In ALL, RAISING HOPS INTO BEERS by Stephanie Klein43 Comments

    “Men with receding hairlines shave themselves bald just so women will rub their heads,” my ex-co-worker Phil said as he palmed his bald head.
    “Yeah, that’s the same reason women get pregnant, so someone will rub them again.”
    “That’s so true.  When my wife was pregnant, everyone touched her.  I didn’t mind when other women did it, but when men did it, I was like, ‘Hello!  That’s my wife!  You might as well cop a feel of the breast and finger her.”  Oh my God.  “Oh, don’t go feeling sorry for me just yet; my six year old daughter made a dookie in her hand yesterday.”  Yes, that’s the very same co-worker who chose the ‘rhea scene from Dumb and Dumber at the Interactive Inning.
    “Phil, I don’t feel sorry that she took a shit; I feel sorry that you now use the word dookie.”
    “There’s backstory, you know.”
    “Pun intended?”
    “A few weeks ago, she was playing at the neighbor’s house, and she held it in too long.  So she went to their bathroom, and, and she…”  A group of us were now leaning in.  “Well, she made in her underpants, scooped it out, and smeared it along the neighbor’s bathroom wall.  So we get a call later that night.  ‘There’s something you should know.’”
    "Wait, forget the call.  Why did she–"
    "I don’t know, she didn’t know where to put it."
    “The writing was on the wall.  Maybe she’ll be an artist.  You know, sublimation, Freud.” 
    “Yeah, okay, have some more crack, Stephanie.  As I was saying, the other day, she was playing with her friends, and I told her not to make a dookie in her underpants just because she’s having fun with her friends because if she holds it too long, then we’ll have to leave, and then she won’t have any more fun.  So instead, she followed the letter of my law and shoved her finger-painting hand down her pants to protect her underpants.  She was a human shield.  That’s right, my daughter shit her hand, and what’s worse—“
    “It gets worse?”
    “When she got to the bathroom, she wiped her hand–"
    "On the wall?"
    "No, she says, ‘Daddy, you should use the other bathroom.’  Why sweetie? ‘Because this one is messy now.’ So I go in there, shaking my head.  My daughter smeared her dookie along the entire roll of public bathroom paper.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough."  He swigged his beer and looked at us for a reaction, but before any of us could say anything he took the lead with, "What can I say, she is her father’s daughter, and in a perverse way, I am proud.”


  1. Ya know sometimes in the morning you just need a good laugh, well this was it!
    Thanks Stephanie!

  2. Stephanie, that was hillarious! I have 3 kids so I totally could get the visual too. Your blog is the best!

  3. I'm at loss for words…

    I use to think *I* was unmanagable as a child….After the shock goes away, I think I'll be laughing very hard.

  4. why would a person voluntarily tell their coworkers that? i'm new to my firm, but i still screen everything i say first. y'know, just in case.

  5. I have never heard the term dookie. Is this a New York City term?


    General Max

  6. There's something very wrong with this picture. Both the behavior of the child, and the reaction of the father. Or maybe the behavior of the father and the reaction of the child. EW! hope he/they get some help.

  7. An adorable charming tale showing us how nothing brings father and daughter together like smeared feces.

  8. Hey – children are God's way of reminding us that not only are we not perfect, we can be pretty darn funny in all the worst ways.

    Of course, this story won't get used at a 21st birthday party – I'm thinking more of a wedding rehearsal dinner. ;-)

  9. You are great, as I have said before……I am addicted. I dont know how I even came across you, but I make it a point to read you every day. When will the book be available? I will be happy to do all of your PR here in KY!

  10. "it's the everyday real stuff that makes the best stories, isn't it?"

    what? i'm trying to imagine this as an everyday or real event for my 6-year-old… i can't. thank.god.

    deeply disturbing and totally hilarious- this post was a good part of my day.

  11. that's absolutely hilarious! hey, she did what he told her to. I love how kids are so literal.

  12. To Stephanie, please pass this on to your friend Phil: your kid's situation makes me feel better about some of mine. that your daughter is currently obessesed with her p00p could be a passing fad, or could mean a trip to a therapist. good luck!

  13. We should all form a protest movement. It can be formidable because Stephanie has quite a following.

    The protest movement should be to say NO! to rubbing guy's bald heads.

  14. for whatever reason the comment above didn't print! what i wanted to say is that phil's situation with his daughter makes me feel better about some situations with my kids. this might be a passing fad or she might need a little therapy. whatever you do, Phil, make sure you are kind about the situation! don't shame her or punish her for it. good luck from one parent to another! (thank you, miss s. klein, for blogging it.)

  15. sickkkkk. PS if i were pregnant and a stranger took that as an invitation to touch my stomach, i would be very tempted to accidentally elbow them in the eye.

  16. Good Lord. That is NOT normal for a six-year-old. Christ, that's first grade! I'd be seeking psychological help for her or something – shit smearing is usually a cry for attention in kids – unless they have completely and utterly failed in potty training her. Good Lord.

  17. Totally unrelated to your post. I've observed something, I think, for the first time. You started it last post, but you were inconsistent. This post you were consistent. It caught my eye. So tell me, why all of a sudden are you indenting paragraphs?

  18. child are amazing.
    even if we r talking dookie.
    i want a dookie one myself soon.

  19. Steph! this post falls under the "too much information" category..don't you think? you can, and you do sooo much better on a regular basis. This one sure stinks (no pun intended). Most days, I love your work. Sorry to be so uncool.

  20. Holy cow… how on earth can a 6-year-old not know how to use the loo!!!??? Seriously… if she'd been 3, it would have been hilarious. But SIX??

    Anyway – your blog is great!

  21. I once worked for a Pediatrician and heard stories very similar to this one. Unlike here, it was not a laughing matter. The doctor and nurses took bowel movement obsession (which was abbreviated to BMO) very seriously.
    But yet I would always crack up when I heard these kinda stories, just like I did now.

  22. that is a scream for help. poop smearing is normally a sign of sexual abuse, and frankly I am shocked so many of you don't know it. that child needs to be RUSHED to a doctor. not funny at all.

  23. there is something wrong with this six year-old. If she were three it would be understandable. Not at this age. I didn't enjoy this post at all, on any level. Just because you can say anything doesn't mean you always should.

  24. I'm sure it had happened to some of us when we were wee lil' kids.

    When I was a first grader playing a friendly game of kickball at a school recess, I was so engrossed into the game that I ignored the "call". So I went – in my pants. I simply shook my left leg and out it came. Yep, it came all the way down the leg of my trouser.

  25. I agree with the others. Someone ought to tell Phil that there could be an issue here. My kids were trained when they were about 3. We had parties for them when they were growing up and I do not recall any of their friends having potty issues. Every other issue imaginable, of course. But if a child is not potty-trained by 6, then it is time to call in the pros.

    Phil also said that he couldn't get out of there fast enough. Firstly, I presume he meant he cleaned up first. Secondly, that attitude infers that he was embarrassed. You cannot be embarrassed by your child's potty habits, even at the age of 6. It is simply another growing up issue that needs to be dealt with, and conveying embarrassment will not help the child.

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