get a life

When you’re married, your energy has a chance to roam.  You can choose a hobby—raising a dog, fertility, painting. Your google searches have a theme; you are no longer aimless in the bookstore.  You have found something to invest all the energy you had previously spent on planning the wedding, or before that, planning your life.  Because unfortunately, most of us, when we’re single don’t really think we’ve got an adult life until we’re married.  So we obsess over the meanings of IMs, emails, and lack of calls as a hobby.  We can almost spreadsheet the interactions with our perspective dates.  Emailed him twice, called once, returned his call.  Ball is in his court.  We could try to elaborate, adding which story we told to whom, but it would require more typing than it’s worth.  And when there is no guy, we create them or resurrect the older ones because we don’t know what to do with the available energy we still have after our yoga, spinning, and elliptical efforts.  When you get married, you can exhale and start your life. 

Fuck that noise.
Take it from a woman who has been on both sides.  So many women do it, let themselves obsess over someone because it gives her something to do. I certainly did it before I was married, and I’ve seen myself do it again afterwards.  Then a day came when I reviewed all my diary entries, examined the scope of my conversations with friends, and I was like, “Is this all I’ve become?”  I started making my hobbies (I still hate this word), my passions, about me.  It’s a way better investment than some random guy who won’t be around next week.  Seriously, find something you can do, just for you, that makes you happy.  It’s something no one can ever take from you; it’s on par with an education.  Learning to make yourself happy, without another person, is just as invaluable as learning from the past.  And masturbation is not a hobby; it’s a sport.



  1. THANK GOD for the second half of that post! I actually felt as though my life really started after my marriage ended. She was a wonderful person, I'm not awful, but we'd spent 13 comprimising in ways that ended up being bad for both of us. I'm not looking for my "other half" anymore. I'm really happy being a good friend to some, a lover to others, a help for several and a good uncle/brother/son for a few.

  2. I never got married, just lived as a wife for 25 years- that sounds like i am and old lady but not so much. i would walk away tomorrow if I could support myself financially, and if I did not know that he would be fine and go on and that i would still be unhappy. Find what you love before you forget what it was.

  3. Great post Stephanie. I just wrote a post (maybe 2 days ago) about the importance of having a hobby. I totally agree with you.


  4. Great post Stephanie. I just wrote a post (maybe 2 days ago) about the importance of having a hobby. I totally agree with you.


  5. Love the "Fuck that noise!" statement. It's an "us" line. Anyway, was this one thing that maybe, just perhaps, you kinda learned from me after doom-marathon-day?

  6. Also from a girl who's been on both sides, how right you are! And I find that it's the obsessiveness that makes guys think that all girls are crazy. We should all find a level of happiness that will make us more comfortable with being alone for the rest of our lives than having to settle for less than what we deserve.

  7. Great post. I truly agree. I have always noticed that throughout my life I needed at least one person to "like", as if it was my hobby. If I didn't have anyone to obsess over then I would go into the past and that really sucks, there is usually a reason why those guys are in the past. As for finding a hobby, i've tried and tried and still no luck…

  8. If masturbation is a sport, then what are your best times? And don't forget to record your splits! I'll look for you at the Cross-town Classic coming up in a few weeks. :-)

    To get back on topic, I think people obsess over marriage as a solution to the "loneliness" issue. And maybe the question of "success". As most of us who read your blog know that relationship is tenuous at best. The average person (I include myself in that category but not you) can only hold, at most, one idea in their brain at a time. Every other interest gets pushed aside…

  9. I've only been on one side, but I've certainly read through my journal entries and thought, "Is this all I think about?" Thanks for the reminder. I'm not waiting to begin anymore.

  10. Great post! & so true…..

    But what do you do about a "self" that has the desire to dabble in the innocent "flirt" even when married?
    (you reading, Chris M?… :>)

    Just an aside….
    For those interested in a different "outlook" on the institution of marriage for the 21st century….may I recommend this very thought inspiring & provocative book…"Against Love, a Polemic"…I can't remember the authors name.
    Makes for very lively conversation between the sexes!!

  11. The only glitch in this system is when you have created such an independant life, the idea of sharing is not always appealing. I have discovered myself in many ways (writing, painting, dancing) and I like what I find, but there are still things that I am saving for doing with someone else someday (like travelling South America). My fear is that I will get too used to being alone.

  12. this is such an awesome, true post!!! it took me so long to get to the point where i was content to be me. it took me clinging to a really shitty boyfriend and looking for my self-worth in him, it took me heartbreaks and time spent running after men who were not worth it. when i stopped, brethed in, and realized what i am doing, i finally looked inside myself and found someone awesome :) i thank god that i have come to this point. not only did i find who i am, what i like and don't like, but also i have found this independence that attracts a whole new set of (great) men – maybe i should say A MAN. or maybe i have learned to see through the crap that most men put out to appear more desirable.

  13. Love, love LOVE this post. As I write watching the Golem with my iBook on my lap surfing the iTMS my wife is upstairs IMing and writing on her PC. We eat together, we do our respective thing for a few hours and then we go to bed. We both love this "me" time – everyone needs their space in life. Walk a lot, immerse yourself in your hobby, and have sex – the recipe for a happy life.

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