jcrew spring 2011

No, seriously. You can’t have meant to have any of us trotting about town looking like a Ukrainian Easter egg. These pink flood pants coupled with a net-cast lavender number, all draped with a paper bag of a coat. Those yellow shoes, socks with strappy sandals. What, my God, is the fashion world coming to?

Truth: I actually like the yellow shorts. It’s just my hips and abs, see, that want to suffocate the ruffle-happy, big bird designer dead. Clown suspenders, sequin tanks and cropped pants the color of poop with carrot shavings – not winning any hearts.

But let’s look up. Numero Uno, cableknit cardi, yes. Scarf, love. My first choice. Numero dos, the linen-like button-down, half done, half tucked, a seaside sweeping leg, cuffed and neat: I like it. No one could actually wear this in public without a nipple slip, but nice try. Number 3 is as far as I’d go, though I haven’t been able to fully embrace the whole short boot look. With an ankle showing, yes, but that mid-calf look isn’t doing anyone any favors. Flip-flops give it a thumbs up.

How can I properly diet if I have nothing for which to look forward? I mean seriously. J.Clown, you need to get your opening act together.