There is no way in hell I’ll ever, ever go shoulder-length with my curly hair again. Ever. I hated it even more than my McHair. The whole reason I mentioned the country western singer thing in my previous post is because I KNOW IT’S TOO LONG. I also currently have, and always will have, long layers. I refuse any cut where I HAVE TO blow dry any part of my hair, including bangs. It’s just too strange to me having curly hair with straight bangs, and ringlet bangs, even on Minnie Driver five years ago, simply don’t do the trick. Or even having to put a curling iron to my head every single morning: no way. It’s hard enough getting myself to shower.

I’ve tried pulling the hair across my forehead and tucking it behind an ear to dry. It doesn’t work. It just dries straight-ish, and it won’t stay over there. I have a cowlick that just begs to be renamed.

I also HATE, while I’m on the subject, places that specialize in curly hair. "Yes, we really carve the curl," they’ll tout. What-the-fuck-ever. You do not. They give you shorter layers near your face, and say this undercutting will really make it so much "lighter." No it won’t. It will make it shorter. Here’s the biggest problem; they try to convince you that because they’ve left some length in the back, that your hair really isn’t short. What it is, is an incognito mullet. If you pull all your hair back behind your shoulders, then shake your head, the shorter layers move forward, and it looks as if you’ve two different haircuts. Quite frankly, you look like a Springer Spaniel.

Those curl specialty hairdressers drown your hair in product, sit you under a heat lamp with clips clamped to your scalp, all after sopping up a shellac of gel by scrunching your curls with paper towels. I hate the whole technique. I believe in going to a good all-around salon, seeing a top stylist if you can, WHO HAS CURLY HAIR HERSELF. I’m quite aware than many a man-stylist has curl talent, but without knowing them by name, I’m going to someone whose hair I envy. Otherwise, it’s like being stuck with the teal eyeshadow chick at the makeup counter who thinks orange lipstick is the way to go. Though she’ll argue, "No, no. It’s a soft coral."

And, just FYI, if there were ever a picket line fighting for the rights of Henna, I’d cross it, then flash it my cooch. In the meanwhile, I’m considering a few thin blond highlights, and actually checking out Curly Girl.