Someone once said to me in the comment section of this blog that this would happen every time. I wasn’t sure if it were true. Last time, when my father and Carol were here, I cried for two days after they left. Then I got my period. I explained it away. It’s happened again. I didn’t think it would. I just walked into the guest room where they had been staying. They re-made the bed. Their towels were hanging. The white tank I lent Smelly, hanging, alone, on a wooden hanger. Everything else is gone.
The bathroom no longer hosts their makeup and hair bands. There’s a trash pail with tissues. It’s all that’s left. I start to cry. I miss my friends, and when I see them for the first time, I realize how much. But now that they’re gone, it’s not about realizing. All I do is feel it. I miss my friends and their stories and particular ways of doing things. I miss Smelly’s laugh and Amy’s facial expressions. I had the most wonderful time with them while they were here, and it hurts now. It’s not homesick because I don’t miss New York, not really. I miss, very deeply, my friends. And I can’t stop crying. It’s not rational, of course. I mean, I’ll be in New York in June. And then again in August, but right now, it’s all I feel. I want so much to play tennis with them again. To run our drills and give each other pointers, to drive with the top down, to pass approval hoping to narrow down our shoe selections, sharing sushi and stories. I miss them so much.
If this is to happen each and every time someone visits, I’m not allowing any more guests. Okay, that’s not true at all. But I swear to God… you know what it’s like? It’s like a break up. I just went through their garbage. I’m not kidding. There was a shopping bag beside the garbage pail filled with empty shoe boxes. I wanted to double check it, to ensure they hadn’t mistakenly left something behind. And here’s the fucked up bit: there were some magazines at the bottom of the bag. Magazines I’d never read. In Touch, US Weekly, and a host of other tabloids. I pulled them from the bag and put them on my coffee table. Knowing they read these makes me feel closer to them. And it’s kind of psycho… like the kind of nut who saves someone’s tissue because they know it was used by them. I’m not that bad, but I’m definitely clinging on, wishing, so much, that they were still here, that we could live our lives together for the rest of them. Close. I mean who hasn’t had those hopes? The hope of, “we’ll all live next door and have barbecues and all our kids will play together.” And then next, after all the husbands and boys die off (God-forbid, but if that happens…) we’ll all have each other, to have and to hold, Golden Girls with more closet space. I just miss them so much.
Here’s what I think I miss most. I have a handful of wonderful friends here, but they’ve all known me as married. They’re not friends who knew me single and miserable. Forget not sharing the history together. It’s more than that. It’s missing friends who love you for you, not for “you and Phil.” They know me as Stephanie. Just Stephanie, not part of something else. And I miss that. I am of course happy I’m part of something else, something bigger than just myself. Of course I am. I do miss the girl time though, the sharing of stories and fears. The encouragement and laughter. It’s what’s missing from my life now, a pack of girls. And it makes me incredibly sad. I have to make much more of an effort to get out with other women. To feel comfortable enough to bring both my children along. It’s frightening meeting women out with babies. I worry they’ll cry the whole time, that I’ll apologize too often. But I need to do it. For me.
And although my girls are gone, their shoes are here. It seems there was no room in their bags for their new purchases, so I’m FedExing their things tomorrow. Five pairs each, I think. We broke them in at The Broken Spoke, where real cowboys (complete with hats, belts, boots, and jokes about “toe-trucks,” not to be confused with tow trucks) asked my friends to dance. Phil stepped on my toe. There’s a reason we chose not to have dancing at our wedding. We’re determined though to learn, here at home, because it was fun. Texan waltz, Polka, Progressive Two-Step. I loved The Broken Spoke, loved seeing couples in their seventies still doing their thing. It’s polite and chivalrous, where a man can ask for a dance and want only that. The cowboys we met were all polite, offering to teach us the steps. Our shoes were broken in. Here are the photos to prove it:
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I've never commented before but I just want to tell you that I was happy to see a few pictures of you again, and I think you should be proud of how beautiful you look after having two babies and such a hectic life! You and Phil also look great together :-)
Awesome photos Stephanie! :-) Thanks for sharing them with all of us. Showing good times with friends, had me smiling.
3T
Hey, every momma needs a break to be with her friends sometimes!
wow.you really encapsulate feelings…and pull out the small parts to life, that but for, we would not be who we are.
but the best part about reading your blog and listening to your brutal honesty is i can join you in what your feeling…and remind myself of the important things in life that i take for granted at times.
thanks for being open and unselfish.
Looks like it was lots of fun. I miss the Broken Spoke–we had many a fun time there. There is definitely nothing up here in DC with the same atmosphere and sense of just fun and dancing.
As for friends, I know what you mean. For me, it's the opposite (location anyway). My friends that knew me as single and then when I first met my husband are all in Austin. I usually go down there to visit and cry when I leave! :-)
how happy you look with your friends!!! it makes me feel sad to know that YOU are so sad now that they are gone! the pics are awesome! you can feel the love in them!! i think you should put the solo one of you in moose! it captures your sassiness!! tres chic, mama!
have you joined any moms' groups? or moms of twins' groups? or taken a gymboree class?
from what im told it is very very hard to get out of the house with twins but the truth is, you have to start meeting other moms. they know what you are going through, they are your new life. it has been very very very hard for me to accept, after 3 years, that mom friends are my new life and that they may not be the people i would have chosen while living in manhattan. but as the twins get older you need to make these friends more and more because the kids need the socializing and you will go insane with out a new pack. im still searching for the pack.
and did you say you got your period – spontaneously? twice? that actually just happened to me, after a period of stress. that's a little scary. my shrink said it's caused by extreme emotional duress.
FROM STEPHANIE: The babies are just now officially allowed out of the house. So I really should join one of these groups I guess. But it does feel weird to me to join a twins group. I don't know why. Perhaps that feeling of, "I don't need your help!" Which is of course total bullshit, but still… joining a group like that makes me feel like a failure, or maybe like… I don't know what. I know it shouldn't. As for a baby class… I really want to teach our infants to swim. I need to look into this. I'd much rather meet other mothers through activities, rather than joining some random group that meets once every three months.
I'm single and don't have kids, and I have friends who are married, friends married with kids, single mom friends, and friends "living in sin".
I hang out with all of them, and all variations of Their People. I warn them if I want time with them that's just us, and they warn me if they'll be bringing part or all of their crew. I've gotten rides to train stations from husbands, toddler kisses, newborn smiles, and it's all good enough for me.
My point is, don't think people won't want to meet you because you have kids. The more comfortable you are lugging the kids around, the more comfortable it'd make somebody like me to say, "Gimme a baby" and help you keep them content so we can chat.
I have handed my friends crying babies back to them saying, "I think I broke it, can you fix?" and I just go into each get together knowing they may need to bail out early if their kid freaks out. Go forth and grab yourself some friends.
Stephanie, you look great. Especially after having twins – looks like you didn't skip a beauty beat since NYC.
If it makes sense, I think I speak for those of us who read your book and know you as the emotional, cool, funny, snarky, say it as you see it girl from Manhattan. We've just been getting to know you "and Phil" now. You are who we relate to.
Maybe it's harder when people are leaving you. I am sure that it hurt as much and you missed them as much when you left them, but now you're the one left behind. Perhaps when you left NY they mourned your departure the same way. Though, maybe you didn't leave anything tangible behind.
You recognize that your life in Austin is pretty damned great, but when you're the one left behind, it seems worse somehow.
First of all, you look gorgeous and vibrant!! Motherhood definitely agrees with you.
Regarding missing the girl time and missing friends….I totally understand. I was in a sorority during college and loved every minute…even the meetings. I loved "being with the girls" and going to grab coffee, shopping, etc. My current best friend is my best friend from college and we still have a great friendship! We live about an hour away from eachother and I still miss her! I think it is so important to value your female friends and to maintain friendships from different periods in your life as you move forward.
Green-great comment. I'm always wondering how to act with my friends with kids. How not to alienate them, but still keep my own comfort zone.
Hey Mama. I haven't commented in a while but I have kept up (of course) and today's post really touched me. I remember commenting about missing my friends who had all moved away and you were like get out there and make new ones. So I did. But now they only know me as Cece and "the mister" I miss my girls who knew me before then. Who were there in the beginning. So go ahead and cry its fine. I don't cry but I do miss having a best friend who's accessibe immediately. One that plans aren't really needed so much as they are implied. But the friends I have now do fill a void and I guess I just have to be my own best friend.
PS You look great!!
I haven't looked at your photos as I jumped to comment. But these feelings abound, and they do with great frequency, for at least the first few years.
I recall arriving in a new town to pursue my graduate degree, father by my side, the two of us dining on Wendy's while sitting on the only furniture that had arrived: two comforters from the back of my '96 Sentra. He would soon leave, friends were everywhere else, and I ached.
You are more established, of course, but in a way your roots are elsewhere. You haven't had even a moment to begin your life in Austin. That will come.
Until then, I hope you allow yourself the time to miss these wonderful women — just experiencing these feelings should remind you of the beautiful connections you are able to establish. They will come, but of course not replace the others, in Austin. As with a Syrah hangover, it's all about time.
Cheers, S.
It sounds like you had a wonderful time with your friends. I know what you mean about having friends who have known you at your best and worst—there is something very comforting about that. You look beautiful and very happy in the pictures. Thank you for your blog.
I hate you!! You made me cry!! The same thing happens to me. I cry when my sisters leave, when my camp friends leave, my college friends. I think we are crying because we have grown up and we are adults now, with real responsibilities and our own families. I cry because I wish I could live with my family again in one big house. As I mature I cry, I wish so bad that sometimes I could be young again…I could sleep in bed with my sisters…that they would never leave. I loved your post. You said it so perfectly. It scares me how much we think alike. It will be ok. I know the feeling of a lonely extra bedroom, it had so much life just hours before. It will pass and you created so many great memories this weekend. I know how you are feeling…I know, when my guests leave, I cry, get so depressed and never want anyone here again because I can't deal with the sadness in them leaving me!!
First let me say how great you look!
I think its normal to feel like you do and miss your friends. They knew you when you were down and going through a tough period in your life and they have always been there and been huge part of your life. Yeah, it does feel like a breakup but they are still there…just a phonecall and a quick flight away…
Lots of hugs
sorry to overpost but i would say that these groups (not just twins groups but new mom groups) never made me feel like a failure. they just give you company and people to kvetch to. im not sure the infants can do any water things yet but there's all those infant yoga classes, infant massage classes soooo many of those things. again it has been hard for me but you do make new friends and there are on the same page as you with what you're doing etc. i also met some nutjobs but i met them at work too
You look so great! I can't believe you had twins just a few months ago. All this sweet talk about friends has me missing mine now. I can definitely relate.
It looks like you had a wonderful time! You definitely deserve it. :)
I completely understand missing the 'girl time'. I don't really get to hang out with my old friends… the ones who knew me before "I" became a "we". I sometimes miss those days. One friend moved far away, the others… well, we've drifted apart. If I lived closer, you having kids certainly wouldn't scare me away. :)
I cry like a baby every single time one of my good friends leave. When my sweet mother-in-law goes home … I can only imagine what I will be like when my oldest heads off to college … I think its a good thing. I am glad that I can still miss them so much – even though my life is so full of different things …
You look absolutely wonderful. I would love to know where you got the brown(ish) top in picture 6486 (2nd page, 1 photo from the end). I love the color and style and think I could (maybe, maybe, maybe) pull it off!
So glad to see you out and about — and girl, that husband of yours looks good too – wink :)
FROM STEPHANIE: That top is by MIGUELINA HONEYMOON. I don't think you'll find it online, as it's from last summer. I saw one on ebay, but the item is no longer available. I bought it at Bergdorf Goodman last summer, then saw it at By George here in Austin. I also bought the dress (looks similar) for Kelly's wedding.
Two and a half years later, my heart still truly aches to be in the house only one street away from my very best friend. I could almost talk myself into moving back to Florida just to be near her. She's the one who gets me. I don't have to explain anything to her. She knows when to quote something funny from our past or to make a silly reference to one of our many adventures. She keeps my head above water when I start to sink into the bottomless pit of being a mother and a wife. She's my non-sexual soul mate and life partner. Making the decision to move was the best decision for our whole family and one that I don't regret for a second – but that sure doesn't make me miss her any less.
WOW, you look awesome Stephanie! I had to double-check and make sure I wasn't seeing old pics you had posted from pre-pregnancy days. You look amazing and so happy! Thanks for sharing with us. P.S. – is it as hot in Austin as it is in Florida??! It's dreadful here.
You look amazing Stephanie! The pictures are lovely, very inspiring. It's so understandable to feel sad when your dear friends go back home. Everything is so concentrated in the few days that they visit, and then it's over, they have to head home. I must say that it's fortunate to even have such a group of friends, though they do live far away.
Keep posting pics! It's always wonderful to read your insightful and meaningful posts.
It´s good to see you again, to put a more-tanned face to all the new stories and adventures. You look happy. Missing friends is normal, that´s why I don´t think I could ever move so far away like that.
I just read this in the Wash Post, and I thought of you and all the abuse you've withstood in your blog life. It's sad that creeps can silence women with their threats. Anyway, thought you might find it interesting.
Great pics! You look wonderful too. I remember all too well moving away from my life-long friends, my family, my life. And I only moved a couple of counties away!! :) It was VERY hard to meet people and like you, I'm not a 'joiner' either. I never joined a mommy and me group or a gymboree. My oldest was way wild and I couldn't STAND the looks of judgement that came my way because my kid was more interested in the electrical sockets than he was in the puppet show going on. Eventually, I just ended up connecting with a mom in the park who had a child with a similar temperament to my son's and we clicked. Through her, I met the circle of friends I have now. It's hard to imagine now, but once the beans go to pre-school and get involved in more activities, you'll meet more people. Funny thing though, I still differentiate between my 'mommy friends' and my life-long friends. The best way to describe the 'new' friends you'll make is comparing it to meeting people at work. At work, you spend a lot more time with these people than you do with your own family so you get along, make nice, maybe actually enjoy one or two people enough to hang with outside of work. However, these new people never, ever are 'the ones' we have at our core. Thing is, through all of these people that come and go, you're bound to find one (and one is all we need), who will find a way to your heart like the ones you have 'back home'. PS… it IS hard to get out with two of them. I found it easier when they were younger. Once they started moving… forget it! Only now, at almost 3, am I able to take them out for small stretches in a non-contained area
you look fantastic!
To echo everyone else, you look great. Whenever you post pix of your friends, I'm reminded of a scene from "Manhattan". Diane Keaton & Woody Allen are walking together and Diane Keaton is talking about her friends, referring to 2 of them in the same sentence as "geniuses." Woody Allen says, "You seem to know a lot of geniuses. You should get to know some stupid people." All your friends are gorgeous! You should get to know some ugly people! :)
I agree that you should join a group w/ Abigail and Lucas. It doesn't make you a failure at all. It will be good for you to get out and see that other moms are going through the same things that you are. And, I can assure you, if your babies are crying, others will be crying to. Babies tend to do that. It's not embarrassing – especially not in a mommy/baby group. It's almost expected.
When my oldest was 8 mos, I put a note in our building's newsletter about wanting to start a playgroup. I got a call w/in the week. We started w/ 2 moms and grew to about 5, then 8, then about 12, at one point. We met once a wk in one another's apts and in parks on nice days. Once a month, just the mommies went out for dinner, and we'd always stay out for HOURS. Good times. Some of us clicked more than others, but it was such a needed thing for me – for all of us. Eventually, we all moved to Long Island, and still got together, although not as many of us, and not as often. However, the first one I met is still one of my closest friends, and our kids, 15 yrs later, are still extremely close too. Try it. What do you have to lose?
I get sad because all my friends are marrying off, and leaving the single ones to fend for themselves. Of course, the better of the friends are keen enough to totally keep in fantastic touch with us. But it's very very different now. And now, babies. And us, solo, alone, somewhat sad, but searching for more.
This was of course, a touching post. What a fun weekend you all had, and so good for you to see your friends. Your friend Kelly (is that the tall one, who got married in the Caribbean?- is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. She always looks so great in your photos. She should be a movie star. seriously.
Just had to say: you have NEVER read US or InTouch? I don't quite understand that? I mean, you know so much about tv and movies, as per your posts. It's funny. You must pick them up sometime, if only for $hits and giggles.
For the first time I didnt read the other comments today. Because, well, I know it's all compliments and, well, I hate you! Bitch, you look gorgeous.
I know saying this isnt going to help you feel any better about yourself, but stop hiding in that house of yours!
Get out and meet people. There is no reason anything should be holding you back now. Be more confident, the right ones will find you, Stephanie.
The ones who are more like you, blunt and real, who you can laugh with.
Trust me. They have a way of seeking you out just like you're seeking them.
Im not sure what the current nanny status is, but have you ever considered sending the babies to a Or a montessori school? or daycare that offers private education?
One that extends up through preschool?
I can give you the name of where I send mine, and have sent mine since he was 6 months old. The same teachers have been with him since he was that young, as they rotate them in classes. It's actually quite wonderful. Their preschool program is equivalent kindergarten.
I look at it as kind of buying a little extra time for my little one when he turns 18. Maybe take off a year, travel, see what he truly wants to do before starting college.
Of course, private education is expensive as fuck but it's worth it.
And there are a lot of moms who are SAH moms and send their kids there half days for the socializing and teaching.
You can meet other parents this way.
I still say join a gym, take a funk aerobics class, or a yoga class there. You'll meet other people, some might be moms, some might not be.
I dont think your life HAS to be friends who are only moms. That's kind of silly. Most of my close gfs arent moms, and because they arent moms they absolutely eat my kid up when they see him, and lavish him with attention and love.
That's too cute how you checked back over the guest rooms after they left. It's not psycho, these girls were your family. They'll always be in your life and just wait until they have kids. You will be bursting at the seams with excitement for them, and when you finally hold their little ones, oh man, nothing is as bonding. So dont be sad. You have a lot more memories with them to come.
Fantastic pics. Phil's so cute.
It's too quiet and empty when people you love are gone…I do the same thing. I walk into the room and think, "they were just here yesterday and all their things were here, now it's empty again". Weren't your single girlfriends really your "family" for so long anyway? I always look the room over, hoping someone forgot something little that I can touch and see and it sorta seems like they are still there.
This just happened to me. I was in Chicago visiting college friends and when I leave them after a visit, it still breaks my heart. On the other hand, its nice to know those bonds don't fade, even over time and distance.
Your post was perfectly timed for me. I just left a girls' weekend that reunited my college group of friends, some of whom I hadn't seen since our wedding. I really do believe that it is a gift when you immediately pick up where you left off with old friends whom you haven't seen in years.
I loved this post. The part about wanting to live next door to your friends and have bbq's really resonated with me. I'm single but one of my life-long girlfriends is married, pregnant and living back in our 'hometown'. When I see her and her husband and think of their (coming) son, I want that… I want to have a family and live next door and raise our babies together… I think most of us have wanted this sort of thing at one point.
Two more things:
I read those trashy mags too and love em. They keep me going at the gym when I am sweating like a stinky pig and want to get off the stairmaster. They're great.
Second, I just checked out Lisa's link. While i know this has nothing to do with your blog, I was just in HHI this weekend too!
What a small world. You have readers everywhere!
I moved to Germany last year (was formerly an Upper West Sider but grew up in California). It broke my heart how many of my close friends just didn't have the time or energy to stay in touch. When you're halfway across the world, trying to live in a country in which you barely speak the language and know only a handful of people, the loneliness is so palpable that you feel like you've disappeared completely.
At least Texas and New York are close enough for an easy plane ride.
Hi Stephanie,
Thanks so much for the fun photos. When I reached the last photo, I'm disappointed 'cause I want to see more!! You look great, you must be doing something right! You are lucky to be going to NY in June, something great to look forward to. Take care.
Thanks for the info. Stephanie!!
I think I am hooked now :) I have been googling MIGUELINA (Honeymoon or not .. did you read how the Honeymoon line came about – sweet!) all day now … I think I will find some sort of lovely Mothers Day frock. Thanks again.
What a GREAT post! You all look so happy…and I must say — could it even be POSSIBLE?! — but you and Phil look glowing and happier than ever.
Also loved that picture of your friend dancing with "a native."
Keep on doing what you are doing … living and loving your life and sharing it with us: your TRULY interested and caring "Fan Base"!
Love to all of you (oh! I have been savoring all the updated photos of the Beans … my "Baby Boy" turns 20 on May 11th!!!)
Much love to you today & always,
Kathi
So I know you get flack for "fawning'" readers but I am only saying this honestly — you look GREAT! Thin and healthy and pretty. Hopefully you see it too! Sounds like the visit was lovely, its the best when visiting with old friends and things just click all over again as if time and distance hasn't passed.
fun, fun, fun. i love those girlfriends…the ones that know you at your worst and still love you…well, isn't that the definition of friendship? sometimes there's just nothing like a little girl time with those kindred spirits!!
i move alot so i am constantly departing my friends. i never really thought of why i miss them so much at times…other than the obvious. your spin on it rings quite true!
Beautiful pics!
Posting a second time, just had to agree with Frannie that the Muguelina top is beautiful! I checked out the line of clothes on Neimanmarcus.com, and…wow, expensive. I guess that's the price to pay for beautiful clothing though ;) Any tips from anyone about finding those kinds of clothes a little cheaper (I guess ebay would be the first place to try)?
One more thing about friends – it really is incredibly bittersweet to be left alone after everyone leaves, whether in a new country (as "c" pointed out above) or in a new place. It's overwhelming sometimes, and takes a while to work through. Stephanie, I'm glad you'll be seeing your friends again in NYC soon, and I hope they'll visit you soon back in Austin.
Cowboys are the best to dance with. Especially the old men. They are courteous, respectful, and really know how to lead. :) And of course, don't expect anything, like you said. Its just a dance. I'm so glad you're getting to soak up some of the culture! haha. Thanks for sharing about the girlfriends, too. As a single girl, its nice to be reminded to enjoy this time while I've got it, with my pack of girls! Have a great week!!
It looks like you had an amazing weekend with your gfs, from start to finish. Girl time is important and you never lose that bond with those to whom you remain so close!
Joining a gym might be great for you, you can meet all kinds of people, try different classes and just get yourself out there! Enjoy those babies, they are absolutely precious. My oldest turns 12 in June, and believe everyone when they say, cherish this time because it certainly flies by!
It's good to see you back with your friends. You really look happy. How's Kim G? Tell her I said hello.
Yup, geography can be cruel sometimes…
I live in NYC now and all of my friends live on the west coast. Sucks!
My comments never seem to make it to your page….am I blacklisted?
Hey Stephanie, I'm in Dr. Smith's class and I had a question that some of the girls in my class had not wanted to ask you. I was wondering… you talked about the double standard in SUAD, but why is it (in your opinion) necessary for women to be able to be as "sexually liberated" as men; why shouldn't the standard be for men to act more sexually appropriate? Also, why is it that you will refer to friends as sluts and let them call you that as well when you wouldn't want others to call you that?
I'd appreciate being able to hear you thoughts on this. Thanks!
~Christine~