like squeezing a diamond from a colon

In ALL, BOOB TUBE by Stephanie Klein13 Comments

bwhell

There are certain things, objects, people even, in our world that we could easily point to and claim, “That’s the work of the devil.” You know, if we were even the type to classify things as good and bad, delineating a heaven from a hell, and all that. I kind of hope that “heaven” becomes whatever we think it will be while we’re alive. So if we think it’s the kind of place that lets us see exactly what happened to all those people and things we lost, and a place where we can overindulge without any consequences, where all our needs are met, where we feel constantly like we’re falling in love, while also knowing it won’t ever end, that you can have all the people in your life you want at all times. That there’s miss, but only enough to make you love even more. Every hour there’s a new chick flick better than the next. If we think it’s all decadence, it will be. And if we think it’s the place from where we originally came before we were born, a place we don’t remember, a place where we return, and go back to not existing at all, then that’s what we get.

Bacon ice cream, some might argue, is the work of the devil (Oh, but it’s so damn good over waffles!). The girl at camp who replaces your hair conditioner with Nair (can you even imagine?), the mother who puts her cigarette out on her daughter’s plate, letting her know she’s eaten quite enough, and damn it to hell, online banking. I have yet to find anything as frustrating.

I’ve been sick with the flu for the past few days, which feels pretty close to death, in the same pajamas for days, a rat’s nest head, busted pits, swamp ass and encroaching on the crotch rot. My boobs hurt, my back kills, and I’m exhausted. Worse yet, there’s nothing on TV. I’m watching “Set it and forget it” on shopping networks. This, I’m quite certain, is a trapping from hell. They wooed me in with their Gourmet Magazine footage, convincing me that I’d get practical information mixed up with destination advice, learning about how other cultures live, work, and eat. Then they jump in with colored enamelware in the shape of peppers, apples, or pumpkins. “Perfect for the holidays.” Oooh, evil. Evil because now all I can think about is menus and setting a table. Color schemes. Celery root purees.

It occurs to me that it takes a certain kind of person to work on such a station. To kill time and speak about a turtleneck for twenty minutes is a skill. Oh dear, buy more and save. Stock up. “The hand feel is amazing” is code for “it feels nice.” The great things about these sweaters is that they come in scoop neck, mock turtle, full turtle, and tunic. Add a belt, and it’s a whole new look. I cannot help but think of Bubba Gump Shrimp. “I should have been buying up more scoop necks, you know why? They enlongate my neck.” “Ooh, and they show off your jewelry from our next segment all the better.” Look at the stitch detailing closely enough, and you’ll see that it spells Lucifer. “Total showstopper, I’m telling you.” Your biggest challenge when considering this timeless classic? Mauve, Bone, Raspberry, or my favorite, Teal.

Comments

  1. Oh, yuck, so sorry to hear about the flu. That's the worst. Hope you are feeling better very soon.

    I have no idea how you managed such a great post with the flu but once again your writing skills shine in a very amusing light.

  2. The flu sucks. Even worse when nothing is on TV.
    Don't try and start up again too soon (I've been reading your blog long enough to know you are a busy person), or you will just feel like crap forever. Rest up and feel good before you start working again.

  3. Just say no to turtlenecks.
    May I suggest American Justice, Cold Case Files, City Confidential, or even Bridezillas?
    Hope you feel better.

  4. I hope you feel better.

    But you know, I've always wondered about the whole swapping the conditioner with Nair trick. I think it has to be an urban legend. The reason why is because Nair stinks so badly that as soon as you opened the bottle that terrible tar/ skunk/ deadly chemical odor would be so overpowering that you'd know this wasn't your normal product. You'd definitely know it when you poured it into your hand and it would be unmistakable if you actually managed to get past steps 1 and 2 and get the stuff on your head. Anyone know someone this actually happened to? I've always wanted to know.

  5. Swamp butt and crotch rot!
    I thought hubby and I were the only ones who were as, ummm… descriptive. We're always met with horror faces when we say those things in mixed company. :)

    Feel better.

    Baby wipes should relieve a little bit of the S.B.C.R.

  6. How are you able to write, or even think of writing, when you feel sick? Very impressive, and I do hope you feel better. But…your boobs hurt, you're exhausted? Um, dare I say it – could you be pregnant?

    FROM SK: The thought has crossed my mind. I refuse to take a test. Am sure my red spot will charge in for the New Year.

  7. Hope you feel better soon.

    Totally. There is nothing worse being sick to the gills and not having anything good to watch on tv. It is so rare to have the time to watch tv, so good tv should be a consolation, when you are sick, right? What about old 90210 reruns on SoapNet? Movie time?

  8. Happy Birthday lady! I hope you feel better. That sucks being sick on your birthday. And you better be well by Thursday!

  9. Whatever happened to tivo and dvd's?! Sex and the City just came out on DVD…. I suggest you send Phil out to buy it for you!

    Feel better, and Happy Birthday!

  10. Speaking of Sex and the City, I assume you saw it in theaters. What were your thoughts on it? I remember being curious to get your review.

  11. I got sucked into watching the Jackie O jewelry collection on QVC once… It was bad. Very very bad.

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