Two weeks ago, I gave notice.  I knocked on my supervisor’s door and stood there with my resignation letter in hand.  “You’re quitting aren’t you?”  She said it with a smile.  “Well, it’s about time.  You’re in a new place now, and I’m so happy for you.”  I was scared.  “Stephanie, you don’t seem happy about this.”  It just doesn’t feel real yet.  “You’ll always have a home here.”  I bit off all my nails.

This Wednesday is my last day, and I’ve already eaten my cuticles.  They’re throwing me a going away party.  Parties in my honor make me anxious.  I mean, who is going to show up?  I’ve been working for this company for over 5 years, and I only really know a handful of people.   Why?  Because I haven’t been warm.  I’ve been a hard worker because it’s what I thought mattered most. I’ve seen people around me who can balance both.  They’re well-liked and respected.  I fear I failed at warm and personable and have been seen only as dedicated and diligent.  When in life, all I really want is to be compassionate and connect with those I care about.  It’s what I’ve learned from my time in advertising.  I wish I’d made more of my time with people instead of job numbers and iPod playlists.

[Tweet “It’s not courage without fear.”]

When people have invited me to lunch, I thanked them and declined.  It had nothing to do with the company and everything to do with the calories and my anti-social habits.  If I worked through lunch, I was a hard worker, people would see how much I valued the project.   Wrong.  What people see is when you value them.  I wish I’d been more personable.  I wish I’d invited anyone to lunch. I fear no one really likes me.

This is my risk: leaving a job to pursue a career.  Life leaps.  This is mine, and I’m owning it.

“No, I’m not quitting.  I’ve just decided to take a new job.”  A job that requires a bathrobe, laptop, and lap dog.  It’s still scary, but it’s not courage without fear.  And I have a feeling the friends I have made while at work, I will have for the rest of my life.