I’m Miss Piggy. I realized it yesterday when I was in bed with Linus watching those Muppets take over this city. Part of me believes that Candice Bushnell created some of her Sex & The City characters based off some of those Muppets. Is it me or does Standford not look just like Scooter? And piggy is a cross between Samantha and Charlotte. A femme fatale who’s not afraid to cry. The pig wears her hair both curly and straight, and always opts for fashion over comfort. She’s aggressive, and can go from polite and dainty, “ahem, excuse moi–ha, ha, ha” to just plain demanding “move it you big jerk” in only a sentence. She’s really the original Adam Sandler. She’s got that uncanny ability to go from 1 to 10 in intensity; the woman has some serious RPM. She’s no stranger to hard work: first starting out, she struggled as an actress, even taking a role as a model for an advertisement for pork, the other white meat. To this day, she still prefers not to discuss beyond, “Moi was upset, but moi got over it.” With that positive attitude, she landed herself a frog. Miss Piggy is my dramatic romantic counterpart. “Tell Kermie I love him” she’ll whisper with the toss of her hair and an outstretched arm.

Beyond the beauty-obsessed, possessive, and self-assured cochon from the Muppets, I also adore that Pepe. The name alone is enough to love him; never mind that he’s a hot and spicy king prawn. He’s conniving and savvy; he simply won’t stand for any shrimp talk. He’s a prawn on the town, looking for a little some some to butterfly his pink tail.

Still, Miss Piggy went with a safe bet, falling for her rainbow connection man for his green pad and keyhole eyes. She was wise to lunge for the good guy. That wild pig needed someone safe; she’s reckless with everything else, from her Karate moves to her motorcycle tricks… that woman needed a sweet man to ground her and let her glisten.

I’m not dating anyone right now. Not even a frog here or there. “Moi was upset, but moi got over it.” He’ll come along; they always do. And when he does, I’m going to give him an earful, “What took you so long you big jerk? A ha ha ha…” as I bat my eyes and call him Kermie.