“Men with receding hairlines shave themselves bald just so women will rub their heads,” my ex-co-worker Phil said as he palmed his bald head.
    “Yeah, that’s the same reason women get pregnant, so someone will rub them again.”
    “That’s so true.  When my wife was pregnant, everyone touched her.  I didn’t mind when other women did it, but when men did it, I was like, ‘Hello!  That’s my wife!  You might as well cop a feel of the breast and finger her.”  Oh my God.  “Oh, don’t go feeling sorry for me just yet; my six year old daughter made a dookie in her hand yesterday.”  Yes, that’s the very same co-worker who chose the ‘rhea scene from Dumb and Dumber at the Interactive Inning.
    “Phil, I don’t feel sorry that she took a shit; I feel sorry that you now use the word dookie.”
    “There’s backstory, you know.”
    “Pun intended?”
    “A few weeks ago, she was playing at the neighbor’s house, and she held it in too long.  So she went to their bathroom, and, and she…”  A group of us were now leaning in.  “Well, she made in her underpants, scooped it out, and smeared it along the neighbor’s bathroom wall.  So we get a call later that night.  ‘There’s something you should know.’”
    "Wait, forget the call.  Why did she–"
    "I don’t know, she didn’t know where to put it."
    “The writing was on the wall.  Maybe she’ll be an artist.  You know, sublimation, Freud.” 
    “Yeah, okay, have some more crack, Stephanie.  As I was saying, the other day, she was playing with her friends, and I told her not to make a dookie in her underpants just because she’s having fun with her friends because if she holds it too long, then we’ll have to leave, and then she won’t have any more fun.  So instead, she followed the letter of my law and shoved her finger-painting hand down her pants to protect her underpants.  She was a human shield.  That’s right, my daughter shit her hand, and what’s worse—“
    “It gets worse?”
    “When she got to the bathroom, she wiped her hand–"
    "On the wall?"
    "No, she says, ‘Daddy, you should use the other bathroom.’  Why sweetie? ‘Because this one is messy now.’ So I go in there, shaking my head.  My daughter smeared her dookie along the entire roll of public bathroom paper.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough."  He swigged his beer and looked at us for a reaction, but before any of us could say anything he took the lead with, "What can I say, she is her father’s daughter, and in a perverse way, I am proud.”