I am beyond disgusted. My skin is crawling, and every 9 seconds or so, I’m convinced there’s a bug crawling in my hair, eyelashes, on my calve, no that one. Back to the ankle. The corner of my eye.
I moved into this apartment on April 1, the biggest joke of a day. It was snowing, yet I decided to walk around the neighborhood collecting restaurant delivery menus. Then I hit Columbus Avenue Bakery and realized I too should bake something in my new home. I loaded up on pantry staples, but when I returned home, I was too tired to cook. I ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch from the box in handfuls instead.
They’re in my lampshade, on my floor, crawling on the headboard. I am horrified.
Last night, I was on the phone with my sister Lea, who now lives in Montana. We talked for an hour and 45 minutes because when you talk to Lea, it always lasts that long; she can talk the shit out of a livestock auctioneer. We talk about her job at Este Lauder and how happy she is there.
“Are you really?” I asked.
“Why YeeeeEEEsss,” she replied, doing her best Fog Horn McWhatever.
“AHHHHH!”
“What, Steph, what?”
“A goddamn mother fly again! Jesus, Lea, I have these goddamn fruit flies everywhere. I don’t know what to do!” Linus is barking and wants to see what I’ve just slapped into slaughter against my bedroom wall.
“Damn, Steph, we’re living parallel lives. We both stink and have flies following us around.” She snorts.
I’d looked everywhere and couldn’t find their source. I presumed it was a seasonal thing. I searched my cabinets, under sinks, and I couldn’t find anything. Until the other night, when I was alone in my apartment watching The Aviator. I searched my pantry again, and I noticed what looked like brown dust, or apple pie spices, on my white shelves. I took out my kitchen stool to get a better look at the higher shelves. They were everywhere. Small needley bugs, tunneling through a hill of wheat flour. Who the hell buys wheat flour anyway? Apparently, I purchased it two years ago and never used it. Flour hosts bug eggs, and if you don’t keep it in your refrigerator, those eggs hatch and leave you with flour that you’ll swear didn’t look like it had vanilla bean in it upon purchase. Tiny black specks will eventually grow wings. WINGS! And then they hang out near your goddamn desk, sipping your wine, floating in your dog’s water bowl!
I threw out everything in my pantry, removed all the shelves, and wiped everything down with Clorox. I’m still finding them though. They hide out behind light bulbs. I’m onto them. They like the light and water. I awake to find a few in my toilet bowl. I can’t live like this. And all this from WHEAT FLOUR, from trying to be healthy! Actually, it would have happened with regular flour or even Bisquick (you should throw any of yours out, or at least check the situation out). I just killed a bug that crawled on my inner thigh. And I’m dressed!  Oh God. The inside of my nose itches.
They’re on my curtains. I am horrified. HORRIFIED. I think I might throw up. I’m serious. You think Aerosol and Windex are toxic?
