If he isn’t into me, it won’t take rocket science.  His phone calls will become sparse.  He won’t initiate plans.  I’ll get the hint, and the “why?” won’t matter.  Maybe it’s timing, someone else, me.  Who cares?  Next.  I didn’t need an explanation.  Sometimes there isn’t one, and then you have to hear vomit reality TV words.  Connection.  Spark.  Soulmates.

I certainly didn’t want a phone call explaining, “actually, you’re nice and all, but…”  I’d rather believe what was easiest for my esteem.  Commitment phobic.  He’s not over his ex.  Workaholic, Mommy Issues, Gay.  I didn’t need an explanation.  Clearly he’s just not the one for me right now.

Do onto others.  So, if I’m not that into him, I can stop returning his calls, emails, or hide my visibility on IM  (blocking is so dodge ball in 6th grade).  I’d initiate the phase-out.  He’ll get the hint, and this way, I’d be sparing his feelings.  He can assume the worst of me and still feel good about himself.  She’s not over her past.  Workaholic.  Social climber. Shallow.  No wait, this was the latest, “You were born too early. If you came around in the future perhaps you’d be able to live all your life in shallow catty 2D website space-time. Have a wonderful imitation life.”  Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best idea.

Who died and made me arbiter between a man and his esteem?  I was flattering myself, thinking if I had been straight up with the guy that he’d just curl into fetal position and scream out for his momma.  Okay, I didn’t have to be completely straight up.  I could have at least respected him enough to tell him things just weren’t working for me.  Hopefully, he’d accept the communication gracefully without asking for the whys of my decision.  “You suck in bed, your penis is negligible, and despite your greatest efforts, this will never, ever work,” doesn’t exactly roll right off the tongue.  I imagine it’s a little tough to stomach hearing as well.  Then I’d be left to lie, “It isn’t you.  It’s me.”  I want someone with a bigger dick.      

We all know hurting someone’s feelings is sometimes just part of the gig, and no one likes to do it.  But, I’m not a coward about it.  See, sometimes, I genuinely don’t know how I feel.  I’m confused and working it out in my head, and I forget sometimes that I haven’t returned a call or email, until it’s too late, and I’ve been accused of mixed messages and cowardly behavior.  I’ve learned never to make decisions when you’re confused and emotional. It’s best to assess and come to a decision based on reason.  That’s when I’ll confront what I must, who I must.    

When you do it, you feel like an adult.  It was the right thing to do.  You actually exhale when you learn they still want to hang out with you as friends.  You even exhale when you hear, “I totally respect that, and I wish you the best.  It’s too hard for me, though, to just be friends with you, so if things don’t work out, please know my door is open to you.  Anytime.”  See, that’s the kind of grace you look for.  That’s good people.  “You have an imitation life” is just bitter and angry.  I’d never respond that way to anyone I’d ever had feelings for.  It’s all data though, and I’m thankful it was revealed to me.