i’ll gladly trade you mighty boobs on tuesday, for a leg up today

6a00d8341c587753ef00e54f0544b98833-500wi I’ve been compiling video footage, transferring things to DVD, all very mundane. Press clippings, TV Food Network appearance, 20/20, etc. Work-related. So while I was digging through video, I figured, "Those grandparents deserve a nice treat." I’m thoughtful on God’s day of rest. I attempted to make a compilation of greatest bean moments (kids sucking on blocks) and create a DVD for the families. This was all working beautifully, until the Mac program iDVD crapped out, freezing my MacBook Pro. This leads me into forums searching for things like "freeze" and "not loading." Not fun.

Which brings me to today, a gloriously craptastic day filled with crapjacks for everyone. Since I’d promised to get the work-related footage out the door by Monday, I was pressed to burn something, and had to get the program to work. Hence, I camped out at the Mac store (before it even opened) without an appointment. I’d tried to make one online, but all the stores in Austin were booked.

The Genius Bar wasn’t very genius at all. I was brutally rebuffed. "Not without an appointment, and Sunday is our busiest day…" the hipster boyman said. "If you maybe come back in two hours, we might be able to squeeze you in, but probably not." Die.

I left the mall deflated, craving Thai pizza. I drove to another Apple store to beg. I phoned Phil to let him know I was still on the move. It was 11AM. I’d left the house at 10AM. The babies would be up at noon for lunch. I really wanted to be back, to relieve Phil and give him a break, since I’d spent ALL DAY SATURDAY TRYING TO BURN AND CREATE DVDS. I let Phil know I was on my way to The Domain (a fancy shopping center), and that there would soon be begging, to which he responded, "Do me a favor?"  I didn’t say anything. "Undo your top button."

The very first thing I thought when he said it: Oh, snap. He’s remembering that I wore this PINK (as in Thomas) pink button-down, and he noticed the one "mighty button" struggling to keep my boobs contained. The fabric was pulling. But I had left the house in such a hurry, Phil didn’t have a chance to say, "You’re not seriously going to wear that, are you?" So now he was telling me to just undo it. Ooooh, then it clicked. It wasn’t about my one mighty button at all. It was about showing off my mighty boobs, to get a leg up at the Genius bar. It was a genius plan, indeed.

While I didn’t have an appointment, and while they were completely booked, I still managed to get serviced (without unbuttoning). Though a smile always helps. Then after 4 HOURS at the bar, I filled out paperwork, and they took away my computer. "It’s a hardware problem, but we don’t know what it is." Sadly, even the mightiest of power, shift, and esc buttons couldn’t fix things.

*As an aside, there’s nothing worse than a woman wearing a top that’s too small. Where the fabric around the bust pulls. It makes you look twenty pounds heavier. Mine only really buckled when I stood with my shoulders pulled back.  It’s a shirt I shouldn’t wear until I lose another ten pounds.



  1. lol! I love that Phil was all about sharing his woman's boobs!
    I know what you mean about the pulling buttons- I get dressed after feeding my Blake, and by the time I am done shopping/running errands, I am back to engorgement. Within a full hour, I go from pancake flat to a melon bulge.

  2. I'm up with a fussy baby now so this was a welcome read.
    I swear Phil is funny as f*ck and sorry…just, yeah.

    On another note I like how you take the time to archive everything not just for you and Phil but everyone who is not able to see the babes regularly. It inspires me to do the same for my family (and in laws). Thanks for the kick in the ass.

  3. …engorgment…i had the worse time of it with that phase. my boobs, normally, are nothing exciting…yet, for a few months there, i had a GREAT set. sadly, when i was about to return to work, and tried to partially wean my daughter, i did it too quick, an ddried up. BUT, before that, i had days when i serioulsy thought my boobs were going to explode onto the windshield when i was out and about. ugh! i really miss breast feeding…

  4. If I knew you were coming by with an issue I'd have made sure to make the time. Love your blog, your writing and outlook on everything. Straight Up & Dirty helped me to be a better boyfriend. Thanks.

  5. I was always the most boobalicious in our family growing up – then my daughter took over that illustrious honor – she's the boobalicious-est. My youngest daughter used to whine about being flat as a pancake – until this year, and suddenly she's joined the ranks of the well endowed.

    On the flip side, when my grandma was in her late 80's, she was diagnosed with breast cancer – and she told the doctor to 'lop those bad boys off', they were a damned hassle anyway.

    I'm in that 40-ish year old phase of remembering how cute and perky they were once (pre babies), but not yet willing to lop them off for being a damned hassle.

  6. I am new to the blog and was looking at your old photos. You look extremely thin there – one called "no makeup" especially. I have pre baby shots of myself that are really thin too, but I am convinced that after a baby, your body is forever changed.

    FROM SK: That "no makeup" photo was taken right after I split from THE WASBAND. I weighed 118 pounds in that photo. I now weigh 138 pounds. I'm hoping to get to 128, which seems good for me.

  7. I read this post REALLY fast. I started to laugh because I couldn't believe the guy at the MAC store told you to unbutton your top to get service. Hey- I'd just watched One Tree Hill where the higher-up record exec asked Peyton to unbutton one to get one of her bands listened to…

    Anyway, I def would have used my rack to get service, but glad you didn't have to…And I totally agree about the pulling. At times, when I was about 20 lbs heavier, I had a permanent safety pin between buttons on many a button-down. It isn't just your weight or size of boobs though- it's poor design…buttons spaced too far apart, slippery fabric, and loose button-holes.

    Hope all ends up ok with the computer.

  8. hi stephanie;
    i've been reading your blog for quite some time. your babies are beautiful and your life is too. i have a quick question: i was trying to find the post in which you list the store where you bought your peacock feather necklace. is it possible for you to tell me which store you bought it? i can't find the original post. thanks

    FROM SK: The post is titled, "the family jewels" and it's in the "being a girl" category.


  9. So envious of you voluptuous ladies. Even when breastfeeding twins my A cups barely runneth-ed over!! To his credit, my husband, a breast man (is there a guy who isn't?), when I asked what he thought about getting "enhancements" someday said, "Why? They work, don't they?" Touche.

  10. Ten pounds or not, Pink shirts are ALWAYS tight in the boobs! It's like a design flaw! You have to keep like five buttons unbuttoned to let the chest settle!

    I've had about six macs up and die on me (yet another design flaw, it seems) for no reason and cause me many a computer-related breakdowns, but it STILL doesn't deter me from buying new ones. That is brand loyalty….

  11. Not to ask a stupid question, but I don't wanna assume anything-will you be starting your tour here in Austin? It was great meeting you last year and would love to have another book signed..

    FROM SK: Yup. BookPeople May 27th, 7pm. Hee Haw!

  12. Major deja-vu reading this post. Many years ago, ok if you insist, 30, my best girlfriend in high school was sent to the dean for unexused absences which results in detention.As she left homeroom I told her to unzip the sweater just a little more. She came back and flashed the thumbs up sign. Some things, actually 2 things will never change! Regards, Bonnie

  13. I can relate, having experienced recent home- video-related computer trauma that resulted in multiple trips to the Genius Bar. Glad you managed to see someone! That kinds of trouble is so frustrating and sucks up so much time.

  14. stephanie, this is random. first, i love your blog. i have twins who are 14 months old. second, i went to elementary school with you. north side. when you mentioned julie tesser, i knew i knew you. i'm also in austin. small world!

    FROM SK: Wow, that really is a small world! We'll have to get the tots together. I vaguely remember you, but might be confusing you with Alyssa Tenenbaum

  15. I know you'll be touring in NYC, but any chance that you'll come to LI as well (while you're visiting family, perhaps??) I called Borders in Syosset and Book Revue in Huntington, but neither place returned my calls. Hmph!

    FROM SK: Actually, yes. I will be making an appearance on Long Island. Most likely Great Neck or Manhasset. Dates to come very soon!

  16. You're not still nursing, are you? I thought you'd weaned a while ago.

    I think Stephanie's boobs are just mighty in and of themselves. Lucky girl!

    FROM SK: No, definitely not still nursing. I lasted for close to 4 months (nursing 2!). And it was a nightmare.

  17. I called the Borders here in Providence to try to get you here for a reading, any luck??

    FROM SK: Go to eventful.com and demand me. Right now, I'm not scheduled for RI.

  18. I demanded you in LA on eventful.com. I would love to hear you do a reading out here. I'm crossing my fingers.

  19. Ok, did.
    I just read the summary for Moose there and it sounds amazing. I seriously can't wait. Is that the cover?
    PS. To any RI readers call the Providence Borders and speak to Jane Flowers (events) about trying to get Stephanie here!

  20. Ooo I love Thomas Pink. I bought a tie for my husband and he loves it. Now I need to think about ME–I can't believe I didn't think about Thomas Pink for ME.

    Now, onto YOU—will you be in Minneapolis/St. Paul? I checked eventful and B&N but I couldn't find you.

    FROM SK: You need to search for STEPHANIE KLEIN and select PERFORMERS not events.

  21. i'm so excited you're coming to Miami!!!!! may 30, on my calendar!!!! yaaaay!!

    by the way, i have also had nightmarish experiences with the genius bar, and it was just to fix the plastic that had chipped on my keyboard. it is virtually impossible to make appointments for the weekend because they ONLY let you make them online or in person, and they ONLY open the appointments 2 days ahead of time. i did the same thing you did, went without an appt and sat there, only i didn't think to unbutton and i huffed about it the whole time. i was such a bitch about it, i thought they would take my computer and take turns smashing it with a hammer so that when i came to pick it up, they couldn't find it or something. it almost made me want to turn around and ask for it back.

  22. I just demanded you in Washington, DC!

    FROM SK: DC is a definite possibility. I was just hoping to do a cocktail party/ reading there, instead of the usual bookstore. But for that to happen, I'd need to know approximately 60 people would be there. Then they'll get books to the event. Some companies do this kind of thing for employees. Need to figure this out.

  23. Funny post. I too was at the Apple store at the Domain on Sunday begging for service. Fortunately they fit me in…unfortunately my hard drive was fried and I lost all my data. I'll have to keep the top button in mind to speed things up next time, although I think a lot of the boys that work there would not be motivated by boobs. = )

  24. This is so frustrating! I want to jump on the bandwagon and ask you if you're coming to such-and-such city and "demand you" to my local bookstore, but… I'm graduating college in May and have no idea where I'm going to be. (which is really freaking me out.) Hopefully it will be New York though and it's quite obvious you'll be going there… This also means however that I cannot pre-order Moose because I have no idea what my address will be in May. Crazy.

    Okay, enough of that. Anyway, I hope all is going well and that your computer problems are being resolved.

  25. ok… i just went to eventful and requested you come to portland, oregon. i'm commenting in the hopes that other people who read your blog in portland will do the same… i would LOVE to see you here!

    this post cracked me up. i love people who don't take themselves so seriously that they are willing to unbutton a little to get what they want. so worth it (and entertaining to see how simple it is)! thanks for the laugh! i hope to see you in portland soon!

    FROM SK: No Portland yet, but if enough people want it, that might change.

  26. Hi Stephanie,
    I just wanted to say hi. I do from time to time comment or email you.
    I was on another blog and they pointed out that those who come by, are reading their lives and never introduce themselves.
    Sorry for sometimes being a peeping tom. So, I'm walking up to the door to knock and say, hi stephanie. i'm sarah. i've been reading your blog probably 3 years? maybe. Bought your book, prayed for you, still pray for you and the kids. smile, laugh and tear up with your stories. So. Hi.

    FROM SK: How very sweet. Hi to you. And thank you for your support.

  27. I work at a huge university where I can do any and all advertising necessary to get you to 60 people.
    Let me know what I can do to help get you to DC!

    FROM SK: Woo hoo. Now we're talking. I'll email you.

  28. Hey Buffy,
    I just got it! Whimpy right? Stephanie, your ever-growing book tour sounds like it's going to be amazing, that's great!

  29. Damn! I love the cover for MOOSE. Makes your head go round with thoughts of camp, youth, self image, quiet. Can't wait for it.

    See you in D.C. hopefully.

  30. I just saw your youtube reading video. Did they have to call the fire marshall due to too many people? Girl you packed the house!

    From SK: Ha! I was going to post that video on the blog with the official announcement of tour dates. You sneaky woman, you.

  31. Any chance you'll be making an appearance in Boston??

    FROM SK: Sadly I don't think so. They have me on a really tight schedule. Unless there's national press there, it likely won't happen. :(

  32. Will Phil and the twins be making the tour as well? Would love to pinch some cheeks…oh, and the twins as well. See you in L.A.

  33. I've never been to a cocktail party / reading / book signing. That's something my book club girls and I would love! Is it too late to set something up like that in NYC?

    FROM SK: For my NYC reading, I'm sticking with Borders in Columbus Circle because it was great last time. I'll be announcing an after party location at the reading… where we'll drink our adult beverages properly this time (last time I was pregs, drinking Maternatinis).

  34. Do you know your NYC dates yet?

    Can you also pinpoint me to the craft-robo machine that Phil got you? I google it and I come to a whole variety of them.

    I know you've mentioned this in the past, but I'm way obsessed with Jolee's stickers!

    FROM SK: It's the silhouette machine. And my NYC date:

  35. I also demanded you on eventful.com – and will mark down June 2nd on my calendar! Yeah! I'm happy to round up a posse of girlfriends as well… and I work in PR, so I really know how to shake the trees for people to attend.

  36. "As an aside, there's nothing worse than a woman wearing a top that's too small. Where the fabric around the bust pulls. It makes you look twenty pounds heavier."

    That's not always true, actually. Sometimes, it's one of the hottest looks, ever. Depends on the girl.

  37. But of course.. it's in the video!!

    Sorry about that.. Love the cover and can't, can't, can't wait to read it and see all your old pictures from camp!! :)

  38. following up: easy confusion. alyssa tennenbaum was my best friend and lived behind me in albertson. we were both little brunettes who were the only girls on our soccer team. i moved to florida the summer before 4th grade.

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