No, not the Pierce Brosnan & Julianne Moore movie. You’ve heard it before in period pieces, “Around the mysteries of the female psyche lies a veil which is best left undisturbed.” Man, have I seen Little Women one time too many. Well lean in, I’m going to let you in on a secret, way better than even Victoria’s. I’m whispering so pay attention as the veil lifts.

Pheromones are bullshite. Upon learning about them, I was first in line at the cosmetic counter. You can buy perfume laced with pheromones; natural chemical scents the body produces to attract the opposite seex. I was ready and eager to attract a man, panting like Linus when he sees his leash. Thanks to Linus, really, the marketing spin on pheromones has been exposed to me.

See, Linus is a disaster bean of a dog. I love him to death, but he’s quite, ahem, boisterous. So, upon a landlord threat of vacating my “too loud” dog and me out of our upper west side apartment, I did what any mother would do. I ran to the pet store and pleaded with the saleswoman, “Please, give me anything to calm him down and make him stop barking.” Drugs, shocks, sprays… just don’t make me give up my apartment (for which I’ve spent too long picking out the perfect shades of paint). She handed me a box mid-sentence. In it contained a plug-in air freshener.

“No, see, you’ve got it quite wrong. He doesn’t smell. He’s too LOUD.” I say raising my voice. I need to calm down now too. She shakes her head, and points to the words on the box “Calming Pheromones.”

I assume you know by now; the plug-in was superfluous. What a hoax. It didn’t calm him down, not even for a second. But it did get me to thinking, is there anything at all to this pheromone business? I mean, dogs smell one another’s asses, get right up in there and inhale a mass of pheromones. There’s a lesson in there for attracting a mate… it’s too gross to not have a lesson it.

Sure, the padded bra, garters, and drum-tight pants help. But you might as well go for it. Dab some vagina behind your ears. Spread it around on any of your pressure points. Forget the vanilla and pumpkin pie scent. Who wants to smell of licorice? You want seex, smell like it. Just don’t do it around your dog.