was a total turnoff, but I figured he was nervous and let it go. When he did it the next time I said "say that again and I promise you'll never need another one". It actually was his attempt at making a cute foreplay joke…gone really really awry.

    P.S. Good to see you! You looked awesome.

  11. There you go girly! Yes, Mr. Man should be thankful that he has a woman who wants something different at times. There are many women in their marriages who don't care either way.

    Yes, next time lure him into it. If he asks to touch your bits, tell him to describe to you how he wants to touch them and what he wants to do with them! Sometimes they just need encouragment. Plus it's fun!

    Reading dirty stories to each other can be quite a turn-on…which reminds me I haven't done it with my hubby in a while. Mental note.

  12. The right way to handle this if you actually want to have sex.

    Give you $20 bucks if I can touch your bits?


    Geez. Way to make something out of nothing.

    FROM STEPHANIE: Don't just want sex. Want really good memorable sex sometimes. If it comes down to "eh sex" or sleep, I'll sleep. But if it's good juicy sex, I'll stay up all night and deal with the sleep hangover gladly.

  13. I'm so with you. I understand that it might be frustrating for guys that womens' tastes differ from day to day, but what can we do? Newsflash, women and men are different. Those cliche 90's comedians we on to something. Men want sex pretty much all the time. Women are up for it, but you've got to give them a head start – even for a quickie. I tried to explain this to my husband: Sneak up behind me in the kitchen and grab my crotch and you're likely to get an elbow to the gut. Sneak up behind me and grab my boobs while kissing my neck, and we just might be in business.

  14. I can see both your sides, truly. No one has ever been able to keep up with my desire for creativity and spontanaiety. And I've experienced some pawing and less-than-desirable approaches. Still, he should get some points for initiating and saying no amount of $$ was enough. After you raised the question about the $$ and he was sweet, to then question his approach as well … I probably would've taken it as being picked on, too. He is who he is. I'm assuming he wasn't Mr Suave from the very get go? So why expect different now? If you want it to be amazing, contribute to that. I tend to agree with Julie – turn it into something you want…"Hm, just what bits are we talking about and what did you have in mind?" or "maybe, but first you have to let me blindfold you"; whatever sounds "amazing" to you. just my 2 cents. i recognize it's all personal and tough to navigate. i'm currently without any regular anything, so…man, i'd take a somewhat clumsy approach over nothing :)

  15. I'm with Dawn on this one.

    My boyfriend is also away- gone for 6 months. And it's been just over 2 weeks since I've seen him.

    I would buy a plane ticket to go see him right now- and go without pay to take the time off from work- to handle his bits again. =]

    Ah relationships- men and women really don't speak the same language do we?

  16. ::sigh::

    at least you're not the one that has to initiate cuz you're guy's a bit too shy…
    i think i'd also take the lame approach over nothing. but i understand where you're coming from.

  17. I like and am open to any and all approaches (and most with get a guy there), but that one’s a bit of a head scratcher.

    So ask Phil, how much for a purple nurple or titty twister right back?

  18. I know exactly what you mean! We are getting married this September. We have been together for 4 years and living together for one. He just seems to have no clue how to get me worked up. He used to. When he was pursuing me but now he believes that if he walks past a grabs my tits I am going to get all hot and bothered. I am not. So it leads to a fight. It is annoying. We have a lot of that "so-so" kind of sex when he is super in the mood and I am not. And why to they just go right for your crotch out of the blue? Who taught them this?

  19. Try the Laurell K. Hamilton books– the Merry Gentry & the Anita Blake ones. They get a little soft core porn for me in the last few, but there are a couple with some good eroticism. :) OOOh, and Henry & June. The HOTTEST movie ever.

    My hubby & I, after many years of marriage & twins now 3 years old who insist on sleeping with us, have to have lunch "dates". It's kinda like having an affair with your spouse. We come home, "frolic" and have lunch. He goes back to work, I work on other things, the babies are in daycare. It can be pretty awesome. But it IS complicated and takes a while to develop that language.

    But the real secret is to keep trying: communication is the key.

  20. Secretary is a vaguely hot movie, No? So I have a question, Have you ever had a boyfriend/husband/person of interest
    that just had the business. I mean when you hung out with friends you were so itchy to be alone with him that you did inappropriate things in public, tore clothes off barely through the front door, and had orgasms that made not only the angels sing but F-ing Kanye West was there also. I mean this is the guy that could do sweet,domineering, more then once,and just you. What a fucking mind blowing combination.
    And if you had one of these Gods of sex, you know that strangely you could tell them anything. No fantasy to naughty and no need to hide a desire to hear sweet things whispered in your ears. They just had the talent to draw out exactly what you need, liked they were plugged in to your inner 'HO. This is the guy that made your pals put out a APB thinking that you had disappered off the planet, when in reality any moments not spent working, eating were spent in the bliss of his arms. But it almost never last. But here is what I learned from 17 months that I had one. You have to take that no fear that you had with him and you have to invest that trust in the guy that you are with long term. They may not be able to read your mind about whether you want slow sweet lovin or dirty toe curling hard lovin, but if you just give out a strong hint they will learn to tell. A big strong hint.
    This is just my humble comment. But talking about sex just make having it so much more fun. I think the book idea is a great idea!! Got to give Phil credit for the naughty bits, taking it back to old School. Roll with it and just laugh at him. Life is so short, enjoy every nip, kiss, embrace, pinch,
    grope and thrust and smack.

    FROM SK: This was awesome. The only problem is, I want hate sex. I want, after a fight, or even during one, if I'm being difficult, or we just can't agree, for him to just stop, grab me, and start kissing me. The way it happens in romantic comedies, where we know they love each other, but get in each other's way. I always love that they know enough to stop fighting and to kiss, and rip off each other's clothes and get to what really matters… a deeper interaction, something that gets you above the rest of it.

    He cannot do that. Ironically, he needs the intimacy to be there to be into it. And I don't because I know it's there, deep down. I tell him it's what I want, but he cannot go there. So all the communication in the world can't change our preferences.

  21. The word "Bits" bothers me. I don't know why. Just does.

    I woulda taken the twenty bucks though.

    Mr. Manic does not understand my need to want to make desperate sure the door is completely locked.

    I asked him the other day if it was, and his answer, "Sort of."

    How can the door be "sort of" locked, and how is this going to get me so I can think about NOT THE KIDS!?!? Ugh. They just don't get it. They just want their "bits" sucked off.

  22. Ooooh, Bee, I had one of those on and off for two years. Then I read Drama Kings (The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy) and realized that he was a just a VISITOR and that he'd long ago learned that the way to a woman's heart is through her Georgia O'Keefe. He's a genius talent in bed and we want him like a drug, but he sees himself as a lonesome outlaw. It's the endless non-date; forever going nowhere.

    But man, can we learn a lot about ourselves between the sheets when we have a man like that. I agree, take what you've learned and apply it to the long-term man.

  23. Girly, I so want the hate sex. The difference of opinion sex,
    the prelude to sex where he does the toss you over the shoulder and stroll down the hallway while you giggle and the credits roll sex. I was talking with a friend and we were talking about how chick flick movies and real life bad boys ruin us for the good guys who are such great partners. Um, Hell to the Yeah! Watched Thomas Crowne Affair lately. (1999) version. Umph, if only. I want to be appreciated for my moxy and my willfullness and be adored for my temper, but I would rather a hard kiss any day then to be told whatever or for my guy to turn away in frustration. Wanting to be shut up with a kiss, adoringly argued with, grasped or just taken, is not always such a bad thing. MEN TAKE NOTE…….. wink SK, one day they will learn how to get that bad girl sex they want so much.
    Sorry for the double comment, but damn, you hit a hot topic in
    my boudoir.

  24. I don't always agree with you, but what does that matter?. . . I keep coming back to read your blog. And isn't that the sign of good writing? Yeah for you! But in this I agree with you. My husband why I don't get all hot and bothered when he grabs my boobs and makes honking noises. I do expect more out of him, especially when I hear how he smooth he was with the ladies before he married me. It isn't enough to excuse them because they are guys and speak a different language. Bits and boobies-nothing romantic about that. I'm all for fun, but when raising kids, cleaning house and trying to be a supportive wife and friend, I think I am entitled to "romance".

  25. The word "bits" sounds so "Bridget Jones' Diary"…I dunno.

    So basically, I too have lived that conversation you posted–almost verbatim. In fact, reading the post and a few of the comments has caused me to call over my guy to read it all in another attempt to get him to understand my POV. We women need different ways of intimacy at different times. Men need to tune into the words and vibes we are giving them.

    When I call said man over here I say, "See!? This is what I'm talking about. Listen up, pay attention, and learn to love hate sex!" Hah.

    So yeah…I'm right there with ya. Well, not right there of course, but ya know what I mean.

  26. Maybe he is a little tired of your differences and trying to figure out what he's supposed to say and do in order to please you – that's why he gave up and rolled over and went to sleep. Also, the rolling over and going to sleep without any make-up sex or further attempts could be a sign that he does get fed up sometimes.

  27. Steohanie, do you realize that all of your posts regarding Phil and sex are about the fact that he does not meet your needs?

  28. oh man, i feel like i'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend. sometimes he just doesn't get it. and just like in your situation, he can blow the most simple remark to his advances out of proportion. and like phil, he needs intimacy all the time, don't get me wrong, thats not a bad thing. but sometimes i want, as you so delicately put it, "hate sex", just pure passion and throw down. oddly enough (or not at all) i had some of the best sex in my life with my ex, but thats all we had, every other aspect of the relationship is crap. i'd take my "nice" boy over that any day, i just miss that unspoken spark.

  29. There's something genuinely disturbing about the idea that there are so many women in this world who actually believe that the choreographed love-making sequences in romantic comedies even remotely resemble real life.

    It only happens that way in the movies, folks, and on the rare occasion where that sort of epic, perfectly-timed yet spontaneous interaction actually happens you can be assured that the moment arrives unexpectedly not because someone has a mental picture of what their sex life should look like.

    Also? The word "bits" is a major turn-off.

  30. Are you ever a good sport? Do you ever just roll with it? You just don't seem very fun for a guy to be around. Kind of like what I imagine Katherine Heigl would be like in bed.

  31. So I went back over to Jen Lancaster's blog and saw she added a link to your book, unless I totally missed it before. If I did, my bad. Her blog is actually pretty funny. Im pleasantly surprised.
    I wish people wouldnt chastise you about your sex life with Phil. I feel it makes you hold back in posting more blogs like that one, and it's the personal ones I enjoy the most.
    You guys need to watch porn together. Try redtube dot com. ;)

  32. Please stop watching movies. It will be good for your sex life. Do you honestly believe that when you two are having a fight about an issue there is a chance that he will grab you and just f**k your brains out? Please, that only happens in movies.
    I am wondering why you assumed the sex would be just eh, was it becasue you did not like the approach? If you were in the mood that you are also responsible for making sure it is more than eh, make sure you both do what feels good. I think it can be as good as you want it to be.

  33. I know exactly what you mean about "eh" sex, and not wanting to bother. I love sex, but I know its not going to be worth it if one of us asks "Are you horny?". If you have to ask…its not there!

    We don't do the anger sex. When we're both angry, neither of us can get to that place. Make up sex is different, but not actual hate sex. I'm sure for some people its hot and spicy, but for us, we both get too sad when we fight. Our fights are never explosive or anything…it mostly just winds up with me crying and him silent, retreating.

    I am all about quality over quantity. And seriously…what gives with "bits"? Could there be an unsexier word? And why the money offer thing? Was that a half assed attempt to play hooker and trick? Either way, I'd have laughed and rolled over. That was a definite failure at initiation.

  34. Great post! Reminded me that my ex used to say, "wanna snuggle?" whenever he wanted to have sex. Made me want to run away.

  35. My guy and I literally just had this conversation last night. This post could not have come at a more opportune time.

    Seems like what used to be hot, steamy sex with ample foreplay has morphed into "I'll grab your crotch so get ready in 2 minutes, because I'm ready now". When did this happen? I don't know when, why or how but I do know it's resulted in some very mediocre-at-best sex. I want to know where the "oh-my-god-bliss" sex went. I miss it.

    Thanks for your post, Stephanie. It reminded me to redouble my efforts tonight. I figure if I take control and lead things the direction I want them to go, it can't be all bad.

  36. I'm sorry that the word "bits" offended you, but…

    Life is so f*cking short. He could be dead tomorrow. Now go home and f*ck his brains out!

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