I’m trying not to be an enabler of bad habits, but I simply have to talk about this because I’m sitting at my desk covered in disbelief.  Did you know anyone can order diet pills online, and I’m not talking over-the-counter Ephedra stuff.  Forget Diet Fuel and Trimspa.  Anna Nicole Smith conveniently lost 69 lbs.  69 and Anna Nicole isn’t so far fetched a sentence, but Trimspa and weight loss–pahleeze.  The Internet enables anyone who claims she is over 18 years old to order up pills one normally needs a white pad and bad handwriting to get–and all as easily as ordering a book on Amazon. My mouth is still shocked open.  I am not writing this so you google diet pills and then order up a stack yourself, and I’m not telling you what I am (and am about to) to enable bad habits and unhealthy behavior.  Coming from such a webhead, I can’t believe what I’m thinking or saying or writing, but the Internet is making me nervous. I’m biting my nails between paragraphs.

I need a nazi to yell at me weekly.  Someone real and alive needs to know what I weigh, what I really weigh and write it down as proof.   

Yesterday I got on the scale and became afraid of myself, my lack of control, my weakness.  That was it, my moment.  That moment you have when you know you’re out of control.  Everything stops spinning and you’re left with a quiet truth that weeps and hangs on your insides.

After leaving the doctor’s office this morning, I headed toward Starbucks.  I gave up coffee a long time ago, when I gave up dieting.  Coffee makes you shit and forget about food; it’s a dieter’s best friend.  Today I ordered my iced grande skim latte, flanked it with Splendas and headed to the office.  The taste of coffee tastes like dieting to me, so Pavlovian.  The Weight Doctor of the Upper East Side is my new enabler of good.  He should wear a cape.  He didn’t yell at me.  "I’ll see you next week, same time, same place, only thinner."

Now I’m off to Starbucks again to tote off apple crumb muffins in my green City Harvest bag for drop off at the Grand Central Partnership.  See, even when I volunteer, it involves food.