why haters really hate

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Sometimes the hostility and contempt towards me isn’t mired in jealousy. It’s often anchored in rejection. A scorned acquaintance who believed we were friends, a guy I’d rejected, the current spouse of one of my exes, a friend of the woman who’s now with an ex, a friend of one of my exes, family members of exes, someone my current husband rejected… they’re all here, still invested in my demise. Why?

One man, for example, comments on this site, full of anger, twisting his non-existent mustache, hoping for divorce, for failure, for shame, for bankruptcy, for friends to reject me, for me to be dumped on my ass, for me to be “put in my place,” somewhere low, kicked off some imagined grandstand, in fetal position, humbled. Why? Because I rejected him years upon years ago. I couldn’t even tell you his name, if I didn’t have his wooing match.com emails to me stowed away in an old email account. But why? Why go through the bother. “For entertainment” is a balls-to-the-wall lie. “She complained about the bread sticks, or lack thereof on our date, and the waitstaff found her unbearable.” Then why do you still bother reading her blog?

“Trainwreck” gets the gong, too. Another lie. Because when you watch, say, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, you’re not personally invested. You don’t truly care. It’s casual entertainment, as you sit back and SILENTLY shake your head. “Hot mess” then you change the channel or watch as you flip through a magazine. I don’t believe you feel the same intense rage toward a reality television “personality,” as you do toward someone you know, or knew, or “know” only through an ex or friend done wrong. Because then it’s mildly personal, and their “fall” secretly thrills you in a way… wait for it… you can’t really thrill yourself. Because if you could, you’d be over it. Over them, you’d wish them the best because you truly wouldn’t care. If they have a delusional marriage of dysfunction wouldn’t stir you. Horrific self-serving mom, poor kid, but it’s their journey. If you were fulfilled in your life, you wouldn’t take an interest in the downfall of hers. You wouldn’t wish her well or ill. Instead, you let your obsession with her be your entertainment. The way some people make online dating a window-shopping experience, even once they’ve found “the one” because it’s become habit and entertainment, just something you do. But it’s doing nothing for you but feed the shit you should be over. You can’t let go.

Then there are hater sites, dedicated to making hate a sport, a dog pile of name-calling, with people spending their energy, even their free time that can be used toward any type of entertainment, trying to one-up each other in the language of mean. “It’s entertainment” may be true, but is that really how you want to enrich your life? I’d argue that you weren’t read to enough as a child–somewhat said as a blow, but really, there are worlds out there that engage your mind, that challenge you, invite you to do better. There’s a whole world of opportunity, of creating, of things you can do to better yourself. Why not spend your energy there?

And a good part of the stir is often times just plain projection. Yes, things you don’t like in you, you’re quick to call out in other people. Want to know exactly what an enemy’s weakness is? Pay attention to how he attacks you and you can cut to the quick of his insecurities. Attacking me with “you’re shallow,” or “you’re lying about not being embarrassed over your husband being in trucking not finance” reveals exactly what scares YOU, what matters most to you. It says that you’d hate to think that anyone would think of you as shallow, that you worry about what other people think of your status. “Mention some brand names why don’t you” says that you’re insecure because it bothers you that much, enough for you to comment on it.

I make fun of things that scare me, I do. There are also things I don’t like, like tuna fish and strong accents from the Bronx (sorry Carol, I love you, just not your accent xo) not because I’m jealous, not because I’m insecure of my own accent and not because I’ve been hurt but because of preference. I wouldn’t go out of my way to read a blog and continuously hate-vomit chunks of negativity all over it over a simple preference. There are 31 flavors, after all, and it’s okay not to like me. Even I don’t like me some of the time. But be honest with yourself. Your “occasional drive by” visits to my site aren’t really about me; they’re about your need to feel important, to feel better about you.

So when people suggest you “get a life,” they’re not off course. Get your own happy, fill your life with more positive things, enrich your own world in lieu of trying to tear down the life of anyone else. Whether it’s me, or your ex, or your asshole neighbor who lets his dog shit on your yard, let it go or you’ll live the rest of your life in rubber soles convincing yourself that you have one.



  1. I was really impressed with your responses to the obnoxious comments on the post about lunches, but this puts it in perspective. Those commenters are sorry people.

  2. I live in a world of haters.

    When I dreamed & decided what I wanted to do for a living and actually started doing it I lost friends & family by the boatload. They loved me when I was this silly dreamer who they believed had no chance in the world to do the things I set out to do and was passionate about.

    This goes for my career and my body, by the way. When I lost weight and got into the best shape of my life, family members mocked me for being muscular. When I gained the weight back, they reveled in it like Lindsay Lohan fucking up.

    When I first got paid a lot of money to do what I set out to do for a living and got notoriety for it all I heard is “took him long enough”. When that project failed and never moved forward I heard “I knew that would happen”.

    These are “family” and “friends” mind you. I don’t expose myself to strangers like you choose to do.

    I just know from experience that people hate you for having the courage of your convictions. They hate that you didn’t follow the little checklist we’re all “supposed” to follow in life like they may have…And quite honestly, this is part of the curse at being truly great. It’s part of having a different kind of life. An inspired life that is more than just marriage, house, kids, retirement.

    I have a cousin who was older than me and should’ve been a mentor. He instead took every chance he had to put me down my entire life. Told me I was ugly. Told me I was fat. You know the type. He literally made me think there was something very wrong with me when I was younger. I eventually grew out of that feeling as I found my footing in life but he has never grown out of the ass he was. At my wedding he did something so reprehensible I won’t repeat it here. When my Mother found out she ripped him a new asshole which caused him to burst into tears and reveal he’s been jealous of me his entire life. Jealous I was brave enough to take risks, jealous of the caliber of woman that married me compared to his wife, jealous of my relationship with my parents, etc. Family.

    It’s not going to get easier. I don’t blog about things so I don’t open myself up to attacks like you do. But I do know that the only friends I can keep, make or hang onto are people who are truly content with their lives. When my wife & I meet new people and they hear what I do we can tell within moments if this is going somewhere or if they’re haters.

    The worst part is I hate that people think my life is simple, easy and care free. I have the same stresses everyone else has. I wake up and hate myself somedays for eating a pint of ice cream during Breaking Bad. I look at the bank account and realize I better get my shit together or I may have to find a different job. But they don’t see that. They don’t see me not being able to sleep at night worrying about my wife & I sometimes.

    They see the hate, jealousy and anger when they look at me. I’m not a human being to them. I symbolize something that angers them about themselves.

    All that said, it doesn’t make it any easier and it hurts me when it happens. I wish I was totally immune to it, but I’m not. I’m human. Haters just don’t want to admit that.

    I don’t think you deserve the hate you get on here, but you have to admit you are asking for it by opening your life up like this. Being “nice” isn’t fun or sexy anymore. Taking shots at people & high fiving the air shouting “Boo-yah!” is the new “I rock”!

    Having an open forum about your life is a choice you made and you have to live with it good and bad. I feel like this post is just giving them what they want. They want to know they get to you. That’s the one thing I’ve never given any of the people who’ve ripped me to shreds in my life. I just ignore them and go about my life not letting them know they’ve gotten to me. I put it behind me and move forward. This drives them insane by the way.

    At the end of the day, haters are writing about themselves. You’re just a point of inspiration. Be flattered by it and ignore them if you can. There’s more important things in life than scrapping in the mud with the one’s who want to drag you down with them.

    By the by, that cousin who tormented me & cried about being jealous of me to my Mom recently asked me to write a letter of recommendation to college for his son. As much as I wanted to tell him to “go fuck himself”, I simply told him I would be happy to and I did. The best revenge is living well or something like that…right?

    1. Author

      This was all very well said. “Haters are writing about themselves. You’re just a point of inspiration.” Should be a tee shirt slogan. I’m going to tweet it now. Thanks for this insight.

      And yes, the more you put yourself out there, the more people will appreciate and value you and the more people will be disgusted by you. It’s true. And it only gets to me when there might be some truth to what’s being said… even when truth isn’t involved.

      We all have a reptilian brain, responsible for our instincts, it’s the part of our brain that tells us we’ll “never eat again; eat as much as you can!” Our basic survival instincts sometimes take over the rational part of our brains, and we become panic centers. Panic-stricken, we don’t always make the best decisions. In fact, we often question ourselves, doubting any conviction we might have had. The slightest insecurity, the teeniest crack of certainty, and the reptilian brain tells us to give up and run away from the new hard challenge… stick to what we know! Stop trying to succeed at new things or you’ll end up homeless and alone.

      When “the truth hurts” it’s sometimes not the truth… it’s a temporary crack in your certainty that allows your reptilian brain a chance to creep its way into your thoughts. See, sometimes someone really does hit a nerve, making you realize that you might not be admitting a truth to yourself… and sometimes they’re just vocalizing what your regressed, ancient, primitive little reptilian brain is thinking. It’s why our enemies are our greatest teachers.

      1. Loved the reptilian brain stuff. That pretty much nailed my creative process.

        I give you credit for taking it on the chin here more often than not. I get enough of that from family & friends that I just go about my business and find my happiness/fulfillment away from them. Inviting strangers into that scares me. I’m successful to an extent but still very insecure in my low moments.

        You’re not a monster even though some on here want to strip you down to a caricature they can mock. The reason they pick on you is probably because they know/knew you at some point and/or they’re insanely jealous of the successes you’ve had & what may lie for you in the future. What they don’t realize is your success doesn’t take away the opportunity for their own. They’re taking away the opportunity for their own.

        They don’t see all the doubt, the stress, the internal monologues (that you don’t post) where you rip yourself worse than they ever could in here.

        I really feel most people don’t think other people are human anymore. It’s like we’re all characters in their reality show and the fact that we take offense, get hurt or angry is of no consideration to them. It’s all about them getting off by them telling us what’s up. If they have an ounce of compassion when they find out they hurt us, they pull that narcissistic “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than truly apologize for what they did.

        I just think it’s a bit arrogant of blog readers to think they’re saying things to you in here that you’ve never thought of in your head already during your low real life moments.

        Our enemies are our greatest teachers and if I can confess something, they actually do fuel us. I do get a small thrill know how my successes will piss certain people off who’ve hurt me in the past. That’s not the fuel that drives me, but it’s the rainbow sprinkles I discover that I forgot I had in the pantry when I’m spooning out ice cream.

        Let the haters come after you. Let them post their shit. At the end of the day nothing they say changes who you are and who you will be. That’s on us.

    2. G. That was beautifully written and I couldn’t agree more. Love to know you and your wife in person.

      One thing that baffles me is when people say how lucky I am. I had one friend who said she is going to divorce her husband so she can have my life. Other people comment that it is so lucky that my kids are all in college.

      Really? Lucky? Yes – I have great, good fortune. But you think it’s EASY to do all of this and still be a nice person? It has taken determination, effort, blood, sweat, tears, terror, reflection, humiliation, acceptance, loneliness, perseverance…well, you know, I’m preaching to the choir.

      And a really funny thing that’s happened now that the darlings are all grown up and moved out? Everyone is trying desperately to shove me into the tidy little box of ‘married, tied down, in a relationship, settling, etc’. I’ve fought long and hard to achieve freedom, and it doesn’t look like anything I expected, but by damn, it is mine and I’m going to enjoy it.

      Courage and strength to us all. And light and love to all the haters – can’t hurt.

  3. On one hand you’re right. I don’t have the technological knowledge to know who the two haters on my blog were, but both responses pointed to someone I’m related to. The hate was SO personal, so angry, I (and countless others) had this person come to mind first after reading the attacks. They were also only on posts that would incite this particular person. So that makes sense.

    But, the comparison of the housewives is totally off. I don’t know if you’ve ever read the comments to any of the NJ ones on FB or Twitter but seriously, you’d think these people knew them all personally and spoke to them on the phone daily. THAT is how angry and invested they are in the drama, fights, and other aspects of their lives. They fight with other posters, they take sides, and sound all around cuckoo. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Brooke Shields played that crazed fan of Joey’s that thought he was really Dr Drake Ramore.

    I think it’s also possible that it happens more once you’re a parent. There is so much guilt for so many people when it comes to parenting. I know this not because I personally feel guilt (I don’t. I don’t know how I’m Jewish and escaped having a guilt gene but I don’t), but from being on wife/mom message boards, I know it to be rampant. People have SUCH strong feelings about all aspects of parenting that the only way to make themselves feel better is judge other people’s parenting. Some out of guilt and some just really believing their way is the only way and their way is the only way that’s right. And some don’t even know why they’re angry. I know I’ve judged certain things, things that got me irrationally riled and when I step back, I know they irk me but I’m not sure why.

    For me, I lose interest quickly- too quickly to pile on the hate. Everyone was HATING on that prebaby blog. It circulated through every message board I’ve been on like wildfire. I checked it out and saw what everyone was talking about, picked at “the crazy” I saw to myself, but then lost interest. But there are STILL people obsessed with this woman and her bizarre life, i a hater kind of way.

    Some of it IS true jealousy though. SO many people think they can write, think they should have their own show, etc. But very few actually have the drive to do any of it. So they’re angry at themselves for not pushing. Not doing it. By convincing themselves you had it easy, you got breaks they didn’t, or some other shitty thing about you it makes it easier to forgive themselves for not doing what they really want to do.

    Lastly, in my novel here, I think it’s also a phenomenon that I noticed from FB. People judge solely by snippets of life. Someone sees you in FB pics having a good time, being on vacation, etc and they think that’s your whole life. But no one is documenting the bad stuff, taking pics of the fight with your husband or your kids throwing a tantrum. No one wants to remember that let alone put it out there for the world to see. People read you talking about your new designer clothes or bags and you’re shallow. Meanwhile maybe that was your first purchase for you in 6 months or whatever. People see what they want to see. Not reality.

  4. I am sure you gave this post a lot of thought, but you are wrong on all counts (IMO) and I think this might have been directed at me.

    I don’t know Stephanie in real life. Never met her. I am also not: jealous, projecting, scared or in need of feeling important.

    I guess I do think the Trainwreck theory is more or less correct. I read and comment on occasion because to me your total lack of awareness is just cringeworthy, like Real Housewives. If you did not allow comments, I’d still read and just roll my eyes.

    I guess I comment because I am online a lot and have time to read all sorts of stuff, not to make myself feel better. You are just a diversion, like Bravo tv. Am I guilty of having bad taste in reading material? Quite possibly. You are the one who posts for all to read. If you don’t like commenters that disagree with you, then keep a journal. Perhaps you are guilty of baiting people online, so you can create some drama and interest in your life. Just a theory.

    1. Author

      This post wasn’t directed at you but was aimed in your general vicinity. Anon, at this point, you’re entertainment for me.

      As for my cringe-worthy awareness, or lack thereof, I thought it was my penchant for name-dropping and “jappiness” and obsession with parties I’ll never throw, meals I’ll never make, and your awaiting my posting of failures to come that really kept you reading.

      Guess I’m wrong, once again.

      1. So we entertain each other – we’re almost like digital pals.
        I have to say that the way you handle snotty commenters ( like me) has gotten a lot more mature and witty over the years. Shit, I have been reading this crap for years; maybe I should step away and read a good book.

    2. “Perhaps you are guilty of baiting people online, so you can create some drama and interest in your life. Just a theory.” Whoa! Is this the pot calling the kettle black?

    3. Anon, I agree with you again. I don’t know Stephanie but know her type since I grew up in Great Neck and live in NYC on the UWS. I studied abroad and am a very open minded person. I always find Stephanie to be shallow and very unworldly.

      I do think above blog was directed at you (and perhaps me as well when I do agree with you) and I’m sure you don’t know her as I don’t but feel that she is so pretentious and call her out on it. I do enjoy Stephanie’s writing when she’s not being obnoxious which is why I do read this blog when I have the time.

      When I do agree with your negative posts it’s not because of jealousy or an axe to grind. Speaking for myself I have a wonderful life that includes a successful career, the best husband, wonderful family and friends, I’m very pretty even without makeup and am lucky enough to have never had a weight problem. Not bragging just stating some facts for argument’s sake.

      I would never show off my diamond the way she has on this blog and many other things. That is insecurity on her part. I feel there is some humility missing, but it’s the jap in her.

      I like the fact that you jump in with your opinion which we are all entitled to.

      I found Stephanie’s blog provocative today. Very calculated since she’s getting the responses she was looking for, which is the adulation of the sheep, I mean fans and responses for the “haters.” I dont’ need to “get a life” I have one, thank you.

    1. Author

      Safe. Hmm. Let’s put it this way… even condoms are only 82–98% effective in preventing pregnancy. We’ve all got room for error. Though I do believe “anon” knows the Wasband.

      As for some of the comments cheering on Anon… people I’ve rejected.

      1. OMG! How snotty! I’m not one of them since we never had the pleasure of meeting.

  5. I read your post about packing your kid’s lunches and immediately thought ‘what a good mom, being very thoughtful in taking care of her kids’. Our world needs more moms like you.

    And then I got to the comments and was stunned! Wow, you stir some emotions in people. How difficult that must be.

  6. Stephanie Im so excited I just bought your book Moose, and I need your Autograph…Please and just dont ever let yourself be a hater your to good of a person to let them drag you into their crap

  7. Similar but different: I was washing up in the ladies room at the law firm where I worked years ago. One of the top female partners came out of the stall. The receptionist, who was waiting for the stall, told the partner that she looked beautiful. The partner looked straight at her and in all seriousness said, “Yes, I know. And I’m rich and powerful too.” She then left the bathroom. The receptionist and I looked at each other like WTF!!! It then dawned on my how insecure the partner really was. Not only did she have to make herself feel important by pumping herself up to a “lowly” receptionist*, but her comment implied that while she was beautiful, rich and powerful, the receptionist was not.

    I think if someone’s really secure with who they are, they don’t really care what someone else has, even if they don’t have it!

    *(I don’t think receptionists are above or below anyone, but I know the partner thought so. She thought everyone was below her.)

  8. I love what you said, so elegant, so insightful. I am sorry the haters harass you and that you have to deal with them. (Surprising to learn there are tenuous connections wit some of them.)

    1. Author

      Thanks Bella. What inspired me to write this post was not an onslaught of hateful comments or emails but more a general trend I’m seeing and hearing among friends, and also saying goodbye to the hateful feelings I’ve had in my heart toward endships of my very recent past.

      1. People, places and things that erode peace are best eliminated. I love a positive day and when it doesn’t come, not because of things out of my control, but from extraneous, controllable sources, I step forward to leave the thing behind. Going around them just doesn’t work.

        And yes, you wrote an inspired and inspiring post and I will pass it along to others who are blog targets.

  9. I don’t have a blog or a facebook but I am still shocked that people actually write hateful comments years after the fact. I think the electronic age has given people who tend to be hateful more ammunition and more places to write about that hate. I have read your blog and your books and although I am wistful that I don’t have your cosmetic or decorating sense, I realize that it is ok to love your pics as eye candy and call it a day. Much like the Housewives series, laugh, be shocked and move on.
    But I believe that if you are a glass full type of person, you go through life not seeing the haters so much. I know I have been shocked to find out long after the fact, that a person doesn’t like me. This has been more of an adult thing because kids tend to let you know right away. Then I spend way too much time analyzing what I did to the person and sometimes never finding much of anything that would seem to make the person dislike me as much as I was told that they did.

    Screw these people and laugh about it. They will clearly never be happy and you are doing well and are strong and have enough self-esteem to write about the crap you go through as well as the good stuff.

    1. Author

      Thank you, Lauri. I do put myself out there, not just the good and pretty and polished but the real raw and dysfunctional. And it’s very hard not to judge people, very hard, nearly impossible. But when I find myself doing it, I catch myself and remind myself that we all have our own journey, no matter how perfect a life may seem… and might actually be, we all have lessons to learn. We’re sometimes not sure what those lessons are, either. It’s why I try not to be too harsh, even toward the haters.

      I think that’s an interesting insight you made of yourself, too, about assuming all is well and good, then the surprise when you come to realize it wasn’t all fine and good on their end. I guess it’s a balance. Because I assume we all want our friendships to be authentic and deep and very real. It stings when they aren’t… and when they aren’t, fear is usually involved. Fear, often times, of confrontation and what the truth really means.

  10. Agree and disagree to an extent. I agree with you on the extreme hits. The anon commenters that come back over and over to say only negative things.

    BUT, I honestly believe that some genuine, valid criticism gets lost or ignored or wrapped up in a hater label for no good reason other than we seem-as a society-to no longer be able to handle differing views or any type of criticism.

    Do you honestly feel that valid critism has never been left on this blog in comments? And That it hasnt been attacked by loyal, but sometimes misguided fans as “super jealous Stephanie hate!!!!!!”

    I’ve read here for a long time. My interest and viewing has waxed and waned. I’ve seen some horrible comments, made some harsh ones myself, made some supportive ones, asked some tough questions, etc. I do feel as though some people can’t differentiate and treat any comment questioning you as “asaarggggghh hater, you suck get a life don’t read!!!”

    Is that really what you want? Have you never received a comment that made you think, “yeah. They are right. I made a mistake.” or “i didnt go about this the best way.” Again we’re not talking about the extremes here. I get not wanting the comments that wish cancer upon you. I just wish more blog authors would be explicit about what they want in their environment. Puppies and rainbows and absolutely no negative or questioning comments ever (so i can move along). Or more of a community where you are free to question (though the author would, of course, be free to delete death threats and such). I dunno, I am always slightly suspicious of blogs that moderate any little thing that isn’t absolute, unadulterated praise. And I’m always side-eyeing “fans” that attack well thought out, concise, polite criticism. And on top of that the author does nothing to cool down the minions. Some comments suck. They are mean and unwarranted. Some that question or criticize are not. They shouldn’t be treated the same.

    1. Author

      I think I’m very good about posting comments, the ones that are strictly petty and uncalled for, and also the ones that might sting of truth. I also think I happen to be great at handling well-intentioned criticism, that’s said in the spirit of informative information, a differing perspective or opinion. There’s an enormous difference between “this could have been said stronger, had you written it this way,” or, “here’s something you might not have considered,” or, “This just doesn’t ring true to me because…” and the more judgmental statements. Because when we judge people we’re not trying to help or empathize or offer insight.

      I take writing workshops, for example, not because I want to hear how amazing my writing is. That doesn’t help me. What does help is hearing, “here’s what worked for me and really stuck with me days later, and here’s where I think you could trim stuff, and here’s what seemed cliche and expected and stale, and perhaps you might want to say it this way… and this just made you seem completely unsympathetic, so I’d cut it or figure out a better way to say it.”

      When criticism isn’t laced with contempt, it’s always welcome. Mean-spirited comments (and I make them too, but more often it’s just me being lazy… because it’s far easier to be mean than it is to be truly helpful) are exactly as you’ve stated, unwarranted. And I agree, they’re not at all the same.

      1. You did not post my comment, and it had no contempt for wedge shoes or anything.

  11. Yep, one of the downfalls of the internet is that people don’t have to deal with their own crap anymore. They can just log onto a website and ‘anonymously’ transfer all their issues onto someone else. Why take responsibilty for my own insecurities when I can make you the problem?

    Stalking is irresistable, I totally get it. However, when you find yourself involved in a hate campaign against someone that you swear you don’t care about, a self-check is in order. You are likely the problem, not them. People who lack self-awareness always think their anger and problems are someone else’s fault.

  12. I love the way “anon” says he(?) reads and comments “on occasion.” Does he mean on EVERY occasion? Cause I’m pretty sure he reads all and comments on most, usually something snarky, judgmental, and/or rude.

    Get a life, anon. Clearly, you don’t like Stephanie’s.

    Stephanie, I read all and comment rarely, if ever. I like most of your posts and find all of them interesting/entertaining. I actually don’t find the makeup/clothing posts all that interesting but I never complain or comment cause…it’s your blog. I read it because it’s interesting most of the time.

    Cheers :)

  13. I think the difference is with some of the hater mail, it’s so angry and personal. I don’t know- when I get bored of reading, I just stop reading. I don’t feel the need to tear you down. If you wrote something I really didn’t agree with or struck I’d take the time to write, but I also think you learn as a parent that depending on the words you use decides how well received it will be.

    It seems like there HAS to be something more when it’s a really strong personal, angry, mean attack. There are plenty of Jappy girls out there, probably many of them with blogs. Sure if someone puts themeselves out there that leaves them open for comments but it doesn’t make sense to be SO invested, not even knowing someone whose life doesn’t affect you in the slightest. Beyond that, it’s just creepy.

  14. After so many years, you’re my absolute favorite blogger because I know you are always being as truthful as possible. In a world where people have babies the way they have Etsy shops, an honest, authentic (hate the word, but like the meaning) writer will always win me over.

    You are a rarity: someone who isn’t namby pamby about issues (“I don’t know, what do you guys think?” “Is it just me or…” “Not to be disrespectful…”) but who is also more open to criticism, self and otherwise, than just about any other precious, hipster motherblogger out there. That’s why I’m happier to see a post from you in my RSS feed than 10 from the adorablogger who puts a bird on it in every post and can’t handle anything other than complete adulation.

  15. Thank you Stephanie for the reminder that someone else’s vitriol often says more about them than it does about you. And for the record, I think you are amazing because of your insight and willingness to openly share the good and the bad in your world. Thank you!

    1. Author

      You’re such a love. Miss our good food times. Phil heads to Austin next week (I have food jealousy and I’m in NY!). Where should he eat? If you had to pick your top-five trailers… what a fun game to play…

  16. Hey Stephaine – It is really obvie that this person is jealous, and for the record, just plain old mean. The way you have finessed handling this person is perfection, truly. It makes me laugh every time seeing this person come unglued, but claim to have no interest in you, your life, etc…They reveal themselves every time they post, so the whole aire of anonimity is lost, frankly…classic case of envy between all of the mean things said. For what it’s worth…my two cents.

    1. Michelle –

      I am not jealous or unglued. I find Stephanie entertaining, just like trashy tv. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Perhaps you are just not smart- the spelling in your post supports that theory.

    2. I completely agree with you, Michelle. This ‘Anon’ sounds like a bored, insecure person who gets ‘its’ jollies from trying to make others feel worse than they feel about themself. It is kind of funny, though. Sit and spin, Anon. We enjoy being entertained, too.

  17. I have always been amazed how you handle the haters. I’ve said it before, but that is what has kept me from starting my own blog. One particularly snipey one at me the other week really caught me off guard. I had been using your space to work out some issues I’m having with my aging/sick (precious) parents, and my aging, amazing (precious) darlings. I totally admit I was commandeering the space, and believe I acknowledged that at the time I was doing it.

    So I thought about stopping it.

    And then I realized that was just stupid. I’ve got just as much right to write here as anyone. I don’t write mean or vicious things because I don’t live that way. I aspire to be the nicest person I know. I’m always grateful to see a new post because it’s a launch-pad for my own thoughts.

    However – there is something positive that came out of that mean thing…it did cause me to sit down – for a whole week – and try to write my memoirs. I tried to put it into some reasonable order – some reasonable sense. Broke up one relationship by doing it, cried more tears than I have in my life-time put together, and I was perfectly still for about 6 days (not the most entertaining way to spend a vacation, but whatever).

    I had to get all the way down to the nasty-ass core of the meandering writing through all of the years of being 3 teens’ mom…from newly divorced and scared out of my gourd to sending them all to college last week and for the very first time in my entire life – living alone. Unencumbered by any single thing (well, except the aged P’s and the occasional plea for $ from the darlings). It’s the oddest phenomenon I’ve ever experienced.

    So – I’m grateful for the nasty commenter. I’ve set a new course now – I’ve got the skeleton of the memoir pieced together, and have made a year-long goal of putting that together every day for an hour until it can finally be put away forever.

    Meanwhile, I’ll continue to be a regular commenter on here. I’ve been with you for a long, long time and have a deep interest in your happiness, well-being and that of your sweet fam.

    Rock on, sweet Stephanie.

    1. As I’ve said before, always look forward to your comments, however long they are! Plus I’m happy to help you help yourself to shape a memoir when you’re ready. Is it lover that is gone?

  18. I just don’t think the nasty commenters are writing about you anyway, they think they are – but really it is – like the Scary guy says, it says something about them and where they are in their lives – it does not mean that the meaning of their words belongs to you. They do not have power over you unless you give it to them. Easy to say I guess. I have seen it so often though. The people who are nasty commenters have that nasty judgemental side inside them and are just looking for someone to offload onto, to bully and put down, probably to make themselves feel worthy or superior. But if it is not you it will be someone else, so in that way it is not about you. Take anon for example, she is just a bully who is looking for someone to offload and be nasty to anonymously. She found you and it works to some extent – she knows it upsets you and that she gets noticed. You have made her important because she can irritate you. But if it wasn’t you she would be off on another blog doing the same thing to someone else cos its not about you but her. That’s why I wont ever start a blog as I just don’t want to have hate comments which you can bettya they will come as there are so many other anons out there.

  19. Stephanie, have you seen the indie movie Bachelorette? If not, you MUST watch it tonight (it’s available in the iTunes store, OnDemand, etc.). There’s a terrific lesson in the movie where Kirsten Dunst (who was fabulous in the movie) tells her best friend who’s struggling with haters, “Fcuk Everyone!” Such a perfect mantra when dealing with the jerks, naysayers and Anons in life.

  20. Your post hit home. The world really is full of haters – they’re lurking everywhere. I am, on most days, the poster child for Haters-R-Us. After working 8 years in an online community, I have been driven to the brink of losing faith in humanity. I never thought there were so many assholes out there. I guess I count myself lucky for having great kids, a wonderful husband and a few people I call friends. Working now regaining a positive view of the rest of the world. :)

  21. Yeah, rejection and fear. I seem to remember emailing you way back in 2005 when we shared the same agent, not getting a response, and then ripping into you on my blog. I was pretty angry at the world then, for being poor and having no job and no prospects, despite having an amazing degree and a great deal of energy….. I still feel that the grass is always greener and as I’ve gotten older have had to learn to physically rip myself away from folks’ facebook pages detailing their impeccable lives, and learn to be content with what I have. Which is quite a lot, these days, so isn’t too hard. It’s harder when you have sweet FA and your life’s crumbling. It’s easy to be a buddha when life is good….

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