back to you

In ALL, DATING & MATING by Stephanie Klein36 Comments

"You’re a bitch on wheels" my mother once said to me when I was acting out as a child.  I wasn’t so much a child as a pain in the ass know-it-all.  I wasn’t driving a car or riding a bike and didn’t quite understand where the "wheels" bit came from.  For some strange reason, I imagined a dessert cart when she said it.  The glass kind found in upmarket restaurants, and I wondered how I’d fit on it.  And now, although it makes no sense, I still use the phrase.  Lately, I’ve been a total bitch on wheels. 

Well, what the fuck, I’m sorry, but who gets her goddamn spot twice a month?  This used to happen when I was trying to conceive.  Doctors said I wasn’t ovulating, which completely spun me into a panic.  Now that I have kids, you’d think I’d be a-okay with it.  You’d be wrong. 

Let me just say, when I do get it, it lasts for five days, maybe six.  So then I’m spot-free for a week, that’s right, seven days.  And then I get that shit again?  And for a whole five or six days.  That’s having your period every other week!  Yeah, no wonder I’m a bitch.  And I want everyone to feel as pissed off as I do.  You’re tired?  Tough shit.  Entertain me.  If I’m miserable, damn well better know I’m taking you down with me.  And it’s not fair.  And I’m sorry.  I apologize for being impossible lately, for saying mean things, for lashing out.  For being a bitch on wheels.  And it’s not because of what we’ve been going through lately, because I was this way before all that.  And I want to thank you for always finding your way back to me in the middle of the night, with tangled touch, or a foot crossed over mine.  My body growing closer to you, apologizing in touch before the rest of me is able to catch up.

Because the truth of it is, I distance myself sometimes, get so used to holding a grudge, that I keep it safe, and stay true to it.  And then we begin to live like brother and sister, in a polite house of yes and please and no thank you.  And I don’t like the living I’ve created, and don’t always know how to stop it, to cross the line back over to you. 

Comments

  1. i have gone through periods of stress lately and then as soon as i calm down i get my goddamn period. maybe this means you are calming down a bit after all this craziness. though you did say you were irregular before. this just started happening to me and it's driving me nuts.

  2. This happened to my friend who also had b/g twins. Are they sure that you aren't a double ovulator? This is what her OB/GYN called her and told her that her chances of being pregnant with twins again is way higher than the "typical" woman who has also delivered twins previously.

  3. you should check out the john mayer song with the same title.

    and OMG did you watch dr. 90210 with the "G Shots"?

    "Closer to me? Closer to you?"

    gross.

  4. i am feeling you on this post. after getting cranky on a cruise with my boyfriend and distancing myself, we came up with our own name for finding our way back to each other: "meeting in the middle," which came about as we slept on opposite sides of our cabin bed during the night and literally found ourselves reaching across the middle for one another. so now when we are cranky or find ourselves putting up walls, one of us requests that we "meet in the middle." always makes us smile and gets us back on track. have a good day!

  5. Are you sure you don't have polycystic ovaries? You don't have to be large and hairy to have them. I have them, and I ovulate only when my ovaries feel like ovulating. None of that every 14 days nonsense going on over here. It's fascinating that I was able to get pg 4 times (2 m/c's and 2 births).

  6. as a ObGyn I think you might have transvaginal ultrasounds if spotting continues. anyway, in stressful periods spotting is common. please Stephanie, try to relax your body and soul for a little, thiking of you and your family with much affection

  7. "you dont have to be large and hairy to have them"

    Okay, that made me laugh.

    Stress will bring on your period like that, poor diet, depression, etc…

  8. When I was a teenager, I either got my period every other week, or every other month. It was like a surprise party all the time! I went on the pill back then. And boy, was I worried when I went off in my 30s to start trying to get preggers. Lo and behold, it was regular for a while, then started stretching to 35 days. Apparently, I wasn't ovulating (thank you Clomid). I do worry about what it'll be like, post-pregnancy, because at 36, I won't be going back on the pill. I feel for you!
    Hope both beans (esp. Lucas) are doing well!

  9. A uterine ablation was my saving grace – after the babies were about 10, 12, 13, I sort of just bled all the time. Talk about feeling like crap constantly. Went to the doc, got some shots that made me FAT. Went to the surgeon…when he explained the ablation whilst sitting on the metal table in the exam room "Imagine you and I are sitting inside your uterus – now imagine burning the paint off of all the walls" I knew it was for me! Best thing I ever did – besides the divorce. Besides the children first, divorce second.

    Healthy thoughts to you all, especially boy baby.

  10. Chronic PMS can be treated with medication. I believe cymbalta would help you tremendously. It won't regulate your periods, but your moods will improve. There are options to being miserable, if you chose to take them. I think you can take the pill to regulate your periods.

  11. I am this same way (not the period stuff, the holding on to the grudge or the fight) and I hate it so much. We are both miserable when I behave like this, so what is the point? Also makes me sad that it is often hormonal with me, so I feel like I can't even control it. But we do the foot thing too in the middle of the night, and it the craziness does then tend to fade away.

    Things will get better.

  12. I've been trying to find my way back to my husband for four years. We've been married eleven. It ain't easy. I try to remember, or better yet – immerse myself in – those distant memories of 'just us' and times like after only about 8 months of dating and no mention of the "M" word, we were at some bar with a band I liked, I asked him to dance with me, already fully knowing he was no kind of dancer, and he says "naaah……(notes my disappointment and says..) I'll dance with you at our wedding."

    Those are the moments you have to remember and like I said, soak yourself in, sometimes for days keep playing it over and over in your head, if only to only feel that feeling that brought you together in the first place, as fleeting as it may last. Do it often.

  13. Yes, as Sarah stated, "things will get better." That is, until they get worse. When I turned 45 and entered perimenopause and bled every week or every other week. i had to go on the pill!

  14. I've been married 13 months and my husband often says I have a mental list of the things he has done wrong. He is right even though I don't want to have a list. When I dated I paid attention to the "warning signs" and kept track of them. My goal was to be able to spot the jerks and remove myself before I got hurt. I've had to accept that my husband will make mistakes but he will never hurt me on purpose. It has been hard but I've had to make a real effort to forgive quickly and not let an offense take root in my heart. At first I would tell my husband that I don't know how to let go of things but I'm learning. It takes effort and the most important thing is to do it as quick as possible even if it doesn't feel right yet.

  15. Oh, and let's not forget menopause, when you don't spot or bleed at all yet you are STILL a bitch on wheels….go figure… (-;

  16. "Marriage is a sibling relationship – marked by occasional, and rather regrettable, episodes of incest."

    – Martin Amis

  17. One of the best books I've ever read on marriage (or any kind of committed partnership) is "The Passionate Marriage." It was recommended to me by a marriage therapist and I highly recommend it for anyone looking to get closer to their partner.

  18. i think it's the ones who don't make us apologize htat really count. the parents who tell us "yeah, you're a bitch on wheels, you little brat – but i love you for it" or the husband who would never say it because part of being a bitch on wheels and spotting not wanting to be or hear that you are a bitch on wheels.

    i really don't know anything about spotting (other than when starting a new BC), but i can imagine your frustration and fully prescribe a double-dose of anything that makes you feel better.

  19. You've gotten WAY more medical advice than you probably want, but I'll throw in mine, too. My hormones went NUTS after my son was born. I had PMS that was so bad, I was sure there would be "news at 11" about the crazy person spraying the mall with an Uzi. The periods were debilitating, heavy and long. Depo-Provera was my saving grace. One shot every 3 months. 99.99% effective birth control and after the first month or so…..NO PERIODS! No more PMS, no more murderous rages. I was through with babies so I stayed on it for years, pretty much until menopause, with no side effects at all except that I was given control of my life back. Have a long talk with your gyno and if you don't get satisfactory information for whatever you need to make your life more livable, find another doctor.

  20. "And I want to thank you for always finding your way back to me in the middle of the night, with tangled touch, or a foot crossed over mine. My body growing closer to you, apologizing in touch before the rest of me is able to catch up."

    I love this.
    You have an amazing husband.

  21. It's likely a combo of stress and maybe post-baby hormones. With all that's going on with Lucas I wouldn't be surprised, and all the stress when the twins were born.

    I had a really hard month last month (family drama, rejections from writing competitions, work, etc. etc.), and my period was 11 days late. Ugh. That was scary (since I don't want children). Now it feels like its going to come early. I'm a bitchy hormonal basket case. My husband is a saint for dealing with me. The older I get, the more I am an emotional slave to my cycle.

  22. I got my period every 2 wks when I was planning my wedding. My dr said that it was stress. He put me on the pill to regulate me, and I gained 10 lbs w/in 2 wks. Talk about stress! I had to wait my full cycle to go off the pill, and all I did was worry about fitting into my wedding gown. My dr assured me it was water weight, but still… Once I went off the pill the weight came off too, but stress can definitely do a number on you. Now that I'm 43, I am sooo irregular (20-35 days). More stress. When this started happening, my dr said, "welcome to your 40's". Great.

  23. In your shoes I would investigate taking the pill and anti-depressants.

    Not having been in your shoes but rather in my own, I have done similar for the good of my family.

    Do what is best for you and your family but please look into help for your moodiness/ever present periods. Your husband and children will thank you!

  24. I am new to your blog and got here threw another blog I read ( Love This Life) and I have been reading through your blogs and connot seem to stop reading. As a mother of four kids my heart goes out to you and all the feelings and emotions you are going through with Lucas. I could not even imagine and am not going to think up some words to make it better because there are none, but I think you are an amazing women who is doing her best and Lucas is lucky to have you by his side. I will be praying for your precious little boy because that is one thing I know does work. On another note I love your writing and will be back to rad more!

  25. Maybe you could try vitex agnus castus – a herbal type thing – its supposed to help regulate hormones

  26. Dessert cart!

    That bit about being thankful for the wee hour touch is priceless. Good luck.

    My cousin had hers for three weeks once when withdrawing from Depo. So unpleasant to live with. Good luck good luck good luck.

    Last night was the eclipse of a full moon. Maybe that'll help.

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