You’ve just ordered us food and made me say, "Ali Babba" with a peculiar Indian accent, despite it being Turkish food.  You let me watch Uptown Girls, despite wanting to punt Dakota Fanning.  I love you, love us, love this–lamb in bed with yogurt sauce and champagne, watching Uptown Girls.  I love these moments.  Food.  Bed.  You.  Half-dressed.  Your shoulder.  Your smile.  Your bad joke.

Just when I want you to be serious, you choose to crack a stupid joke.  I roll my eyes, and you grab me by the waist, shaking me.  "Oh come on, now that was funny."  I don’t always want funny. I want us talk.  Because I’m an insecure little girl sometimes.  And I want to hear that everything will be okay. 

Many women feel close and happy in a relationship when we’re able to talk and share.  We like when he uses the future tense and speaks as if we’re a sure thing.  Whereas, most men see the success of their relationships not in the sharing and talks but in the fun.  In the activities.  In the laughter.  Fun doesn’t translate to "us talk" in any language; it usually means joking and sex, but not in that order. Banter.  Teasing.  Sometimes though, I begin to see the teasing as arguing, and then we’re an us that argues, which leads to an us talk, which makes me feel loved and happy again, ready to be teased.  And I suppose we love one another despite the crapass jokes and "God not now!" talks.  And I can love that.



  1. Lamb with yogurt. Reminds me of my ex-boyfriend back when I was 17 yrs old. He was mideastern. He always made that. Miss that actually.

    Now that my girlfriend is Puerto Rican, it's more like pasteles/arroz con gandules and/or pernil, however, never in bed. Huge rule of mine. ;)

    My mother always said that if you can laugh with your partner/lover, then you have it all. I personally feel if you can talk to your partner as if you were two best friend AND laugh—-and banter, tease and on top of that sex——you definitely have it all.

    You're very lucky.

    I loved this post! Happy Thanksgiving if I don't log on in a few days Steph! You're an incredible writer.

  2. I love how food plays an important part in a lot of these stories..I'm the same way myself.

    When recounting a date, the most important part of the story is always "Well, what did you eat?"

    I think it sounds like you really do have the balance there, you just need some reassurance at times, as we all do.


  3. I'm experiencinng the opposite in my relationship. Lots and lots of talking and sharing. Lots of affection and reassurances. But there's no banter, no teasing, no silliness. No….sparkle? But there's love. If only love were enough.

  4. arrrrghhhh!! this makes me want to scream!! stop acting like a little kid. stop acknowledging that you are acting like a "little girl" and then reveling in it. stop sabotaging this relationship–it's a burden no man can (or should have to) shoulder. Get to therapy. Choose to be an adult and watch your life go how you want it to.

  5. I think my relationship is most strong when we can crack silly jokes in bed and both laugh about them. When we don't *have* to have the serious "us talks." When we can just live in the moment and *know* that the future is ours, together.

    Great post.

  6. Sometimes I think men's urge to play and joke around offsets women's urge to have serious conversations about our innermost feelings. Can you imagine if the man in your life was an insecure little boy needing a serious talk as often as you do? Be glad that isn't the case and have fun with it while you have it.

    This post makes me have a "warm fuzzy feeling" and makes me wish that everyone finds a caring counterpart.

  7. divinecalm,
    come on! so what's wrong w/ acting like a little girl.. everyone, men and women need reasurence. It is better to be yourself, even if it involves acting like a "little girl," than being tense all the time b/c you don't want to make a mistake. There is someone for all of us!
    Steph.. whre is this guy from?

  8. V. sweet post.

    Some men (mine is included in this group) just don't have much to say. T's has actually said to me, "if I'm not talking to you, nothing's wrong." I'm not saying that a complete breakdown in communication skills is a good thing, but sometimes, it's just better to live in the lovely moment than to over analyze. Now go enjoy!

  9. "Whereas, most men see the success of their relationships not in the sharing and talks but in the fun."

    WTF? Maybe most men that you date or have dated.

    Sigh. So many unresolved issues….

  10. I go through the same things a lot of times with my boyfriend, and I think it's just a matter of enjoying things as they are. It sounds like your relationship is great, so try to stop worrying!! I know, I know — easier said than done.:-)

    By the way, I love love LOVE your blog, Stephanie. Don't ever stop blogging.


  11. I just went through some turmoils about what I want in a relationship and what the guy wants, and what we both want, and what we're willing to give each other. I like how you put it, it sounds like a version of the familiar

  12. Mmmm, yum, shoulders! Forget the smile, I love SHOULDERS. Hey, we all have our quirks, or should I say fetish?

    "Food. Bed. You."
    To me, it sounds like everything is ok.

  13. Now, I wonder why free-sparring doesn't translate into "us talk"? My university professor seems to think it does for Mike and I.

  14. I love this blog and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability!

    For all the women out there that may read this, please help us help you. Here's how…

    Women spend a great deal of the their lives discussing relationships with other women. This is how women bond. Men rarely, if ever, discuss the intricacies of their relationships with male friends. In fact, it's taboo for married or committed men to discuss their sex life with other men. Women appear to be comfortable sharing this information. Additionally, women, some would say, are endowed with superior language skills. These differences give women a significant advantage when the time comes to discuss your relationship with your man. Men know this, and avoid this imbalance by shutting down or withdrawing. All is not hopeless however. With relationship talk, like real estate, it's all about location, location, location.

    Obviously avoid breaking into our favorite television show or any sporting event by saying…"we need to talk." Generally speaking, men run for the deepest recesses of our minds when we hear those words. Ask your boyfriend to take a walk with you down to the coffee shop or park. Men are more receptive to difficult and stressful conversations (e.g. relationship talk) when we're in motion. Maybe it's part of our primitive brain that's activated when moving, hunting or having sex.


  15. I agree with Missy. I don't think she's ugly. I think she's right. Why are you so needy? It has to be a TREMENDOUS strain on any man you date. And your friends must be saints to have to listen to you analyze all the time. You are extremely draining.

    I'm happy for you that you're in love, but you really make it much harder than it is and that makes me think it may be the reason none of your relationships ever last.

  16. Why don’t we let everyone have their own opinions.
    There is no point calling someone stupid just ‘coz their opinion doesn’t match yours

  17. I have never seen so much unwanted advice! In what part of her post does Steph give the vibe of being needy? I think there is nothing worst than being in a relationship folowing a set of guidelines.. don't do this .. don't do that.. you are being needy.. WHY??? are you people not human?? When you are starting a relationship you don't feel a little insecure?? That is what is so nice about starting something.. suspense!!

  18. …wow, I know exactly how you feel…only it was the movie Honey…and I'm the guy…except I like the future us talk…I guess I'm girly like that…

  19. This reminds me SO much of the dynamic with my last "boyfriend." This post is pitch perfect.

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