There are many places in Manhattan where men get jerked off on rubber couches after their body massages for around 80 bucks. In conversations with friends, they mimic a scale, their hands outstretched in front of them, “Let’s see, pay 80 bucks for a guaranteed release where I don’t have to worry about calling the next day, or wine her and dine her just to kiss her on the cheek? Yeah, tough decision indeed. We all pay for seex; I’d rather be up front about it.”

Then there are the married guys. “Yeah, but it’s not cheating if it’s a massage. It’s just a release.” I’ve actually heard it argued. Argue this: lactic acid drips out of pulled muscles, and you’re finally relaxed, then some Asian chick, who covers her mouth when she giggles, tenses you all up again for your orgasm. Why wouldn’t she and her friend (oh, yes, special customa getta two, special deal, firsta time.) jerk you off at the beginning? Then you can relax through the rest. I’ll tell you why. Then you’d have to lay there with your conscience.

Men don’t go to rub and tugs for the rub. It has nothing to do with relaxation and everything to do with the sexually charged atmosphere.

Here’s my stance on cheating: doing anything you wouldn’t normally do in front of your partner is cheating. If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse, girlfriend, exclusive anyone standing over your shoulder, then you shouldn’t be doing it. So, visiting any sexually charged atmosphere without your partner is cheating, if you believe your partner would take exception to it. Yes, even intimate details about the problems of your relationship discussed with another woman over dinner is cheating. That’s right, talk. If your girlfriend has a problem with your genitals being stimulated by another person, chances are, she’ll find something to scream about if she learns you’ve been fondled at the parlor. And you know it; that’s why you tell the guys about it and not your woman. Chalk it up to, “Well she just wouldn’t understand.” Understand this: you know it’s wrong, you feel it in your body language when you swing open the door. Forsaking all others. That’s what you committed to, not forsaking all others besides dirty whores who don’t count cause they’re dirty and you’d never really want them.

If you want a happy ending, grow up, and realize your 5-minute hard on is hardly worth your integrity… or your relationship. What you need to release is the idea that a “complete massage” isn’t a betrayal.