Since eating eggs on Easter is like feeding a chicken chicken, I’m thinking of serving rabbit at our Passover Seder. It’s very two-birds (one stone), only with fur in lieu of feathers.

Okay, not really. But I’ll tell everyone the chicken is rabbit, just to be cruel. Because most Americans I know tend not to eat pet-like animals. Frogs, rabbits, dogs, cats. Only, people do have pigs as pets (they’re smarter than dogs), and also opt for bacon with their Rootie Tootie. So, nix that. I might just go ahead and get my Bugs B on.

This first night of Passover will be plentiful, a table of family and close friends. Along with the obligatory constipation, this Passover I’ll also be making some traditional dishes: matzo ball soup (with nutmeg and dill). Do people eat kugel on this holiday? You know, egg noodles or something? Nothing “risen.” Because you’ve gotta have something sweet on the table to counterbalance bitter herbs and horseradish. And while ground nuts and fruits (Charoset) might sound like a good time to some, to me it sounds like wasted good-time calories. Matzo s’mores and Matzo toffee sound like the way to go.

Also, in the spirit of celebrating the Israelites’ liberation from Egyptian bondage, I vow to partake in our own little bondage session. Because anything involving tying up Phil is a good thing.