I received a phone call last night at 11:50pm. “Klein, there’s just something else I have to tell you. After all the seex is gone, after all the confidence and the games, you want to end up with your best friend.”
That’s just what I want… a best friend I can’t keep my hands off. Someone who won’t mind picking the parts I can’t reach, who will understand my need to pluck things, and my obsession with seeing exactly how much white comes out of the things that get popped. Someone who gets how much I love Linus’ Woodstock yawn, and how I live for his sigh as he settles under the covers. At the end of the day, I want someone who I can just be me with, even if the me is crazy or neurotic sometimes. Someone who can call me on my neurosis and kiss me through it. Confidence is hot, but friendship, the kind that makes you snort, is what life is really about at the end of the day. We’re all, on some level, insecure and worried, wanting nothing more than for the person we like to think we’re together and confident, but to love us more when they discover our fixations.
Over Polenta, we discussed seex.
“I tried everything to get her off, but nothing was working.”
“Did you try masturbating in front of her?”
“No, masturbating, rubbing yourself?” He looks at me as though something is dangling from my nose, but he’s unsure how to go about telling me. “What? It’s hot when a person is selfish and lets the other person share in it.”
“But that goes against everything men are taught. We’re taught to take care of her first.”
“Look, sometimes you have to break the rules to get somewhere. I’m not saying abandon the woman, but let her know you’re not all about her. Let her know it’s mutual. It’s hot.”
“You need to write this.”
Now, find someone who’s your best friend who’s happy to rub one out and you’ve got yourself a keeper. You know, that, and they’re not a commitment-phobic, indecisive, cheater who has an Asian fetish. ‘Cause then you’re screwed, left crying to your best friend wondering why you never ended up together in the first place.
Because at the end of the day, really, you want someone you can’t keep your hands off who gets who you are. Someone confident in his decisions, who won’t waiver. Confidence in want is the seexiest thing out there; it’s what I’ve always wanted. That, and, someone who you know, in your heart, will never leave, no matter how far they go.