weekend smells– January 20, 2004

Yesterday morning I made the god-awful mistake of being bored miserable.  It was a mistake I suppose because I ought to have forced myself out, even if it was whippingly cold out, the kind of cold where it stings to breathe and you’re thankful for the warm snot that is dripping into your mouth.  Okay, so you’re not exactly thankful.  I made the mistake of thrusting myself out in it, to bury the boredom, took a wog (walk/jog) to Gracious Home.  I finally bought a can of chalkboard spray paint.  Now, I have a headache.  I slept in fumes.  The chalkboard was sprayed onto one of my kitchen walls, the one above the flip out table, the one above where the Linus wee-wee-pad-chucks reside.  I used a level.  I used a wooden school ruler.  Straight lines, blue paint tape.  The thing is, that tape isn’t all that sticky, so the black paint dripped beneath the areas I was trying to mask.  The measuring was for nothing.  Uneven mess.  Headache bonus.  Now I’ll have to dig up some white paint to even it out.  Chalk and felt eraser are now on my to-do list. dove.bmpIt doesn’t stop there, you see, because I had to go to Duane Reade for a refill on the pill.  Who knows why I even bother with it.  It’s sad, really, every time I take a pill, I’m reminded that there is no reason to be on it.  Sex.  None.  My skin is fine, so I can’t even say, oh it makes my skin clear, or oh, it keeps my periods light.  It’s a sham.  So, there I am at the DR, loading up on TP and cotton balls, then, it strikes me that I’m running low on anti- perspirant.  Dove.  The thing is, they didn’t have my powder scent.  FRESH SCENT was all that was left.  You can’t just switch to a new brand, or it takes days to kick in, then you walk around sticky moist, flinching from the smell on your hands as you sniff to see if it’s working.  Is that me?  So, I buy the damn FRESH SCENT, and it doesn’t smell fresh.  It smells like artificial beach.  Headache. Finally, this weekend, I went perfume shopping.  No man, no dating.  Newfound Stephanie… who paints with chalkboard spray in the winter, who writes three pages of longhand each morning, who takes herself out on "Artist Dates" once a week, who now makes an effort to take walks just because.  The Stephanie who keeps two therapists incase she doesn’t agree with one, she can bring it up with the other.  Consensus. And with this newfound self, I figured, what the hell… newfound scent.  Bulgarian Roses from Creed.  Plus two samples which came wrapped in shiney paper, packaged like a roll of Smarties.  Not smart.  Too many samples, not enough coffee beans.  Headache.  Still, the Roses scent is lovely on my skin, my sweaters will be lovely too… folded neatly in my armoire after being worn, then picked up again in a week, smelling of love and sophistication.  Of course, not this sweater.  This sweater will smell like artificial beach.  Ho hum.



  1. Just wanted to see where you started your journey as a public figure. This is my husband's birthday and I remember that bitter cold day, and I too was having a rough day in Philly. No deoderant drama, but drama nonetheless with getting reservations, cake in fridge, etc etc. I also blog, although about my travels across the world and the challenges that brings. Good for you for being honest. It's harder than it looks…

  2. I recently started reading your blog, within the past two or three months. Since you have your hands full with the twins, I thought I would go backwards, and start at the beginning. Two hours later, I have skimmed through your blog, and admire you so much. You are able to put into words, what I hide from. After three miscarriages, and currently waiting for my cycle of Clomid/IUI… I wish I could tell the truth. I wish I was able to open up to family and friends, and say what I am feeling, what my fears are, what I am going through. I wear my infertility like a cloak of shame. Instead, when asked when I am going to have a baby with my dearly beloved, I just smile, and say "who knows". Who knows. Who knows what the future has in store for me. I do know, that I wish I had your strength. Your strength, to be able to say, who cares what they think… I am what I am.

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