For 34 days, I went Whole 30. The whole 9 yards, no cheating, reading every single label of every bit of food I ate. Whole30? It’s the #1 Best Seller in Weight Loss Recipes on Amazon. The authors tell you not to begin with the “not’s” when explaining the “elimination eating plan” (lest you call it a diet), or people will immediately say, “Yeah, good luck with that.” If you begin with all you CAN eat, people are more inclined to lean in and listen.
Fcuk that.
Here’s what I haven’t consumed for the past 34 days:
NO SUGAR
That’s right; I gave up added sugar. No sugar or any sweeteners of any kind including sugar alcohols, artificial sweeteners, maple syrup, honey, agave, dextrose. Things sweetened only with fruit juice are permitted. Splenda = Nada.
NO BOOZIN’
No hooch, no shooters nor chasers. No alcohol of any kind. This means that you may not use vanilla extract or use dijon mustard (because it has wine in it). You may not even cook with wine, despite the fact that the alcohol cooks out. Nice try, though.
NO FLOUR OR GRAINS
Nope, no bread, no rice of any color, no quinoa, no barley, no sprouted grains, no millet, NO CORN, no sorghum, no amaranth, no buckwheat, no gluten-free mixes, no gluten-free pasta. No creating baked goods out of substitute flours like coconut flour or almond meal. No modified food starch. No to the no, no, no.
NO LEGUMES
No peanuts (or peanut butter, obviously), no frijoles, no lentils or chickpeas. The only bean you may have is a trip to Beantown, Massachusetts. Did, I also mention under this category: NO SOY. No tofu or soy products. No un-turkey or fake chicken nuggets. No soy sauce. No tempeh or edamame. No soy lecithin.
“We’re fine with green beans, sugar snap peas and snow peas. While they’re technically a legume, these are far more “pod” than “bean,” and green plant matter is generally good for you.” Oh, joy.
NO DAIRY
Oh, come on. This is getting ridiculous. That’s right, no milk in your coffee. No cheese on your salad or burger. So, out goes that cauliflower pizza you just pinned. Almond milk is fine… ONLY IF YOU MAKE YOUR OWN! I’m sorry, but if I find time to make my own almond milk, there’s a lot more broken in my life than an extra 20 lbs. Nope, no yogurt, and no butter (milk solids). Though, you may have clarified butter, aka Ghee. Thank heaven for little girls and ghee.
NO PRESERVATIVES
No carrageenan, MSG or sulfites, to be more specific. Carrageenan is in a lot of shit. Forget it. It’s out.
AND IF YOU WERE THINKING THIS WAS OKAY, THINK AGAIN
No French fries or potato chips. Nice try. Because you CAN have potatoes.
AND NOW, MY PERSONAL RESULTS
Yuh, so a month of not eating out, no oreos or cheesecake eaten with my finger, refrigerator door open, and I’m bound to lose some weight, right? It should melt right out with slippery banana poops. I make no apology for that sentence. It did not melt off me, and I was NOT “regular” in the BM category.
Okay, so they say you shouldn’t do this “reset” with the goal of losing weight. But come on, how do you NOT lose weight when you cut out all sugar and grains?
In total, I lost 10 pounds in 30 days. But it’s more like 8 pounds depending on what time of day I step on that scale. Great, you think. 10 lbs. is something. And hey, I’ll bet your clothes fit better. You’d lose that bet, friend. I still feel bloated and my jeans are still tight. Maybe my pants were grossly tight before and now only moderately obscene. Yes, but do you sleep better, feel better? Is your skin clearer? Do you have more energy? No. Sorry, but if I’m being deeply honest, no.
But how is this possible? You’re eating fresh fruits and vegetables and coconut milk. Olive oil, avocados, raw almonds, coconut oil. Yuh, I also read The Coconut Oil Miracle, and I found this book super informative, and I totally believe it! But I’m still uncomfortable in all my clothes.
You’re drinking your espresso BLACK. You eat smoked salmon and an orange for breakfast, or eggs and a handful of berries. You’ve even tracked your food in a diary, being mindful of what you were eating. Grass-fed beef, and I’m still a moo. WTF?
I don’t know people. I didn’t cheat. The other night, now that my Whole 30 is complete, I went out and drank wine. I was fine. Except when I then opted to eat 3 of Phil’s french fries and ordered a soft serve vanilla ice cream on a wafer cone. And still, I felt totally fine the next day, as if it never happened. This Whole30 is wholly depressing.
The ONLY benefit I’ve seen from this program in terms of how I feel is that I’ve stopped craving sweets. I don’t want to stab anyone when I see them enjoying cake, while I abstain, at one of the many kids’ birthday parties we attend. I’m ridiculously happy sucking on a strawberry or eating a handful of cherries in lieu of any dessert. Though, man, I could go for a walnut brownie dipped in cold milk.
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